Home Forums Shidduchim STOP BLAMING THE BOYS!!!!!!


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    Oh yeah boys are PERFECT!!! (My eyes just rolled to the back of my head)

    And please, your speaking from a mans point of view (I’m assuming)


    demosthenes – I don’t recall seeing any of your posts before. I found this one quite enjoyable. I like your style.


    cute digressions, right on target that girls should wait until they are 20 but there is a slight problem- facts on boys. I mean, maybe the boys should mature earlier. Maybe the guys should be taught to be responsible and how to be a father/man of the house earlier like girls are taught their stuff in high school (home ec anyone?).girls are taught in some math classes how to balance a checkbook but boys are treated with kid gloves.

    both sides are at fault and BOTH need help. No ONE group is responsible but each is making the hole bigger and bigger and bigger. (can you see china yet?)


    Havesomeseichel, perhaps Demosthenes was subconciously saying that boys have been and are being emasculated, and need permission to develop their more creative sides and not deny it instead of being pushed into some “best boy in yeshiva” cookie mold. Sounds more like the learning gap than age gap.

    Maybe he can rewrite his essay so we’ll all be able to understand not just his conclusion, which didn’t fully follow, but his reasoning.

    And Demosthenes, how long have you been so misogynistic?


    Demosthenes, my apologies for being so “teef.” But you do see how a girl, let’s call her Cicera, who had a bully of an older brother is still feeling worn down by a system that is geared to boys (you know the old line about boys needing a secretary, girls a press agent) and that makes her feel like so much meat, and not even the freshest.

    I’m not saying whose reality is more accurate, just commenting.


    demosthenes: Thanks for that long overdue comment!

    shaatra: Typical girls response!

    The poster (who might be a woman) makes a great point!

    havesomeseichel: Do me a favor Puleeezzzzzzz!

    Most of the breakups that I am aware of is do to an immature girl!

    (and an overbearing meddlesome Shvigger!)

    They come out of seminary these girls, Brainwashed that they should seek the next

    Gadol Hador as their mate, regardless to the possibility that they are not

    interested in what that entails, or if they really want such an Ehrliche boy.

    Then if they get what they claimed they wanted, the magic of seminary wears off

    and they’re just left with plain Chana, or Yenta, or whatever their name is,

    Suddenly they realize hey! This isn’t really what I wanted.

    I dont wanna work no more. I want my hubby to work & I wanna shop & wear Prada,

    & look pretty. Like my friend Esti.

    So DON’T give me this baloney of the boys aren’t mature, but the girls are

    waaaaaaaaayyyy beyond their years in maturity & wisdom! Let’s start when their 16.

    YEAH RIGHT!!!!!! I hope some of the people with Seichel will realize there is

    truth to this.


    Bein Hasedorim, we also have to start with the BOYS’ chinuch, giving them breathing room and being mechanech al pi darkom.


    I actually sort of agree with the poster. From my experience, based on myself and my friends, the girl was almost always the one who ended the “longer” relationships (dealing with shidduch dating, so anything more than 5 or 6 dates). That doesn’t mean all the blame should be on girls, but for the most part, I think girls are more picky than guys, once the guy agrees to go out. Part of the reason, in my opinion, is that girls are expecting to feel “magic” and if they don’t, the guy’s obviously not for them. Most of the girls who have this mindset, from what I’ve observed, also happen to be the “older” girls, which is one of the reasons why sometimes guys don’t want to bother going out with them. I also think that if there was a little more realism, if that’s a word, taught to girls, the shidduch crisis won’t be as bad.


    I think the entire chinuch system needs an overhaul.

    How many “best boys” and “next rosh yeshiva” are there in every yeshiva? Whatever the number, it is a small percentage. How many fine ehrliche boys that would make wonderful husbands are there in yeshiva? Certainly not all, but a high percentage.

    How many “best girls” and “the next rosh yeshivas wife” are there in every seminary? How many wonderful fine upstanding girls are there in every seminary?

    If everyone would be taught that its ok if your not the next “best guy” and “rosh yeshiva” and its ok if you dont marry the “best guy” and “next rosh yeshiva” and its ok if your wife was not the “best in the seminary” things would be so much better.

    Since everyone is expected to be the best guy/next rosh yeshiva and is expected to marry the best girl/next great rebbetzin and the girls only want the best guy/next rosh yeshiva , nobody looks for an ehrlicher boy or fine girl.

    Sure, everyone should strive to be the best, but its ok if they are not the “best boy in the yeshiva” but they should be “the best boy that they can possibly be in the yeshiva”. Same with the girls.


    demosthenes: Two years is extreme and sounds like another attempt at age-gapology.

    1] If a girl comes back from seminary with pie in the sky ideas which are not ideas she had prior to her year in seminary and are diametricly opposed to her upbringing, by all means let her wait until she lands. Reasess her ideas in six months to see where she is holding on the issues. Otherwise, she will either marry quickly and wake up to reality too late, or get engaged, freak out, and break up.

    2] If a girl comes back with the same hashkafos and didn’t monumentaly change her overall worldview on basic Jewish living, and SHE chooses to date there is no reason to hold her back. Judaism doesn’t practice MARRIAGE CONTROL, no matter how great a “crisis” might be.


    I was speaking from personal experience. Boys are treated very differently than girls. Home ec is expected for women. Boys are barely taught how to balance a checkbook! Boys are kept in an enclosed environment for several years and dont know about the real world. the value of a dollar. To many, money grows out of the ATM. They run out- mom and dad put more in. Many girls have this while in seminary, but afterwords many work full time. Boys are kept in the “seminary mindset” for several years…


    Oh, and why do the boys need so much more time to mature? Obviously they arent doing that maturing when the girls are! Yes, many girls are pushed to marry when they are immature, but why is it expected for guys to not date anyone before 24? I dont say close there should be marriage control, just that the guys should be forced to mature earlier.


    H-someseichel, since when it is expected for boys not to date before 24? Most guys I know are starting at 22. Though I do know some kids who definitely should NOT start before 24. Think of the alter Mirrers, who started late because they knew that once they got married, the intense learning might well be over. Hmmm, may be on to something….


    demosthenes – lets say the girls decide to wait til twenty to date (which i think is a good idea regardless) who says these boys will want them and not someone younger


    I think it’s the parents of the boys who should suggest to their sons that maybe they should look for a girl over 20 years old. I think some boys wouldn’t mind, but it’s their parents that have that mindset.


    In my experience, It is a total mailoh for a guy to date a girl who is already out of

    seminary for a year or two. It is also safer bet, as far as having a long term marriage, for has a bigger chance of meeting the real girl, already fizzled out

    of her seminary, “Reality Distortion”. Let me explain that term.

    I don’t C”V think seminaries brainwash their girls C”V. as I miswrote earlier.

    I simply mean they pump them up with very high aspirations & expectation etc..

    not the worst thing in the world, however, some girls buy into thinking they’re at levels they might not actually be on. (not being so honest with themselves) & not taking the real world/reality of things into consideration. I think this is a problem with the boys as well, (Rosh Yesivah/Gadol Hador syndrome)

    So in conclusion, when a boy dates a girl that is out of seminary for a year or two,

    reality starts to sink in, her own personality shines through & she is forced to come to terms that she isn’t the best thing since sliced bread, & that she doesn’t need

    the biggest masmid/lamdan of her city/country. Perhaps she wants to raise a family

    in a few years, & not be a speech therapist/special educationer, Ad Meah V’esrim

    Shonah,(till 120.) Plus she gets to mature a little more (if thats Shayich 😉 )

    So Bochurim, Please Do Not grab the youngest girl just because you were told so,

    by your friend, (who does’t know squat) or parents who are just following the crowd.

    Take a girl who wont surprise you in few years leaving you thinking, who is she?


    seminaries brainwashed girls. and girls have to go to seminary b/c all their friends are!

    NY Mom

    bein_hasdorim: I really agree with what you just wrote. (Your post #2 in this thread.) I don’t have children in shidduchim, yet, but be”H I think that is how I will conduct myself with my sons and daughters. Of course, it depends on the individual, so if one child’s needs are different, that must take precedence. But your general philosophy is very practical!


    i have a brother who is almost 21; i keep on hocking up that he should start dating already but he’s not listening.he, together with my father, say “another year”. what can i do, i did my hishtadlus!


    harsh, but i like it


    tzippi: Chanoich L’naar al pi Darkoi, Is a timeless piece of advice.

    NY Mom: Thanks! I am not anti-girls nor pro-guys, I was merely pointing out that this worn-out claim that girls are super mature & guys are very immature, is not accurate at all!

    Goan Atzum

    I only have on thing to say on this topic Demosthenes hit the Shidduch “crisis” right on the nose and I agree with just about every thing that he/she said…especially that lincoln logs thing


    Hashem is everywhere: are you serious? Is your brother capable of shouldering all the burdens of life? I know, a lot of guys, if not most, don’t have degrees, etc. when they get married, but they have to be prepared, emotionally and otherwise to drop whatever they’re doing to get that training because no one knows what life will bring. I think that many boys at just under 21 – that’s barely three years out of high school – are better off learning full time without distractions.


    And I hit send too fast: how old was your father when he got married? What do your parents think?


    Bain hasedorim I agree with you to a point.Overall most girls are more mature than boys that is why a girl is bas mitzvah at the age of 12 and a boy is at the age of 13- not that all girls are so mature to begin with.The biggest problem with boys that I find is thir mothers.I get the most insane questions from them regarding my friends does she smoke,what size is she,what summer camps did her grandmother go to ect… Mothers of boys are only intersted in someone who is beautiful,yichus,big name out there,went to Seminary X, forever support and it makes me sick.My friend and myself only want erliche boys from erliche families but apparently they have been brainwashed by their mommies who are looking for a barbie doll with big yichus and money!Don’t tell me it’s not a most people because I have no idea where the normal boys and there mothers are hiding.You can’t win.One woman told my mother that she didn’t want her son to go out with a girl because she was too pretty-this is a normal erliche frum girl.People only want a Rosh Yeshiva’s daughter,billonare’s daughter.Why can’t people pick peole based opn their middos, their avodas Hashem as long as someone comes from a decent erliche family is open to chesed has simmilar goals and values.Why is our generation obsesssed with only the outer things!Don’t get me wrong a person has to be attracted to whom they marry, and marrying a rich person isn’t a bad thing.The problem lies with people’s priorities.What is the most imortant to them.Oh all the mothers who call me up want to know if the girl has good middos but they only dwell on the girl’s middos for a second, they spend more like a half an hour findidng out about the girl’s money,house and yichus.



    Anyone who ever redd a shidduch, knows it can be just as difficult to deal with the girl’s side as the boy’s. So you really can’t only blame the boys.


    BasYisroel2: I agree, there is plenty of blame to go around.

    On the boys side it seems to be the primarily the mother, on the girls side, however, it seems to be the girls echoing their seminaries, using a yardstick thats size,

    few can measure up to.


    tzippi: he has about 1 more year for his bachelors degree. my parents want him to wait another year, not necessarily because of the degree, just because they think he needs more time.


    Dear Demothenes,


    Hashem Is Everywhere, why do you think your parents don’t know what’s best?


    TO the one suggesting that girls get engaged later- first of all, although it may hurt to hear, girls DO mature earlier than boys most of the time. So if a girl feels ready, why should she wait? If a good offer comes up, why not go for it? I really don’t see your point. Can you please explain?


    … LOT to say here!

    The shidduch issue is NOT an age issue. it is an image issue. while boys are still in e”y, if they start dating they look for a girl. once they come back and enter the dating “scene,” they start looking for a business deal. they tally up their “worth” based on what yeshivas they went to and how smart they are and decide what they “deserve” and what they can “get.” now they demand a girl who is rich and famous and will not consider not “doing a good shidduch.” when the rich older girls are all married, the boys start dating the younger rich girls who will allow them to learn while they sit back without a worry on their minds.

    firstly, this is what causes the shidduch crisis. the girls whose parents aren’t loaded with cash and who are working hard because they really want the kollel life can’t get a date because all the boys are looking for the easy life. where is our mesiras nefesh for torah? is the kollel life one of la la land with the responsibilities all loaded on the parents?? and what kind of chinuch are you giving to your children when you value money so much that you can only learn if you are supported???

    and what happens when mr. rich f-i-l becomes not so rich f-i-l?? will miss rich still be so supportive of learning?? maybe its better to marry a girl who is demonstrating her commitment to learning by actually working hard to achieve this goal?


    and if it takes moving out of town or going to a kollel that’s not the boy’s first choice, then consider that your mesiras nefesh! the girl has to support and have the children and take care of the house and relocate to somewhere that the boy chooses and maybe even commute to work and/or school??? why cant the boy at least do his little bit of hishtadlus of pitching in and be willing to learn somewhere outside lakewood where he can get help from a kollel?? why is the boy’s learning so delicate that he can only learn in one place?

    and again, is image coming into play? are the boys so worried what people will think of them that they can’t go out of town? what happened to having a little backbone? and doing what’s right and not what’s accepted???


    To melechalmaklo: certainly chinuch is at the core. But the demographics is a real issue, and an easy symptom to get at. No reason not to make a few attempts at evening the numbers first (i.e. date the first few times within range). But personally I would like to see the other issues addressed with as much passion.


    to melechalmaklo

    If the shidduch crisis affects the girls more than the boys, shouldn’t the girls be the ones making sacrifices in order to get a shidduch? If the guys have so many choices they have no need to accept anything but what they consider the best. I’m not saying that’s the way it should be, in fact I don’t do any of the things you say boys do when looking for shidduchim, I don’t want my in laws to support me and I would live anywhere that I can make a living. Of course you’re talking about learning boys and I’m a working guy so it’s a whole different situation but bottom line is you can’t place all the blame on the boys. don’t hate the players hate the game.


    To jewwithnomoney: where’s the menschlichkeit?

    The problem with the “they have no need to accept anything but the best mentality” was explained pretty well in a recent article on the shidduch crisis and the danger of dimyon, constant comparison and holding off for the best.


    melechalmaklo: according to your theory there should be a boatload of older single boys sitting around waiting for a PHD. It’s just not so. Surely boys are able to make demands etc. but that is a derivative of the crisis not a cause. Ask Tzippy she’ll explain it to you.


    To Tzippi:

    where’s the menschlichkeit?

    It’s not a matter of menschlichkeit, I would argue that amongst people making demands in shidduchim there rarely is any. All I’m saying is that melechalmaklo’s points make more sense directed at girls than guys. You would think that if the girls are having such a hard time, they would be less picky and stop expecting every tiny detail about the guy to be perfect.



    I am talking about yeshivish learning boys. Things are different with working boys. Boys are not looking for PhDs because they don’t believe in going to a secular college, and once girls become educated and sophisticated, they become too much for the yeshivish boys to handle.

    If there were boys waiting for a PhD we would be in good shape. There are plenty of intelligent, accomplished girls out there. The problem is that the boys or the boys’ parents are looking for support from the girls’ parents and not from the girls themselves. The boys want a stress-free life and a stress-free wife. And if the boys want to go right back to e”y where the wives can’t work, the PhD becomes gannenet or at best, telemarketer.


    I know plenty of boys who are would be thrilled with a PhD. They’re looking for nurses, speech therapists (doesn’t have to be kosher online either) and more.

    True, a lot of these girls find that their degrees are meaningless in E”Y. Hopefully they’ll be able to pick up where they left off if they come back to the states, or they’ll work hard to get the certification they need in E”Y.

    I’m not savvy enough to search here, snip, etc. but I believe AZ once said that of course boys will be ridiculously picky, due to the demographics. I simply commented there that I think it’s really sad. If we have been given this nisayon of the shidduch crisis due to demographics, as is maintained (rather than say that we have created shidduch crisis due to poor chinuch, learning gap and other factors; OR rather than say it’s a combination of such factors and demographics, IOW, if we’re going to focus TOTALLY on demographics in finding a solution) then we have to say, wow, what a nisayon. Like all nisyanos, isn’t Hashem putting us here to see if we act from our greatest strengths, with nobility and menschlichkeit?

    Instead, if you’re going to say, well of course the boys WILL demand because they can, because of the supply, we’re flunking this nisayon big time, and have to figure out how to educate to pass it.

    AZ, did I explain this clearly? Let me know if I need to clarify further.


    I come from a family of PhDs who plugged through the years of education solely to support a family long-term. From personal experience, boys would still rather rich in-laws and less accomplished girls. There is definitely a chinuch crisis. Of course the whole situation is a nisayon, but if there is something we can change, then it’s our own responsibility to do so.


    When I wrote PHD i was referring to PAPA HAS DOUGH.

    There should be tons of yeshivish boys sitting and waiting for th Rich father in law and it just aint so.

    Now Please go back and read my post from the previous page.


    OK, I get it.

    They don’t have to wait for a “rich” papa, just one who’s willing to overextend himself enough. And again, they are banking on the girls’ parnasa. As one parent recently said, used to be that chas v’shalom girls went to college – oy, a career girl. Now the first question is, what’s she doing.

    Isn’t that supposed to be one of the reasons boys should prefer older girls, because they already have parnasa under their belts?


    Mrs. tzippi:

    No working girl can replace a PHD. After children (or EY), the cash flow stops & the boy then has to work/consider being mistapek B’muat, both of which for the boy is not prepared. With a PHD, the boy can learn being supported and not have any worries about parnassah, B”H!


    But there are only so many PHDs.

    And I know plenty of girls getting married to middle class (or barely) families, who are somehow getting supported. Even if it’s a ZHD, Z’s money can only stretch so far due to all the branches.



    from your previous post “according to your theory there should be a boatload of older single boys sitting around waiting for a PHD. It just isn’t so.”

    You bet it is so! the older long-term learners that are still around are most definitely looking for support. At this point, they are not looking for it for practicality reasons because the older girls already have degrees, etc. They are looking for it because they feel they deserve it and feel gypped if they didn’t get it. Why is that the case?

    The chinuch crisis that i mentioned is exactly what gavra_at_work mentioned. The girls are being taught to be mistapek b’muat while the boys are being taught to look for money. there’s a disparity there that i think needs to be reconciled on a broad scale…


    To melechalmaklo: I wonder. I hear about the boys who are asking for six digits, a house, etc. but honestly, the boys who are “only” after the basic five year plan may be more practical than greedy. How far does a supplemental 12k a year go, anyway, sometimes? Maybe 12k is mistapek b’muat.


    melechalmaklo: In BMG as of Pesach there were 942 single boys. Guess how many were 27 and still single???


    Doesn’t sound like there are to many boys hanging around looking for money to me.

    (remember a 27 year old boy is equivalent to a 24 year old girl- dating 5 years).

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