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  • #597727

    TheGoq
    Participant

    Hi fellow singles I’m creating this thread so that we can support and encourage one another , had a bad day or a bad date share it here, tired of being judged lets talk about it, are you sick of being accused of being picky and unreasonable share your feelings with the only people who will understand.

    Feel free to tell jokes, share stories lets be there for each other.We singles have so much to offer lets not let others define us by our marital status we are so much more than singles, lets be proud of who we are and what we have to contribute.

    #791646

    adorable
    Participant

    so start….. thank you for this thread.

    #791647

    MiddlePath
    Participant

    I’m going to let other people contribute to this thread first and see where it goes. I’m not ready just yet to discuss my own issues.

    #791648

    yentingyenta
    Participant

    i’ll be the “first” one.

    when i say i’m looking for a working boy, i feel like ppl are looking down at me for that. i went to a frum BY, a good sem (cleveland, both of which tried to convince me you HAVE to have a learning boy and now i’m in nursing school. so i dont want a kollel boy. why do ppl think that a working boy is “worse” than a learning boy?

    and the ones who dont look down wish me luck in finding a “normal” working boy!!!! will the single guys PLEASE tell me why it is so hard to find a working boy with a degree who knows the derech he wants to go in life?

    #791649

    HAPPY2BALIVE
    Member

    My experience I would like to share.

    And loneliness makes no fail.

    Or a shadchans phone call, may go a mile.

    And a mazel tov to get with a little watery kiss.

    waiting for the moment to break that glass

    So I can start building my nest. With dreams and hopes so high.

    My heart, overwhelemed, water in my eye.

    Emotional, not beleiveing the big day finally did come!

    And on my finger will lay the most precious diamond ring!!!

    #791650

    MiddlePath
    Participant

    yy, No one should look down on anyone for any reason. If you feel uncomfortable or looked down on by your current crowd, you are obviously not in the right crowd. Find people with similar goals and ideals to discuss things with. Perhaps you are finding it hard to find the type of boy you want because you are being tied down to a specific group that doesn’t agree with your ideals.

    Good luck on finding your partner.

    Happy, that is a beautiful poem. Good luck to you as well.

    #791651

    adorable
    Participant

    happy- thank you for your poem. dont wanna share anything yet but your poem is exactly what i would write if i would want to.

    #791652

    TheGoq
    Participant

    great poem happy

    #791653

    HAPPY2BALIVE
    Member

    Thanks! I wrote it from my heart!

    #791654

    onlytruth
    Member

    This thread is great! Keep it going!!

    #791655

    MiddlePath
    Participant

    I am not so great at writing poems, especially not at Happy’s level…but, I play the guitar and keyboard, and I have composed a few original compositions (with no lyrics) that convey my feelings and emotions. Too bad I can’t give that over on a web forum. I would love to, somehow.

    #791656

    s2021
    Member

    Everyone: Go bikeriding. U can never be as carefree and relaxed as u r when ur single. Enjoy what u have even though its hard to see the gifts of singledom.

    #791657

    L613
    Member

    Just out of curiosity – has anyone been close to getting engaged and then the relationship crashed and burned? What was the longest you’ve ever been out with someone?

    #791658

    yossi z.
    Member

    Yentingyenta: it works both ways too. I am a working boy (still trying to work out how I am gonna get my degree, I want to go for business management) and people tell me well if you are not in yeshivah you will have ahard time with shidduchim. Why? What is wrong with a bochur working? Something is wrong if he isn’t in yeshivah past say first year beis medrash?

    As of right now there is what is brewing baruch Hashem. Let us hope that maybe this one WILL go through

    😀 Zuberman! 😀

    #791659

    RABBAIM
    Participant

    It may be worthwhile to form an ongoing shiur to give chiuzuk in Emunah and Bitachon so that we all have the strentgh, the avoda dand the koach to face the nisayon wiht simcha. The shechina will reside with simcha, not wiht bitterness, sadness, complaints or negative attitude. Emunah bItachon are the “aleph bais” of Yiddishkeit and each person, especially at time of nisayon, needs to frotify oneself..Support for each othere can be shared at a shiur as well, but it will be in context of “aleph bais”!!

    #791660

    walton157
    Member

    When people ask me why I’m single, if they are married I ask them why are they married. Turn the tables, boys and girls. It will shock those yentas who just want to know your business but don’t know anyone with whom to set you up.

    #791661

    popa_bar_abba
    Participant

    Isn’t it enough to be single in real life, why do you need to be single on YW also? (Think about that; I’m making a good point.)

    #791662

    individual
    Member

    How do you deal with burn out? It’s so hard to be optimistic.

    #791663

    May we all find our zivug quickly at the right time!

    BTW why is there so much stigma to being in therapy, but not to having a support group?

    #791664

    individual – give yourself space between dating people. Also, it’s better to let a person grow on you, then to go into every date expecting to meet “the one”.

    #791665

    TheGoq
    Participant

    pascha may you find your zivug soon too but also we should learn to appreciate life as it is today

    #791666

    yentingyenta
    Participant

    yossi: wow. i didnt know that working boys also had it hard.

    (you dont by any chance have some friends looking for a working girl? LOL)

    MP: my crowd of friends aren’t the ones who i feel is looking down. they support me even though they are looking for learning boys. its the ppl (ie family friends) who ask “sooooooo what type of boy are you looking for?” and when i say i’m looking for working, they say OH. B”H my parents support me that i want a working boy. its just really hard to find one thats also a mensch (responsible, reliable, has good middos and shomer torah u’mitzvos)

    Happy: beautiful poem. thank you.

    #791667

    yossi z.
    Member

    Yes we have it hard too. There are times where I wonder whether I made the right choice. There are times where I honestly want to cry because of all the difficulty I have with well I guess the best word to use would be consequences. But thankfully there are people in this world who accept me for who I am not for what I do. There are times where it seriously bothers me what people think about the working world. I mean come on someone has got to work where else is the money gonna come from?

    Sorry I can’t write further as I tried three times and all that was coming out was bad feelings and I don’t want to badmouth or anything like that. Yes there is a lot of bitterness at what the world has come to.

    You know I just might 🙂 (back atcha)

    Happy: sorry for not mentioning this earlier but that is a beutiful poem and I got chizuk (and still am taking chizuk) from it. Thank you

    #791668

    cherrybim
    Participant

    Popa_bar_abba: “Isn’t it enough to be single in real life, why do you need to be single on YW also?”

    Popa, I couldn’t agree with you more.

    In general, there’s a single’s mentality that become established and makes it all the more comfortable for singles to remain single.

    There is a reason why the Ashkenazi custom is that a never married male does not merit wearing a talis, nor can he be a shaliach tzibor on the yomim norayim, and other instances where only married men are permitted to be included in Jewish rites. The point is that a male who has not married is not a completed person; not in learning, not in his avodah and not in his sensitivity to the suffering of others. And there is a selfishness and a “me” orientation with single males.

    So no one is doing singles a favor by providing them additional comfort zones, such as: their own minyanim in shuls, special discounts in shul dues, their own thread in the CR, etc. They need to feel that their behavior is not ok and they will only find acceptance when they marry and become mainstreamed into the general frum population.

    There are numerous fine frum women who would love to marry a frum fellow. Find one and marry her.

    #791669

    ilovetheholyland
    Participant

    happy – thanx for the awesome poem!

    yening yenta – i couldve written ur post. i feel EXACTLY the same way. but the thing with me is that im not STRICTLY looking for working. im open to either learning OR working. so then people tell me, “well no one is gonna set you up with a serious learning boy if you dont really want one” as if they are not gonna WASTE him on me. the thing is that if he is learning, i want him to learn because that is what he WANTS to do. not because everyone else is doing it, but because he thinks that its the right thing to do. but on the flipside, if he is working and has a strict seder, and is a mentch with good middos, and has all the qualities that will make him be the best husband and father, why is something wrong with that???? (also in my family there are both. learners and earners. and they all live amazing lives b”h). so sometimes i feel like this is an oxymoron. is it???

    #791670

    popa_bar_abba
    Participant

    cherrybim:

    Thank you for agreeing, but I actually meant the opposite.

    I meant that singles have a hard enough time in the real world being considered kids and not taken seriously because they are single. I would have imagined that online where they can be anything they want, they wouldn’t want to identify as single and meet the same prejudices.

    #791671

    cherrybim
    Participant

    Then I couldn’t disagree with you more.

    Life is hard for everyone but the Torah does not want you to use that as a reason to exclude yourself from the tzibor. There are always legitimate cases that are the exception, but they are not an example to follow.

    #791672

    yentingyenta
    Participant

    Ilovetheholyland: i’m not quite sure what your asking as an oxymoron but there are men who balance their working and learning schedule. the problem is they are all married. out there somewhere<em/> these guys have “younger brother” (thats the only way i can think to say it).

    and why would it be a “waste” for you to marry a learning boy if you dont have a preference? if any thing, its NOT a waste because you have a choice betweent the two, and you can ultimately choose the one that works for you. 12th grade and seminary were real eye openers for me in that i realized, i dont have the mentality (or family support both financially, or emotionally) to marry a working boy.

    and as one of the previous posters said (might of been yossi, not sure) some one has to be the zevulan to the yissasschar. BE”H we will all find our zivugim, and may we not fall discouraged from all the negativity that sorrounds us because of our choices.

    PS. thank you goq for opening this thread

    #791673

    popa_bar_abba
    Participant

    Interesting. So you think singles are using hardship as an excuse to get out of doing mitzvos.

    That’s quite a negative and harsh view. And not very realistic.

    And there is a selfishness and a “me” orientation with single males.

    No there isn’t. That is simply baseless.

    Let me pose you a question: What if you are wrong? What if you are penina and you are hurting people who are already very hurt, for no good reason? (And you ain’t no penina, she was a tzadeikes who made one error.)

    #791674

    yentingyenta
    Participant

    oooooppppppsssssss. mods, can you fix my previous post? its all italicized. Thanx in advance

    PBA where did you see singles trying to get out of mitzvos? all i saw was a list of things men can’t do when they are single, not that they are trying to get out of the mitzvos

    PBA, are you single?

    #791675

    Pac-Man
    Member

    +1 for cherrybim.

    Very well said.

    #791676

    cherrybim
    Participant

    Bad example. Chana did the right thing; she did marry and tried to have a family.

    I have had singles coming to my table for decades, and are still coming. I know singles and they feel very comfortable being with me in my home. And as much as I love them and feel their pain, I still believe I am correct.

    #791677

    popa_bar_abba
    Participant

    PBA where did you see singles trying to get out of mitzvos?

    Life is hard for everyone but the Torah does not want you to use that as a reason to exclude yourself from the tzibor.

    There.

    PBA, are you single?

    Do you have hemorrhoids? How about I won’t ask you personal questions and you won’t ask me.

    #791678

    TheGoq
    Participant

    Cherry this is a thread for singles to comfort one another if u have nothing positive to offer then i suggest you not comment here anymore

    #791679

    TheGoq
    Participant

    pba we have nothing to hide from we are who we are, we are not going to all hide in a corner so the marrieds dont have to think about us, i am a proud single and have nothing to hide.

    #791680

    yentingyenta
    Participant

    PBA i missed your logic.

    and since when is asking your marital status “personal”? asking someone how many centemeters they are dilated is personal. i can’t lean over the computer screen to see if you are wearing a wedding band.

    #791681

    popa_bar_abba
    Participant

    Joseph: In your zeal to assume that the most fanatical opinion is necessarily correct, you ignore the fact that the other position is also capable of fanaticism in the other direction.

    Why are you more machmir on ??? ???? than on ?????? Both are a chiyuv. Why are you willing to insult and hurt singles on the mizbeach of pru urvu?

    cherrybim: I’m not sure what I could say to convince you. So all I say is that you should consider the possibility that you are wrong. Assess the risks. Because if you are wrong, and you are seriously hurting people for no reason, that is pretty bad. (Although, most singles I know would simply laugh at you and never take you seriously again. But I’ll still take you seriously- I give people second chances, sometimes it’s just a single mishegas.)

    #791682

    cherrybim
    Participant

    Sounds like you want to take your marbles and go home.

    “you should consider the possibility that you are wrong”

    Wrong about what? Wrong about strongly advising single men to get married? I do it all the time and no one has taken offense. I do it because I know it’s the right thing for them to do. Wrong that I don’t consider them a group to be pampered and appeased? They deserve more credit than that.

    #791683

    MiddlePath
    Participant

    Quote from a previous post: “The point is that a male who has not married is not a completed person; not in learning, not in his avodah and not in his sensitivity to the suffering of others. And there is a selfishness and a “me” orientation with single males.

    So no one is doing singles a favor by providing them additional comfort zones, such as: their own minyanim in shuls, special discounts in shul dues, their own thread in the CR, etc. They need to feel that their behavior is not ok and they will only find acceptance when they marry and become mainstreamed into the general frum population.”

    What a string of terrible things to say. You don’t know me. You don’t know what my life is like. You don’t know the neglect, lack of attention, and hardships I face constantly. And please know that, even with all that I go through, I am an extremely outgoing, caring, perceptive, and sensitive person. I DREAM of having the opportunity to care for and give to my partner in life. You cannot make assumptions about how much sensitivity a single male has for other people.

    You talk about us having our own minyans in shul…I DREAM of just being accepted into the regular minyan in shul as a valued member. I don’t even have that.

    And, worst of all, saying that we will “only find acceptance” when we marry and become part of the “general frum population” will only make me want to have less and less of a connection with the general frum population.

    Please re-think what you said.

    #791684

    popa_bar_abba
    Participant

    Wrong about what?

    What you said in your first post was highly offensive, and you said it to a forum of single people.

    #791685

    ilovetheholyland
    Participant

    “and why would it be a “waste” for you to marry a learning boy if you dont have a preference?”

    because i dont have a preferance, ppl feel like they have to “save” the really good learning guys for those who will appreciate it. and if i would even considar a working guy, i must not be able to appreciate a good learner. whatever, idk if im making much sense, just letting off steam…isnt that what this thread is for? 😉

    #791686

    cherrybim
    Participant

    These are all teirutzim, excuses, and confirm what I stated.

    I hate to say it, but you guys sound like another group of individuals who have banded together for acceptance.

    Note: This post allowed through despite its offensive content to show how absurd this poster’s position is. -95

    #791687

    Pac-Man
    Member

    Like said above, there is reason in halacha why singles can’t daven for the amud on yomim noraim, don’t wear a talis, etc. Are you upset about this “unfair” treatment of singles by halacha too?

    Sure. And there is a reason why yisroelim can’t duchen. So we can insult them for any reason also. -95

    #791689

    MiddlePath
    Participant

    This thread started out by being a positive, helpful thread for singles. Please, let’s return it to that state.

    #791690

    TheGoq
    Participant

    I thought the reason i started this thread was clear enough but now its being hijacked if your not single please dont post here

    #791691

    Pac-Man
    Member

    95- In fact Kohanim do have a higher status than Yisroelim, much like marrieds have than singles. Those fact being pointed out in no way is an insult to Yisroelim or singles.

    #791693

    Health
    Participant

    Singles Support Group – And I came here thinking that s/o was going to support me. Oh well -I’ll just have to marry a rich girl next time around and she will support me!

    #791694

    Pac-Man
    Member

    Dupe post. Del.

    #791695

    hanib
    Participant

    this is a singles SUPPORT group, so i think that in this case, if people do not have something supportive to say, they should not post here, and if they insist on criticizing the singles, they should do so on another thread. (maybe the unsupportive single group thread).

    #791696

    haifagirl
    Participant

    Thank you 95.

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