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I’ve become convinced that it is very important to start out marriage with a solid foundation. That is, for the first few months or a year at least, you should live in a way that you want to set the tone for your marriage.
And that isn’t to say that everyone has to live that way their whole life. There could easily be very valid reasons why you need to live the rest of your life in a different way–it could be that for avodas Hashem purposes you will need to live the rest of your life a different way. But at least for the first year or so you should live the best way.
So sure, after a year, she can go to work and he can go back to the beis medrash. But for the first year at least–if you can make it work–you should start on the right foot with that solid foundation that he works and takes care of her and she takes care of him.
While he’s at work, she has time to sit and learn.
That is, for the first few months or a year at least
Popa:- Consider Bal Tosif; Ki Setze Parshas Shishi has already taken care of the institution of “Shono Rishono” so let Ki Setze continue to take care of this in haShem’s infinite wisdom way.
Because, as it says, R’ Chaim Al Tzavaro Veyaasok?
Popa,
It’s quite obvious that you do not follow; rather you make your own way.
147 is implying, I believe, that the concept of shanah rishonah is limited to not going to war, and it’s bal tosif to add concepts such as laying solid foundations.
I find that argument (if that’s what he meant) to be a bit shallow.
I also disagree with you as to what the focus of the foundation of a marriage should be. If the focus would be on the couple’s relationship with HKB’H, the proper dynamic of their relationship with each other (which is indeed important in avodas Hashem) should flow naturally from that.
If someone is in fact taking care of the finances, it is, though, a good attitude to focus on how he’s taking care of his wife.
Simply put, their common goals and working together towards those goals should bring them together.
On a bit of a deeper level, if their commitment to the RS”O is real (or to whatever extent it’s real) their relationship with each other will be important to them because it is important to the RS”O.
DaasYochid: A person’s relationship with Hashem is very different! There are all different kinds of people with different personalities. They don’t matter to Hashem, because He is perfect, and can relate to each type as needed. People are not like that. Just because you may share the same values doesn’t mean your relationship will work.
I don’t know what I said that makes you think I disagree with what you said.
You said that if a couple focuses on their relationship with Hashem, their relationship should automatically flow from that. I don’t necessarily agree with that, because the way you work on your relationship with Hashem is very different than working on your relationship with your spouse.
DY: “On a bit of a deeper level, if their commitment to the RS”O is real (or to whatever extent it’s real) their relationship with each other will be important to them because it is important to the RS”O.”
This quote scarily reminds me of monastic rhetoric. People’s relationships with the spouses (spice?) is about each other. If it was only about Hashem, it wouldn’t matter who you married (or if you married at all). It would be very 1984-esque. You marry because the country needs people, not because the relationship matters.
I’m not saying that spousal relationship trumps HKBH in any way. I’m saying that HKBH made us so that we need (and should have) relationships with spouses that are personal, shared love of HKBH notwithstanding.
DaMoshe, that doesn’t negate my points.
Shlomo haMelech was a pretty smart guy. He understood the difficulty in describing an intimate, loving relationship between a finite, mortal Human Being and an Infinite, All-Powerful, Eternal G-d. So the metaphor he used described an intimate, loving relationship with which everyone should be familiar.
To summarize, a couple’s relationship with each other isn’t based on their relationship with the Eibishter. Rather a couple’s relationship with the Eibishter is modeled after their relationship with each other.
I think the challenge is to find someone who will support your spiritual and religious goals. For me, it is extremely important to listen to 1-2 shiurim a day and learn every night. Whomever I marry will have to honor the fact that after work, I will need to devote 2 hours a night to G-d and sit and learn (gemara/halakha, parsha, iyun tefillah, etc.) Marriage is supposed to have an uplifting spiritual effect, not a detrimental effect on one’s avodat hashem, so I’d say that is something to be vigilant about.
I liked what Redleg said.
rd: Wow, you sound really flexible and forgiving.
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