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I’m still single and dream about marrying someday. But I also try to look at the positive side. I think about the things I’ve done and how I’ve grown. I think it’s very important we singles use this oppertunity to learn and grow, so when we are married, we can be an excellent wife/husband
I’ve heard and read so much good advice from people and articles. For example, someone said, both the husband and wife should each concentrate on his/her own obligation (whatever it is) and both give their all.
And in regards to communication, we should tell each other what we want or need so the other knows.
And both spouses should show appreciation to each other
It seems so simple, but sometimes we forget the simplest things, and so it’s a good reminder
SM, I’m glad you caught on. At the end of the day G-d runs the world and believe it or not – the world of shidduchim too. If He decided to keep people single for an amount of time there is quite obviously a reason for it.
Anyway, why are people so obsessed with procuring logical reaons for this “crisis”? Not everyone that is single is a self-sabotager… maybe maybe its just part of Hashem’s plan for them to wait a little longer.
Is it part of H-sh-ms plan that some have to wait forever or at least, so long that they will be too old to ever have children?
hereorhtere/ itiswhatitis:
It is NOT part of HIS plan. But HE allows us to mess up (free choice). See other threads how the community has unwittingly condemned 10% of girls to being Agunos.
AGE GAP
Thanks to RYML I’m able to GROW and still be single with a SMILE ON MY FACE!!!!
allaboutme (and OP): BINGO!
Hashem put us in this world to grow, and give. Marriage is the shortcut to develop ourselves in this way, but until (and after) we get there, we have to joyously embrace the wonderful opportunities life presents us with.
tzippi: as long as we do it joyously, but what happens if we don’t do it joyously?
itiswhatitis how did I ‘mess up’ when I have bee suffering since age 6 (perhaps earlier but I can remember suffering at least from 6)?
And since you mention agunos are you saying they too, messed up?
allaboutme: we happy long marrieds aren’t spending every second of our lives on cloud nine. I just meant that we can all, no matter where we are, try to find some joie de vivre. Think of Rabbi Miller and the story of the full sink as a starting point. I just don’t like the hysteria being promoted. I don’t believe that every older single is crying so hard – every night, not occasionally – that the downstairs neighbors are being flooded, nor that they should be; as an older single male I wouldn’t find that exactly appealing.
hereorthere: my statements were about older singles nor did I mention once about agunos.
tzippi: You really are convinced that they don’t cry every night and I’m promoting hysteria?? I think you are completely wrong – time to open your eye a little! Try mingling with the single just a little more – they might spill some beans you would have never imagined!
itiswhatitis I ‘am’ an older single.
And I am sorry for misreading your post it was AZ mentioned agunos but my question still stands, do you think agunos “messed themselves up”?
hereorthere: itiswhatitis I ‘am’ an older single.
Is this a question or a statement?
As for your question: I never said anyone messed themselves up nor did I say that it’s our fault. Being in the situation that we all are in, the question still remains how will a person grow – will it be for the good or take the turn and use his powers for the bad?
– as an older single, i don’t live my life to get married. i work, i went to school, i live where it makes sense for me to live, and if things come up then i work it out then. so many ppl seem to think that all older singles should live in ny/nj and be teachers or secretaries for shidduchim.
– that doesn’t mean that i dont’ want to get married. but i know so many people my age who are literally stitting around and waiting. they didn’t go to college because what if they get married in the middle and don’t finish. they don’t try for ajob which would be hard to do when married with kids because what if they get married in the middle. that type of attitude i do not agree with.
– no one is expected to live miserably until they find hte right one. finding the right one is not a 24/7 job. but that doesn’t mean that we don’t have times that are hard for us or lonely like shabbas,, yomim tovim, etc. if we live a normal life, it does not mean that it is less important for us to get married.
itiswhatitis it’s a statement.
You said you were talking about older singles, so I said that is what I am.
allaboutme, I didn’t mean to belittle your pain or anyone else’s. (Though you did say you manage to have a smile on your face. Good for you, and I hope it impacts your inner life too.) Nor did I say that you are fomenting hysteria.
hereorthere: clarified!
allaboutme: what is RYML?
Please reread what I wrote says Thanks to RYML!
Tzippi, while I commend you for your ability to think the way you do about being an older single, I guarantee you that if the singles are not crying (and I don’t happen to agree with you), their PARENTS surely are.
allboutme: Please reread what I wrote says Thanks to RYML!
Is that some sort of singles program?
Back to our regularly scheduled program, before this locks or disappears, thanks sm29. I think people know where I’m coming from but it is close to Yom Kipur(im) so if there’s anyone I upset, please be mochel me, and may Hashem be memalei kol mishalos libchem l’tova (and halevai is should be obviously so).
Mods, that took you VERY long to realize….I’m really disappointed. At least an apology…
I guarantee you that if the singles are not crying (and I don’t happen to agree with you), their PARENTS surely are.
Hello everyone. I’m an older single. How old? Let’s just say my friends who are my age are grandparents. Do I cry? Sure I do. But it’s usually about something other than being single. I cry when I read about someone who R’L lost a child. I cry when I read about soldier being killed defending my country and my people. I cry when I read about people who are being persecuted simply for being Jewish.
Do my parents cry? I don’t know. Do people in the next world cry? I have a feeling they see things a lot more clearly than I do. They probably know why Hashem has presented me with this challenge. I’m sure if they could intervene, they would.
So here’s what I do about it: I daven. I tell people I’m looking for a shidduch. I go to work. I go to shiurim. I go grocery shopping. In general, I live my life.
Bottom line: Don’t tell me what I’m feeling. Don’t tell me I’m crying over my “plight.” Don’t tell me I’m sitting around with my life on hold while waiting for my bashert. I resent that. If you aren’t single, then you really don’t know, do you?
haifagirl – Wow. You sound like such a special person. Reading your post honestly inspired me. It’s amazing the way you are able to maintain such a clear and focused yet hopeful perspective. Keep up your coolness!
AZ: “It is NOT part of HIS plan.”
That comment is borderline apikursis. Everything in the world is under hashgacha pratis and is part of His plan.
HAifagirl, I finally realize what you responded to that you quoted from me – – you in no way offended me qith your answer. I commend you for your approach, and you are correct that when we cry it should be for the tzaar that other people experience (AS WELL AS OUR OWN). Maybe when HAshem sees us crying for someone else, HE cheshbon’s our own sorrows with even more rachmanus for us. But I can only tell you from my own experience and that of my friends whose children are not yet married, believe me we are crying, crying for the sorrow our children undergo when all their friends (for whom they are genuinely happy) are getting married around them, for the countless thoughtless and stupid remarks people make to unmarried slightly older girls at simchas, and for the arms that are aching to bentsch licht at their own Shabbos table seated with their husbands, as well as hold children. And let us not forget those not-yet grandparents-waiting-to-be who hurt for the grandchildren they are not yet zoche to see. Don’t think for one second they are not crying also.
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