Solution to the Shidduch Crisis

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  • #2090106
    n0mesorah
    Participant

    A serious learner should always have what to say. The question is how the rest of us would listen.

    #2090575

    Syag, thank you! “I learned the most from my students”, best learning is achieved by teaching (including by preparing to teach).

    #2090576

    n0 > A serious learner should always have what to say.

    R Salanter had a different opinion: you should always preach Yiddishkeit. Sometimes even with words.

    #2090627
    n0mesorah
    Participant

    No comment.

    #2090635
    yungermanS
    Participant

    The rabbi’s say in Pirkei avos that the best thing is COMPLETE SILENCE versus having an opinion back on every situation

    #2090885

    I am certainly not your student, you definitely, aren’t my teacher, and random advice is not the outcome of preparation so I have no clue what you are trying to say.

    #2090927
    Amil Zola
    Participant

    I cannot wait to read Cruz and Trump’s speeches at the NRA convention which begins Friday in Houston. FWIW guns will not be permitted at this convention.

    #2090937
    Gadolhadorah
    Participant

    “I cannot wait to read Cruz and Trump’s speeches at the NRA convention which begins Friday in Houston…”

    Amil. No need to wait. You’ve heard it all before.
    1. Our prayers are with the families of the niftarim
    2. We salute our heroic first responders (who allowed the shooter about 30 minutes before taking him out).
    3. Now is NOT the time to discuss “gun control”….the Dems never miss an opportunity to exploit a tragedy
    4. We need to put an AR-15 in the hands of every school teacher or some retired policeman to protect their students.
    5. These evil events are all the result of America having gone against G-d’s will (aka its all the fault of the LBGTQs and their political enablers).
    6. The only useful government action should be on mental health (while at the same time objecting to red flag laws or monitoring of social media for violent postings etc.)
    7. The children who were slaughtered should be remembered as korbonos to protect our “beautiful 2nd Amendment”
    8. Abolish the ATF since we won’t allow them to do anything anyway.

    #2090988
    Amil Zola
    Participant

    TY Gadol. Very well stated.

    #2119985
    Mecharker Bchol Oz
    Participant

    R’ Yaakov Emden very strongly wanted to do away with Cherem Rabbeinu Gershom altogether. But even if it is still binding, he held that פילגשים are permitted nowadays and he seems to think they are a good idea to have, in addition to a wife. He held that Cherem Rabbeinu Gershom does not forbid someone from taking a פילגש besides for his wife.

    שאילת יעב”×¥ ח”ב סי’ ט”ו

    https://hebrewbooks.org/pdfpager.aspx?req=1408&st=&pgnum=182&hilite=

    #2120073
    ujm
    Participant

    MBO: I have two. (And it makes Dora crawl out of his skin.)

    #2120178
    Reb Eliezer
    Participant

    There is an interesting GRA on לבני הפלגשם where Rashi says that a yud is missing and a pilegesh has no kesuvah. What is the connection? איש, אשה and כתובה Hashem י-ה-ו-ה resides in it. The yud in ish, the heh in ishah and the vov heh in kesuvah where it should have been called כתב. The pilegesh has no kesuvah so the vov heh is missing by halfing the shem as פלג שם.

    #2120180
    Reb Eliezer
    Participant

    Look up the Sefer Hatodah on Shevuos how Yishai took a pilegesh to give birth to Dovid Hamelech but she substituted the wife for herself which Yishai was never told.

    #2120191
    Reb Eliezer
    Participant

    AAQ, to learn from your students you must teach them. See the Binah Leitim the 6th darasha on Pirkei Avos, Darush 39 which goes with darasha 30 for Shiras Hayom on Pesach.

    #2120197
    Gadolhadorah
    Participant

    “I have two”
    UJM: Thats good to know. Do you still have “date nights” with Mrs. UJM or do nos. 2 and 3 just leave you exhausted?

    #2120206

    Rebe> to learn from your students you must teach them

    isn’t it peshita? They are called “your students” because you teach them!?

    #2120242
    Mecharker Bchol Oz
    Participant

    R’ Yaakov Emden’s idea might be a fix for the shidduchim crisis!

    #2120363
    Reb Eliezer
    Participant

    AAQ, The rebbi teaches the talmid such that the talmid showing a cheshek to learn now encourages the rebbi to teach him more as he learns from the talmid. This becomes a cycle which encourages the talmid and then the rebbi etc.

    #2120384
    Reb Eliezer
    Participant

    This occurs through a talmid’s inquisitiveness where the Rav Haflaah in Parahas Bo says that a kashye comes from a siyata Dishmaya, Divine intervention by helping the rebbi to reveal the sodos Hatorah, the hidden part of the Torah. He compares this to a simpleton who receives a diamond. Liking gold, he goes to a goldsmith to get it covered with gold. The goldsmith is no expert, so he leaves some holes. The simple person sees only the gold but the smart person sees the diamond underneath the gold. This can be the comparison to the bitter water becoming sweet through a bitter tree. One learns a piece of gemara and its bitter because he does not understand it at all even to ask a kashye, Now he gets a siyata dishmaya to ask a kashye which is still bitter without an answer. When he finds an answer, it becomes sweet. The talmidim help the rebbi by asking kashyes to find answers.

    #2120451
    Reb Eliezer
    Participant

    The Chasam Sofer explains that this is the means to be mechadesh something as even a Navi can not be mechadesh something outside of the Torah. It lies in the Torah and through kashyes it gets revealed.

    #2120464

    Right, as when R Yohanan was missing Resh Lakish as hevrusa and rejected another one who was not asking kashiyos but just confirming what R Yohanan was saying.

    #2120502
    Reb Eliezer
    Participant

    The Midrash Shmuel says that we stand by an argument because hearing the opposite view of the Beis Shamai first allowed the Beis Hilel to arrive to the truth by seeing the other side and not stumble in tunnel vision, only seeing one side of an argument and thereby the Beis Shamai became also praiseworthy.
    Currently we don’t understand their view but leasid lavo, by the resurrection we will come to a new understanding, so the majority will follow the Beis Shamai and we will pasken like them.

    #2120543
    Reb Eliezer
    Participant

    When looking for a partner, keep the mezuza in mind which is not placed vertically or horizontally but slanted to remember the importance to compromise. Marriage is called nesuyin to get to elevate each other. Make a list of qualities you are looking for and those that are deal breakers.

    #2120639

    Even as RebE is calling for good disagreement, I can’t find what to disagree with!

    #2120673
    Reb Eliezer
    Participant

    According to the Shevat Sofer that might not be so good. She becomes an ezer, a help by being kenegdo, she can see his faults more than he can, so by disagreeing, he corrects himself and vice versa.
    Maybe it is hinted in this weeks Parsha where the Torah is also talking to marriage mates to see each other as shoftim and shotrim to help each other correct their ways.

    #2120879
    Sam Klein
    Participant

    there is no Shidduch crises Hashem already has every persons zivug setup for them 40 days before they are even born forget about the fact that now in the age of dating they are already 20 years later. So the question YOU Mr Dating boy Or MRS. SEMINARY GIRL need to ask yourselves is if you’re doing your RUCHNIUS hishtadlus of tefillos (davening to Hashem) and Bitachon and Emunah (faith and trust in Hashem)

    Make a daily learning Seder in sefer Chovos Halevovos (duties of the Heart) and start working on your faith with Hashem and nay Hashem answer all your prayers

    #2121306
    Reb Eliezer
    Participant

    There is a story, which I don’t know whether it is true, where a rebbe of talmidim had a special talent that he could depict for each talmid his intended mate to marry. One bachur was shown someone very ugly. He figured that he must escape from this and travelled somewhere to Africa. The custom of modesty was that they wore veils and one could not see the face of the chosen until after the wedding. When he uncovers her, it was exactly the girl the rebbe depicted, so you cannot run away from what is bashert. So trusting that the most compatible was assigned, should daven so that she should be revealed to him.

    #2121346
    ujm
    Participant

    Reb Eliezer, yes, it’s true. I met that bochor (now married to an African wife.)

    #2121357

    > MRS. SEMINARY GIRL

    I applaud her for continuing learning after marriage, but could you please take her out of the dating pool for the sake of sholom bayis?!

    #2121408

    > there is no Shidduch crises Hashem already has every persons zivug

    and I am not hungry because Hashem provides food for everyone! There is a lot of fineprint in Sotah – if you miss your original zvug, then you get another one according to your deeds. Even for the pre-ordained, it says so-and-so is for the daughter of so-and-so! So, a boy presumably has a choice of sisters (who may be way different ages) and sisters have a set of potential chatanim to compete for! (unless there are commentaries that explain this Gemora differently)

    #2121444
    Reb Eliezer
    Participant

    AAQ, Hashem will help you find your assigned zivug according to compatibility (mazel) provided you pray for it. I understand zivug sheni as the second marriage not missed marriage which is according to your deeds. The Midrash says where a matron asked what does Hashem do the whole day? She was told, mezaveg zivugim, matches up individuals. She said I can also do that. Her matches almost ended up killing each other by trying to beat each other to death.

    #2121452
    Reb Eliezer
    Participant

    It says קשה זווגו של אדם כקריעת ים סוף, Hashem’s matchup is a hard as the splitting of the sea. The Chidushei Harim explains that it comes in an unexpected way as קשה פרנסתו, finding a job which is also a matchup of one’s qualifications. They are similar to the splitting of the sea which also occurred unexpected. I can attest to this that my job and marriage came about in an unexpected way.

    #2121461

    > I understand zivug sheni as the second marriage not missed marriage

    RebE, I agree with the rest. I think at least Meiri understands this as early marriage until ~ 20, after that, you may get “what you deserve”. I recall a discussion of possibly missing a zevug. Maybe if you are less than 20, you do not have much time to miss it: your parents find it for you, and, unless it is a gross error that is obvious, most likely they do it right. After all, parents get a siyata d’shmeya naming their children – how many people complain that their name does not fit them? not many. Ok, you have a second name just in case. So, maybe parents get a similar help min hashamayim when doing a shicuh?! just a sevorah, I don’t have no sources.

    #2121472
    moishekapoieh
    Participant

    aseh me at – i finally got to read your reply to my suggestion of having hotels with boys and girls at tables. you wrote:
    ” Nobody is concerned that singles events with ehrliche men and women is going to suddenly degenerate into debauchery, the concern is about singles wasting their time flirting with people they have no intention of marrying, which contrary to the beliefs of some, is not condoned by the Torah.”
    your words sound hollow, considering that a shidduch date is essentially just what you described.
    p.s. i know plenty of people who met in hotels and subsequently married, me included.
    i guess that’s why we’re called ‘modern orthodox’.
    it would be interesting to know how many girls stayed single – using these two approaches to meeting people

    #2121602
    ujm
    Participant

    moishek: G-d forbid that dating is essentially either flirting or engaging in with no intention of marrying. Both are indeed forbidden.

    #2121644
    Reb Eliezer
    Participant

    The gemora emphasizes the requirement for a shidduch. My wife a’h and myself arranged one.

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