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From what I’ve learned from different things, what we need to remember is to
Make an effort to communicate and understand
Express appreciation to enhance the relationship
Spend some time alone with each other without distractions
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Sometimes, we are busy and don’t give enough attention to the relationship. But we need to do so for the sake of the family
Very true to all these..
I’d like to add-
Little gifts and notes go a long way
Just listen when ur spouce needs to vent
No one gets bored of hearing “I love you”
What’s better for a marriage, If the guy is a working guy, is it better for the shalom bayis for the mom to be a stay at home mom, or to be a working? Personally I am a working mom, I make time for my children but I sometimes feel I don’t make enough time. Is it better to be a full time stay at home mom? experts out there, What is healthier?
I don’t think anyone else in the whole world can tell YOU whether it’s healthier to be a stay-at-home mom or a working mom. Some women need a little break from their kids and feel rejuvenated after adult company and conversation and are able to give better attention to their kids when they come home. Others feel overwhelmed with trying to balance everything.
On the other hand, staying at home all day can send some women into depression, especially in the long winter months when it’s hard to get out with the kids. Trying to entertain children all day can be a real challenge unless you’re a really creative type of person.
What are your options for daycare? How many hours do you work? Here in EY, sending a 2yo to gan is very common, for sure by 3, but often the lady has the next kid already in the house so if she’s waiting until the child goes to gan before going out to work then she’s now waiting for the next kid for the same thing. This can be never-ending and keep the woman home for many years. On the other hand, sending a child out to daycare until 4 p.m. can be hard for the kid and the mother – how much time does she see her child and participate in his/her chinuch? Who is taking care of her child during those many hours a day?
These are all questions and answers that only you know for your situation. I would make a list of pros and a list of cons and see where things stand for you and your family. I know of a woman who has 1yo triplets and she brings them to the daycare center at 7 a.m. and does not pick them up until 4 p.m. They are in bed and asleep by 8-8:30. I don’t think I could only spend 4 hours with my babies, but on the other hand, taking care of triplet babies 24/7 could really send me over the edge, it’s very personal.
Hatzlacha in coming up with the right balance!
“Some women need a little break from their kids and feel rejuvenated after adult company and conversation”
Why does this require being a “working mother”, as opposed to getting out for a couple of hours etc ?
I sometimes feel that if was only my husband that brings in the bucks I will feel auckward spending on certain things. Then again you can say a housewife works just as hard…. That’s why I work. But then I feel guilty for not always being able to make a hot lunch for my kids etc… Because I am wrking…
Stay at home moms how do you feel about only your hubs working??
Logician, there are women out there who want to use their brains, not just schmooze with friends on the street or going to an exercise class. I didn’t get into all of the details otherwise my post my be a whole book. What’s the point of getting into the kishkes of my post, when we’re supposed to be trying to answer the OP’s question? The point was about a woman going out to work, so I was trying to give some examples of things I’ve heard of from other women who feel the desire to go to work for reasons that are not purely financially-driven.
More, I think you will feel guilty no matter on which side of the fence you stand. I do feel less awkward about spending $ on things since I’m making money, but what’s your husband like? Would he begrudge you those things or is it your conscience that’s bothering you? There is something about having lunch ready for kids when they come home. Can you put something in a crockpot and have it ready when they get home even if you’re not there? You could even get it set up the night before and start it on a timer in the middle of the night or whenever so it would be ready on time for them.
My opinion is that if working is important to you, then you should see if there are ways to solve the difficulties you have with that so that you won’t feel guilty – alternate meal plans – hot meal at night or crock pot idea, extra cleaning help to free up your time from this when you ARE home with them, a teenage girl to help with laundry, again to free up extra time. Hope these ideas help.
Nechomah – the point is I don’t buy it.
+1 Logician
more: I don’t know how many children you have or how demanding running your household is – and it really doesn’t make a difference to me.
Point is: If there is enough on your plate with taking care of the kids/running household, etc. why would you consider it as if you’re not working. (Might be a lower salary) I think it’s a much harder job to stay home a whole day with the kids. (more rewarding too.)
If you do have extra time on your hands, I would definitely advocate working. It keeps you feeling fulfilled. More so than shopping a whole day or schmoozing on the phone.
One more thing. I do think its crucial to work in a place that has a pleasant atmosphere and to do stuff you really enjoy.
There really is no need to add to the stress level of raising a family.
Logician- ur absolutely right. Many in our generation don’t have the same feeling for being “a mother” like it was in the past and the way this world was created for. YesN Hashem has created man and woman with specific roles. In many a home the roles have been switched and sometimes it works well, however for many the relationship isn’t ideal since the one who makes the money automaticaly feels like “the man” of the relationship, not always, there are wives who support the family and still know their role. However, it can reverse the roles which isn’t healthy. But hey, times have changed, girls are out there working before they get married which is relatively new, and they get used to work and carrers etc. So we gotta deal with it. Its important though to remember ur true role in a marriage.
More-2, I spent quite a few years as a stay at home mom B”H. I had no problem spending my husbands money as I considered it “our” money, not his. To be honest I always felt I had the harder job and I’m pretty sure my husband agrees. A married couple is one unit and the work being done in the home is for everyone, so the money being spent is being spent on the family. If you would not feel bad buying things for the children with his money, why should you feel bad spending it on things you need?
Thankyou Nechomo, commonsense, and everyone else..
NO, thank g-d my hubs is not demanding.
commonsense- I know that a house wifes job is much harder than working a full time job. I just feel that the money wouldn’t belong to both of us, if I didn’t work alittle for it as well, and that is the only reason why I work, My husband understands this..
“If you would not feel bad buying things for the children with his money, why should you feel bad spending it on things you need? “-that’s a good question. I don’t know how to answer it.
Maybe I need therapy for this.. You guys are telling me it aint normal…
Logician: I have re-read Nechomah’s post twice and I still can’t find where you extrapolated that point from. (Not that it isn’t valid. Just, why are you attacking her with it?)
More, I wouldn’t say that you need therapy and I don’t think it’s not a normal feeling.
What I would say is that halachically all money made by you belongs to your husband, so there is no money that is really yours unless your husband gives it to you to spend however you want. Having a good feeling about contributing to the finances and being able to spend a little extra on something you really want is a very common feeling, but not based on any halachic difference in whose money it is. (Does this make sense?)
I would maybe talk to a Rebbetzin who could help you get a different perspective on incomes and spending $. You probably feel like it’s not something that you “need” but something that you want, so you feel guilty. Isn’t guilt a Jewish emotion?
Again, hoping you find the right balance for your marriage and family.
OOM – The topic is women working. Nechomah said women need to get out. I questioned why that required them to become “working mothers”. She responded by explaining that they need stimulation, not just a break, and questioned by raising the point. So I explained that I think her post is a typical cop-out reason given for women working, covering up for the simple fact that they don’t feel satisfied in their roles.
Think First – Its not enough to realize the importance. They need to rediscover the inherent satisfaction in the job. And that’s pretty difficult, seeing as they’re prepared for twenty years for anything but.
I’m wondering if the husband’s who work full time while their wives stay home with the kids, help out at night with household duties and/or the kids, or do they relax most of the time since they are tired from working a whole day? I’m a stay at home mom, and I do almost everything in my house during the week myself, (making supper, washing dishes, laundry, taking care of my son etc) because my husband is usually very tired when he comes home from work, so he doesn’t feel like helping out, and I feel bad to ask him to help, since I understand that he is tired.
Logician, I honestly don’t know how in the financial situation of our generation that a woman can really stay at home without working unless her husband makes tons of $. If he does, terrific. I think I would have understood your point better had you simply extolled the value of being a Jewish mother and how essential the role of staying at home to take care of family is to a Jewish family, and showing how the woman who goes to work simply because she wants some “intellectual stimulation” has the wrong focus in her life. I didn’t intend for my post to come off sounding like that since that didn’t seem to be where More was coming from in her question about working.
I clearly said that I’m not talking about financial considerations.
I didn’t say there’s something wrong with stimulation.
You said that the choice between staying or working was dependent on the individual, because some can’t stay at home all day etc.
I pointed out that that is a commonly given reason, which I consider a cover-up for their real reason.
I wasn’t trying to express the importance of staying home – simply pointing out that many women don’t like it a bit, and don’t admit to it.
Nechomo, thanks for your really insightful posts on the subject – how refreshing!
Logician – being a housewife is an important full time job. Like being a lawyer, a doctor, a plumber, a bricklayer or anything else. Some of these jobs require more brain use and some less. Even a bricklayer or plumber can go home after a long hard day of mixing cement or unclogging sewers and read Plato and study Latin but at the end of the day, being a plumber is not an intellectually stimulating vocation.
Same for being a housewife. It is an important role that is the right job for some people and not the right job for others. One reason (among many) someone may not want to be a housewife is because she wants a job where she will need to use her mind as a part of her job on a continuous and regular basis. Housewife does not offer these opportunities.
Like Nechomo said, each person should really do what fits them taking their whole picture into account. Just like I would not recommend that anyone become a doctor ONLY for the money but rather I will suggest looking at many other factors, most importantly what is it you WANT to do, i would also not recommend that a woman become a housewife just because she is a married orthodox jewish woman with a family.
While i believe a family that can have a housewife has many advantages over families that do not, each woman must make an independent choice (after reviewing the TOTAL picture).
besalel – I did not enter this debate. I did not give an opinion about a woman who says that being a housewife is not for her. I simply asked that people should be honest about their feelings.
Nechomah did not say anything about women who say they don’t want to stay at home. “Some women need a little break from their kids” is what she said. I hear this all the time, and its garbage. You can take breaks, be stimulated, work a few hours, volunteer etc. Working full time leaves you with precious little time with your kids, its not “a little break”.
If you don’t like taking care of your kids, just say so. Then we can discuss that.
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