Stepping Down Into The R Platform

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  • #602308
    soliek
    Member

    A sudden flash of inspiration! My phone doubles as an excellent camera, and I quickly removed it from my breast pocket, opened the camera app, and snapped a very blurry picture to remind me of the scene later, when I was in a position to turn what I had seen and felt into a story.

    It seemed like the old stations used to be, and looking around I almost expected a flickering fluorescent fixture, usually indicating some kind of impending danger and excitement.

    I got on the wrong train.

    #857538
    soliek
    Member

    yes…i AM bumping, but the content of this post is relevant.

    “…snapped a very blurry picture to remind me of the scene later, when I was in a position to turn what I had seen and felt…”

    should be “when i would be in a position to…”

    #857539
    OneOfMany
    Participant

    I don’t get it.

    #857540
    dash™
    Participant

    If you’re looking for suggestions, I’s suggest changing the tense of the last paragraph to past perfect.

    #857541
    OneOfMany
    Participant

    Hmmm…the context seems to suggest that he was about to get on the train, not that he had just gotten off. (That doesn’t really make sense either. Which is why I’m confused.)

    #857542
    soliek
    Member

    actually come to think of it, the last paragraph is completely out of place. it should be after the fourth.

    oneofmany: he IS about to get on the train…he got on the wrong one.

    #857543
    OneOfMany
    Participant

    I think dash was talking about this paragraph: “I got on the wrong train.”

    #857544
    soliek
    Member

    no the tense is correct. piece describes a scene…a dystopian, eerie, somewhat mysterious R platform. the writer is taking this all in, and is disconcerted, and finds the scene a bit disorientating. he gets on the wrong train.

    #857545
    OneOfMany
    Participant

    Oh, that’s good…kind of postmodern (I never get that stuff the first time around). I like.

    #857546
    soliek
    Member

    😀 yeah this isnt my usual style…but that R platform really intrigued me

    #857547
    OneOfMany
    Participant

    I had a similar experience on (I think) a 2 train once. Apparently, there are certain lines that have to have narrower cars so they fit through the tunnels on their lines. So they have the new cars, with the blue benches and LED display screens, except the whole interior is slightly different – it’s narrower, the doors aren’t directly opposite each other, the layout of the benches is completely different…it was so surreal.

    #857548
    haifagirl
    Participant

    and finds the scene a bit disorientating

    He actually found the scene a bit disorienting.

    #857549
    soliek
    Member

    HAH! HAIFAGIRL!!! WELCOME BACK!!!

    #857550
    ZeesKite
    Participant

    How do you know what he found? From your screen name it appears that you’re quite a distance away.

    #857551
    soliek
    Member

    o.O exactly what do you think my screen name means?

    #857552
    OneOfMany
    Participant

    “Disorientating” is a real word. It’s an English (British) thing.

    #857553
    soliek
    Member

    and yeah, Wun Uv Meny is right…

    Although I suppose it would be a valid claim were I accustomed to using the American style of English exclusively, but if you take a look, I often use the British style.

    soliekyea…

    #857554
    ZeesKite
    Participant

    soliek: I was referring to ‘haifagirl’, she’s obviously from …

    #857555
    soliek
    Member

    O…

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