February 24, 2010 4:33 am at 4:33 am #591276
I’m still single and dream about marrying someday. But I also try to look at the positive side. I think about the things I’ve done and how I’ve grown. I think it’s very important we singles use this oppertunity to learn and grow, so when we are married, we can be an excellent wife/husband
I’ve heard and read so much good advice from people and articles. For example, someone said, both the husband and wife should each concentrate on his/her own obligation (whatever it is) and both give their all.
And in regards to communication, we should tell each other what we want or need so the other knows.
And both spouses should show appreciation to each other
It seems so simple, but sometimes we forget the simplest things, and so it’s a good reminderFebruary 24, 2010 5:20 am at 5:20 am #675600Brucklyn JewessParticipant
SM, I’m glad you caught on. At the end of the day G-d runs the world and believe it or not – the world of shidduchim too. If He decided to keep people single for an amount of time there is quite obviously a reason for it.
Anyway, why are people so obsessed with procuring logical reaons for this “crisis”? Not everyone that is single is a self-sabotager… maybe maybe its just part of Hashem’s plan for them to wait a little longer.February 24, 2010 2:41 pm at 2:41 pm #675601
Is it part of H-sh-ms plan that some have to wait forever or at least, so long that they will be too old to ever have children?February 24, 2010 3:07 pm at 3:07 pm #675602February 24, 2010 3:19 pm at 3:19 pm #675604AZParticipant
It is NOT part of HIS plan. But HE allows us to mess up (free choice). See other threads how the community has unwittingly condemned 10% of girls to being Agunos.
AGE GAPFebruary 24, 2010 3:29 pm at 3:29 pm #675605
Thanks to RYML I’m able to GROW and still be single with a SMILE ON MY FACE!!!!February 24, 2010 4:58 pm at 4:58 pm #675606
allaboutme (and OP): BINGO!
Hashem put us in this world to grow, and give. Marriage is the shortcut to develop ourselves in this way, but until (and after) we get there, we have to joyously embrace the wonderful opportunities life presents us with.February 24, 2010 6:00 pm at 6:00 pm #675607
tzippi: as long as we do it joyously, but what happens if we don’t do it joyously?February 25, 2010 2:00 am at 2:00 am #675608
Then we miss out on the oppertunity to enjoy this time before it changes. It’s a good idea in general to appreciate things and look on the bright side. And may Hashem give us pleasent things to really say Baruch Hashem aboutFebruary 25, 2010 2:09 am at 2:09 am #675609
itiswhatitis how did I ‘mess up’ when I have bee suffering since age 6 (perhaps earlier but I can remember suffering at least from 6)?
And since you mention agunos are you saying they too, messed up?February 25, 2010 3:16 am at 3:16 am #675610
allaboutme: we happy long marrieds aren’t spending every second of our lives on cloud nine. I just meant that we can all, no matter where we are, try to find some joie de vivre. Think of Rabbi Miller and the story of the full sink as a starting point. I just don’t like the hysteria being promoted. I don’t believe that every older single is crying so hard – every night, not occasionally – that the downstairs neighbors are being flooded, nor that they should be; as an older single male I wouldn’t find that exactly appealing.February 25, 2010 3:47 am at 3:47 am #675611
hereorthere: my statements were about older singles nor did I mention once about agunos.February 25, 2010 3:49 am at 3:49 am #675612
I think that was someone elseFebruary 25, 2010 3:53 am at 3:53 am #675613
tzippi: You really are convinced that they don’t cry every night and I’m promoting hysteria?? I think you are completely wrong – time to open your eye a little! Try mingling with the single just a little more – they might spill some beans you would have never imagined!February 25, 2010 4:28 am at 4:28 am #675614
Sorry to but in, just want to say, some cry every night and feel very sad. And some don’t. It depends. It’s understandable because we feel like, when are they going to come to us? That’s why, living in the mean time is importantFebruary 25, 2010 5:03 am at 5:03 am #675615
itiswhatitis I ‘am’ an older single.
And I am sorry for misreading your post it was AZ mentioned agunos but my question still stands, do you think agunos “messed themselves up”?February 25, 2010 6:09 am at 6:09 am #675616
hereorthere: itiswhatitis I ‘am’ an older single.
Is this a question or a statement?
As for your question: I never said anyone messed themselves up nor did I say that it’s our fault. Being in the situation that we all are in, the question still remains how will a person grow – will it be for the good or take the turn and use his powers for the bad?February 25, 2010 7:30 am at 7:30 am #675617speaktruthMember
– as an older single, i don’t live my life to get married. i work, i went to school, i live where it makes sense for me to live, and if things come up then i work it out then. so many ppl seem to think that all older singles should live in ny/nj and be teachers or secretaries for shidduchim.
– that doesn’t mean that i dont’ want to get married. but i know so many people my age who are literally stitting around and waiting. they didn’t go to college because what if they get married in the middle and don’t finish. they don’t try for ajob which would be hard to do when married with kids because what if they get married in the middle. that type of attitude i do not agree with.
– no one is expected to live miserably until they find hte right one. finding the right one is not a 24/7 job. but that doesn’t mean that we don’t have times that are hard for us or lonely like shabbas,, yomim tovim, etc. if we live a normal life, it does not mean that it is less important for us to get married.February 25, 2010 10:02 am at 10:02 am #675618
itiswhatitis it’s a statement.
You said you were talking about older singles, so I said that is what I am.February 25, 2010 2:27 pm at 2:27 pm #675619
allaboutme, I didn’t mean to belittle your pain or anyone else’s. (Though you did say you manage to have a smile on your face. Good for you, and I hope it impacts your inner life too.) Nor did I say that you are fomenting hysteria.February 25, 2010 4:19 pm at 4:19 pm #675620
hereorthere: clarified!February 25, 2010 7:43 pm at 7:43 pm #675621
community hysteria in general, was what she meant —
I think the best idea, in general, is to give both things. Give empathy while also helping each other to be positive.February 25, 2010 7:55 pm at 7:55 pm #675622FreeBirdMember
allaboutme: what is RYML?February 25, 2010 8:40 pm at 8:40 pm #675623
Please reread what I wrote says Thanks to RYML!February 25, 2010 9:36 pm at 9:36 pm #675624oomisParticipant
Tzippi, while I commend you for your ability to think the way you do about being an older single, I guarantee you that if the singles are not crying (and I don’t happen to agree with you), their PARENTS surely are.February 25, 2010 9:53 pm at 9:53 pm #675625FreeBirdMember
allboutme: Please reread what I wrote says Thanks to RYML!
Is that some sort of singles program?February 25, 2010 10:20 pm at 10:20 pm #675626
All, she’s not saying that none of them cry, she’s just saying that not All of them cry just Some of them, while others don’tFebruary 26, 2010 1:52 am at 1:52 am #675647
Back to our regularly scheduled program, before this locks or disappears, thanks sm29. I think people know where I’m coming from but it is close to Yom Kipur(im) so if there’s anyone I upset, please be mochel me, and may Hashem be memalei kol mishalos libchem l’tova (and halevai is should be obviously so).February 26, 2010 3:58 am at 3:58 am #675648smartcookieMember
Mods, that took you VERY long to realize….I’m really disappointed. At least an apology…March 1, 2010 9:21 am at 9:21 am #675650haifagirlParticipant
I guarantee you that if the singles are not crying (and I don’t happen to agree with you), their PARENTS surely are.
Hello everyone. I’m an older single. How old? Let’s just say my friends who are my age are grandparents. Do I cry? Sure I do. But it’s usually about something other than being single. I cry when I read about someone who R’L lost a child. I cry when I read about soldier being killed defending my country and my people. I cry when I read about people who are being persecuted simply for being Jewish.
Do my parents cry? I don’t know. Do people in the next world cry? I have a feeling they see things a lot more clearly than I do. They probably know why Hashem has presented me with this challenge. I’m sure if they could intervene, they would.
So here’s what I do about it: I daven. I tell people I’m looking for a shidduch. I go to work. I go to shiurim. I go grocery shopping. In general, I live my life.
Bottom line: Don’t tell me what I’m feeling. Don’t tell me I’m crying over my “plight.” Don’t tell me I’m sitting around with my life on hold while waiting for my bashert. I resent that. If you aren’t single, then you really don’t know, do you?March 1, 2010 10:05 am at 10:05 am #675651
I think that we all prefer different things. Some people want their pain to be acknowledged, and some want people to know that they are doing fine and making the most of things.March 1, 2010 1:31 pm at 1:31 pm #675652strivingMember
haifagirl – Wow. You sound like such a special person. Reading your post honestly inspired me. It’s amazing the way you are able to maintain such a clear and focused yet hopeful perspective. Keep up your coolness!March 2, 2010 12:22 am at 12:22 am #675653hello99Participant
AZ: “It is NOT part of HIS plan.”
That comment is borderline apikursis. Everything in the world is under hashgacha pratis and is part of His plan.March 2, 2010 12:41 am at 12:41 am #675654oomisParticipant
HAifagirl, I finally realize what you responded to that you quoted from me – – you in no way offended me qith your answer. I commend you for your approach, and you are correct that when we cry it should be for the tzaar that other people experience (AS WELL AS OUR OWN). Maybe when HAshem sees us crying for someone else, HE cheshbon’s our own sorrows with even more rachmanus for us. But I can only tell you from my own experience and that of my friends whose children are not yet married, believe me we are crying, crying for the sorrow our children undergo when all their friends (for whom they are genuinely happy) are getting married around them, for the countless thoughtless and stupid remarks people make to unmarried slightly older girls at simchas, and for the arms that are aching to bentsch licht at their own Shabbos table seated with their husbands, as well as hold children. And let us not forget those not-yet grandparents-waiting-to-be who hurt for the grandchildren they are not yet zoche to see. Don’t think for one second they are not crying also.
- You must be logged in to reply to this topic.