Supporting your son-in-law

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  • #598849

    call me frum
    Member

    I’m just curious to know- who here supports the idea of fully supporting your a son-in-law? My friend just went out with someone 10 times and then he called it off bec her parents felt uncomfortable writing a check each month. Does anyone agree with this?

    #988571

    collegegrad
    Member

    My parents do not fully support their girls but they “help” until the girl is self suffeciant (finishes college and gets job). When my parents look into girls for their sons they expect the same thing and will say no if the girls parents are not going to help out and the girl does not have a college degree. I have no problem asking for support for your sons but I say you can only demand for your sons what you are giving for your daughters. I have gotten no’s from boys from parents with no money cuz my parents werent offering enough. That I think is a major chutzpah. I really don’t think they were supporting their daughters the amount they were demanding for their son. In your case though if money will call off a shidduch the parents should really discuss that before the guy and girl go out cuz its really shame when 2 ppl like each other and the parents dont let it go thru cuz of moeny issues.

    #988572

    Abe Cohen
    Participant

    It’s a great mitzvah to support Torah learning. So better to support your own SIL’s Torah learning than someone else.

    #988573

    MichaelC
    Member

    Therefore don’t let it enter your mind, the advice of the evil inclination that the recieving a portion of those who learn in KOLLELIM and the portion of the rabbanim and teachers and Roshei Yeshivas on what sin and lack of the trait of piousness- because that (this inclination) is only there to misleaad and to seperate from torah. And who will give and be givers to fund the many torah scholars who increase the sons of torah (b’nei torah) and gedolie yisroel and men of instruction (e.g.posekim) of the will of G-d May He Be Blessed, as theres nothing else in the world but the 4 cubits of halacha.

    (Responsa Igors Moshe, Yoreh Deah, 8″2, end of siman 197)

    #988574

    Imaofthree
    Participant

    oh that’s too bad, but better to call it off before than end up divorced.

    I guess if the guy is learning full time he needs the support and if the parents of the girl will not support she has no business going out with this guy in the first place.

    May your friend find her intended one at the right time.

    #988575

    call me frum…from what you wrote it sounds like Her parents called it off, not your Son…If her parents don’t want their daughter to be married with a full time learner, then why did it take 10 dates to figure this out?

    Secondly, was there a connection between your son and the girl? If yes, then like others they can make it work without financial support from the in-laws…it is possible to work and learn at the same time…

    #988576

    ootinny
    Member

    mikehal I think call me from said HIS parents called it off, not hers. And sometimes, unfortunately, there are miscommunications b4 people go out and in this case it probably was clearly stated that the boy’s famiy wanted FULL support. And we’re not talking here about working and learning- only learing. I personaly think that the girl can get a job

    #988577

    aries2756
    Participant

    So sad, it is up to the shadchan to inform each set of parents what the other expects in a shidduch. The children should not get emotionally involved with each other and then have to break up because of the details. A shadchan has to LISTEN and look for the right type of match to begin with.

    I believe that parents of BOYS and I have 3 are responsible for teaching them to make a parnassah. And if they want them or are preparing them to learn all their lives THEY are responsible to help them financially. Parents of girls who are looking for learning boys for their daughters and are looking for that lifestyle for their daughters should also be prepared to help their daughters. So in such a situation where both sets of parents are preparing their children for that lifestyle neither should be relying on the other set of parents but should realize that they each have an obligation to assist their children since this is what they taught and prepared their children to do. When one side or the other is looking for “full” support they are just being rude and obnoxious feeling that their child is more chashuv than the other and they can be sold to the highest bidder. Personally my children are not for sale and they support themselves.

    On the other hand, if the children themselves choose this lifestyle, it is up to them to figure out how they will support themselves and the parents should not promise to do what they can’t afford to do.

    #988578

    ootinny
    Member

    aries well said I agree wholeheartedly

    #988579

    oomis
    Participant

    personaly think that the girl can get a job “

    Funny, I feel the same way about the boy. AND he can learn, too.

    #988580

    zeman
    Participant

    Someone once asked a new father-in-law ” How’s your new son-in-law doing?”. He replied “Oh he’s doing great! He already has five people working for him 1.Me 2.My wife 3.His wife 4.His father 5.and His mother

    #988581

    ootinny
    Member

    oomis1105 he CAN def get a job, and prob even should but sometimes he feels it worthwhile to learn for a couple of years first

    #988582

    collegegrad
    Member

    I have friends that the boys learned and the girls had simple jobs and neither side helped out and they managed just fine. Yes they didnt have fancy cars and go on fancy vacations but they managed.

    #988583

    tzippi
    Member

    Supporting per se is not a bad thing, but I feel terrible for this girl. If this is going to be an issue shadchanim shouldn’t dance around it or finesse. If a girl’s parents say they can’t/won’t support, they have to be upfront so no hearts get broken.

    #988584

    Toi
    Participant

    ya seriously.issues like that should be clarified early on.

    #988585

    ootinny
    Member

    i think there is something wrong with supporting- why should it only be one side? if they really cant manage i think both sides have an equal obligation! why should parents of boys have the easy way out and just sell their sons to the highest bidder??

    #988586

    RABBAIM
    Participant

    1-Direct deposit removes some of the possible embarrassment

    2- It is a privilege to support Torah learning. If the bachur is for real, be proud. he is giving more than he is receiving. Zevulun is equal to Yisachar. Not everyone can be a Zevulun. Not everyone is a Yisachar. If you found Yisachar and can be Zevulun go for it!

    #988587

    RABBAIM
    Participant

    1-Direct deposit removes some of the possible embarrassment

    2- It is a privilege to support Torah learning. If the bachur is for real, be proud. he is giving more than he is receiving. Zevulun is equal to Yisachar. Not everyone can be a Zevulun. Not everyone is a Yisachar. If you found Yisachar and can be Zevulun go for it!

    #988588

    shlishi
    Member

    Traditionally, Jewish brides have always provided a dowry to the groom.

    #988589

    QuestionForYou
    Participant

    What ever happened to the good-old-days, when a man worked full time and learned 1 or 2 Sedarim a day, and he understood about responsibility, Parnassa, and providing for a family?

    #988590

    bein_hasdorim
    Participant

    There isn’t anyone who cannot agree with this. If the parents are not willing, then it is out of the question.

    Although supporting a Serious Learner is a wonderful Zchus.

    However, one cannot enter such an agreement if one does not have the financial means or doesn’t hold of this practice. It is wrong to enter merely based on outside pressure or society.

    What bothers me is how he got into dating a girl for so long without being aware that the parents are not willing to support.

    Did they mislead him, or was it the Shadchan?

    Or was his asking price unreasonable?

    i.e. 4 bedroom home w pool, Lexus lease, 1,000 tashen gelt per week. Idk, sounds weird.

    #988591

    ootinny
    Member

    i think the system is messed up. that is all. good girls are getting rejected bec the boys want money from her parents even if she has a good job. its fukrumped

    #988592

    QuestionForYou…I coudn’t agree more

    #988593

    collegegrad
    Member

    My younger brother just started shidduchim and he says his Rosh Yeshiva tells the boys not to go after rich girls. Even if their parents can give more the girls are used to more and the end result is that the boy ends up staying in learning for shorter because they need money to please wives. A more simple girl can make do with less and the boy can stay in learning for longer.

    #988594

    Know what? I’m looking forward to the day when my sons-in-law can support me.

    #988595

    ootinny
    Member

    I’m looking fwd to the day when all this comes to an end and marriages aren’t business deals and people like each other for who they are, and there’s no more shidduch crisis!!

    #988596

    QuestionForYou
    Participant

    Please understand that my previous post was not meant to C”V denigrate Torah learning.

    Its spiritual power brings good to the world.

    #988597

    golfer
    Participant

    QuestionForY, let me get this straight-

    You posted 2 years ago, ruminated on the post for 2 whole years, and then woke up one morning and decided to post a clarification??

    #988598

    streekgeek
    Participant

    Wow! Was that bothering your conscience for 2 years until you decided to do something about it?

    #988599

    mavmav
    Participant

    QuestionForyou must be a Chofetz Chaim guy; contemplating his post for 2 years 🙂

    #988600

    Anonymous1000
    Participant

    call me frum – If that is what the boy wants he should have made it clear before meeting the girl once let alone 10 times. So there seems to be something amiss over here. Also there are many fatherinlaws who would be honored to have a son in law who is willing to learn full time and be thankful to Hashem for giving them the means to support such a situation.

    #988601

    👑RebYidd23
    Participant

    There should be absolutely no supporting of sons-in-law. A father should support his daughter if he wants to and has the means, and let her support her husband.

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