December 5, 2013 2:07 pm at 2:07 pm #611479
Personal question: As a child, what were you constantly teased about and did/does it affect who you are today?
In other words, have you worked on your physical appearance, broke habits or changed your nature as a result of consistent teasing by family members or classmates?December 5, 2013 3:06 pm at 3:06 pm #991850TinyTimMember
Yes I was! I can’t share what on this forum. In any case it wasn’t something in my power to change, but as I grew older I also grew thicker skin and learned a valuable lesson that there are many jerks in this world but there are also many many nice people. When I grew older I would sometimes say to a person who was making fun of me “You do realize how obnoxious it is to say that” and often other people who would be in the room would agree and say yeah that was really not nice but I had to get comfortable enough in my own skin to be able to deal with it…December 5, 2013 3:06 pm at 3:06 pm #991851HaLeiViParticipant
Teasing does not encourage you to get better. It solidifies the trait you are being teased about. When a child is told that he is Kvetchy, a brat, or any other wonderful title, he knows he found his niche. That is a far cry for encouraging change, which is when he understands that little stands between him and the correct behavior, and we practically see him that way already, that it is just a matter of actually playing it out and it’s done.December 5, 2013 4:29 pm at 4:29 pm #991852
TinyTim – Wow, but that probably took a lot of years to build up the courage! And I’m totally with you on the amount of jerks in the world – I keep on meeting more and more of ’em!
Haleivi – Teasing does not encourage you to get better. It solidifies the trait you are being teased about. I totally disagree with this statement from personal experience. Most people want to find approval in the eyes of their loved ones, not just attention.December 5, 2013 4:42 pm at 4:42 pm #991853HaLeiViParticipant
Sure you seek approval. The question is if you think it is possible to get it or if that’s what you are. When you are made to feel that in essence you are perfecct with a temporary obstacle in the way you will act faster than if you are already considered certain title.December 5, 2013 5:16 pm at 5:16 pm #991854RedlegParticipant
I stuttered as a child (still do) so I was often teased and bullied. I responded by fighting back, either conversationally or physically. I found that bullies stop when it’s no longer fun. When teasing results in a clever put down and bullying earns you a bloody nose, it stops being fun. Over the years my stutter has become somewhat less pronounced, although still noticeable, but have found that if you have something to say that’s worth listening to, folks don’t notice so much the way it’s said. I sort of suspect that something similar occurred to Moshe Rabeinu. When G-d selected him for his mission, he was very self-conscious about his speech, but by the time sefer Devarim rolls around, He was addressing all of Klal Yisroel and teaching them Torah. He still stuttered but it didn’t matter anymore, neither to him nor to Klal Yisroel.December 5, 2013 5:35 pm at 5:35 pm #991855Trust 789Member
From the book: Shame & Guilt: Masters of Disguise
Characteristics Of Adults Shamed In Childhood
Adults shamed as children are afraid of vulnerability and fear exposure of self.
Adults shamed as children may suffer extreme shyness, embarrassment and feelings of being inferior to others. They don’t believe they make mistakes. Instead they believe they are mistakes.
Adults shamed as children fear intimacy and tend to avoid real commitment in relationships. These adults frequently express the feeling that one foot is out of the door, prepared to run.
Adults shamed as children may appear either grandiose and self-centered or seem selfless.
Adults shamed as children feel that, “No matter what I do, it won’t make a difference; I am and always will be worthless and unlovable.”
Adults shamed as children frequently feel defensive when even minor negative feedback is given. They suffer feelings of severe humiliation if forced to look at mistakes or imperfections.
Adults shamed as children frequently blame others before they can be blamed.
Adults shamed as children may suffer from debilitating guilt. These individuals apologize constantly. They assume responsibility for the behavior of those around them.
Adults shamed as children feel like outsiders. They feel a pervasive sense of loneliness throughout their lives, even when surrounded with those who love and care.
Adults shamed as children project their beliefs about themselves onto others. They engage in mind-reading that is not in their favor, consistently feeling judged by others.
Adults shamed as children often feel angry and judgmental towards the qualities in others that they feel ashamed of in themselves. This can lead to shaming others.
Adults shamed as children often feel ugly, flawed and imperfect. These feelings regarding self may lead to focus on clothing and makeup in an attempt to hide flaws in personal appearance and self.
Adults shamed as children often feel controlled from the outside as well as from within. Normal spontaneous expression is blocked.
Adults shamed as children feel they must do things perfectly or not at all. This internalized belief frequently leads to performance anxiety and procrastination.
Adults shamed as children experience depression.
Adults shamed as children lie to themselves and others.
Adults shamed as children block their feelings of shame through compulsive behaviors like workaholism, eating disorders, shopping, substance abuse, list-making or gambling.
Adults shamed as children often have caseloads rather than friendships.
Adults shamed as children often involve themselves in compulsive processing of past interactions and events and intellectualization as a defense against pain.
Adults shamed as children are stuck in dependency or counter-dependency.
Adults shamed as children have little sense of emotional boundaries. They feel constantly violated by others. They frequently build false boundaries through walls, rage, pleasing or isolation.
Characteristics Of Shame-Based Adults In Relationships:
We lose ourselves in love.
When we argue, we fight for our lives.
We expend a great deal of energy in mind-reading. We frequently talk to ourselves about what our partners are feeling and needing more than to our partners.
We pay a high price for those few good times.
We often sign two contracts upon commitment, one conscious and another which is unconscious.
We blame and are blamed.
We want them gone, then fight to get them back.
We know it will be different but expect it to be the same.
We often feel that our partners are controlling our behavior.
We are frequently attracted to the emotional qualities in another that we have disowned in ourselves.
We often create triangles in relationships.
We seek the unconditional love from our partners that we didn’t receive adequately in a shaming childhood.December 5, 2013 5:56 pm at 5:56 pm #991856
streetgeek: I thought we were all born jerks and only some of us mature…December 5, 2013 7:23 pm at 7:23 pm #991857
My question isn’t if teasing is right or wrong, I’m just genuinely curious if people feel that they’ve changed either positively or negatively from other people’s perceptions of who they should be and how they should act. I know for myself, I’ve changed one particular trait of mine due to the constant teasing from both my siblings and friends, though most adults found it endearing. I just hated being so different. In hindsight, I am not so happy about this as my natural trait that I worked so hard changing wasn’t something that was meant to be changed, and I’d be a lot better off now if I hadn’t changed it…
Haleivi: That does make more sense to me now, so thank you for spelling it out.
Trust789: Adults shamed as children may suffer extreme shyness, embarrassment and feelings of being inferior to others. They don’t believe they make mistakes. Instead they believe they are mistakes. 🙁 Ouch! It hurts so much more when feelings that are so hard to describe are put in to words…
Redleg: Thanks for sharing, that sounds like it was so hard to deal with! I’m quite amazed by your attitude towards the issue now, quite fascinating actually.
miritchka: You thought wrong. I’ve never been a jerk and I’ve never matured either. At least no one ever told me that I was one, though I was called a whole nice slew of other names as a kid. And just btw that’s streeKgeek with a K. I thought I would be finished with this announcement by now…December 5, 2013 7:57 pm at 7:57 pm #991858
And just btw that’s streeKgeek with a K. I thought I would be finished with this announcement by now…
well that sounded just a wee bit jerky. she hasn’t been here for a while.December 5, 2013 8:14 pm at 8:14 pm #991859
Lol Syag. Well then, I proudly award you as the first person(?) to call me a jerk.December 5, 2013 9:14 pm at 9:14 pm #991860
. . .I proudly award you as the first person(?)
SO I may not be a person, but at least I’m not a jerk 🙂December 5, 2013 9:45 pm at 9:45 pm #991861
but at least I’m not a jerk
Says who? And wow, I’m awfully glad this is taking place in the teasing thread, of all places…December 5, 2013 9:57 pm at 9:57 pm #991862
Well let me just clarify then – I was saying that you calling me a non person was better than you calling me a jerk. So there. It seems all this name calling falls squarely on your shoulders and I’m too shamed to sit here and take it so I’m gonna go hang out in a friendlier thread.December 5, 2013 10:08 pm at 10:08 pm #991863fkellyMember
Definitely affected me! One thing I was teased about (although it was a little harsher than teasing) caused me extreme anxiety because it wasn’t something within my control. And even now when I no longer have that issue I still have anxiety about it possibly returning. But other things I did I changed because of teasing in order to act more socially acceptable. But I wish I could’ve been made aware in a nicer way.December 6, 2013 12:27 am at 12:27 am #991864
Syag – OK then. Whatever. Love you too…December 6, 2013 1:24 am at 1:24 am #991865👑RebYidd23Participant
Children are good people who get evil as they grow up sometimes.December 6, 2013 3:12 pm at 3:12 pm #991866
fkelly – I’m just a bit confused. You’re anxious that it will return because of the teasing that will inevitably come along with it?December 6, 2013 5:38 pm at 5:38 pm #991867fkellyMember
I had an issue that was very embarrassing and I was teased about it a lot. I no longer have that issue. But I still have anxiety that it might possibly return. Not that the teasing might return, but what I was teased about might.December 6, 2013 5:47 pm at 5:47 pm #991868
That’s so tough to live with 🙁 I hope whatever it is stays far far away!!!December 6, 2013 5:50 pm at 5:50 pm #991869
BTW I did not start this thread to be nosy. It was actually cuz I was playing a game with a friends on Chanuka, anyone ever hear of Loaded Questions? Get it for your next party – it’s awesome. Anyways one of the questions was to say one thing that you were teased about as a kid. Surprisingly, everyone felt so uncomfortable with it and I was wondering why. I know for myself that what I was teased about made me in to who I am today both for better and for worse. I was just wondering why people are so closed about it…December 6, 2013 7:02 pm at 7:02 pm #991870SaysMeMember
i agree with both the sides presented here abt how it can damage or can encourage change. I think a big differentiation is between shaming, labeling and teasing. They arent neccesarily the same thing, and teasing is often not meant in a painful way, like for a sibling to tease a 2 yo sibling for mispronouncing a word. Even that kind can be damaging but doesnt have to be.
Yes, i’ve been affected by teasing. One biggie- after being told in kindergarten that a particular answer i gave not just was wrong, but made absolutely no sense, and got laughed at by the teacher, i stopped making guesses for answers in class. After being laughed down in third grade in the first week of school, i stopped raising my hand in class. Unless i was completely lost or 100% sure of an answer, i never asked questions, offered answers, suggested insights. Turned out, both times i asked my parents when i got home, and had been correct, too.
In high school, i tried working on myself, but after being laughed at by the teacher for my answer on ‘what is the question on this pasuk’, i stopped again for good. From myself, i know lo habayshan lomed is true, but it wasnt enough to motivate me to speak up in class again, not through high school and not in sem.December 6, 2013 7:37 pm at 7:37 pm #991871
There are so many amazing people in the cr! Look at all they’ve been through and yet they are still frum and kind and wonderful. You are all an inspiration.December 7, 2013 3:47 pm at 3:47 pm #991872Shopping613 🌠Participant
Streekgeek, ya, I hate when people are so closed….esspecially teens.
Like hello, How do I make friends with 25 walls in my class????December 8, 2013 1:13 am at 1:13 am #991873
Saysme: Ouch! But thanks for sharing. My question is why that teacher was teaching kindergarten…
Shopping: How do I make friends with 25 walls in my class????
You don’t!! All my friends from high school besides for 1 are my “superficial friends”. I don’t talk to them about anything besides for clothing, makeup and dating… I B”H have other friends, friends who care about spiritual growth, and more real things.December 8, 2013 4:00 am at 4:00 am #991874
Really? I have spiritual friends… I wouldn’t survive skool w.o em!December 8, 2013 1:44 pm at 1:44 pm #991875
Oh… whoops. Just read this thread and realized my comment was outa place 🙁 Oh well…
I guess people are more closed in real life cuz you just don’t want bad info to haunt you when you’re in shidduchim…December 9, 2013 2:59 pm at 2:59 pm #991876
Syag Lchochma and Streekgeek: I apologize for making such a lame statement. It was a poor excuse for a corny line. As rebyidd23 commented “children are good people who get evil as they grow up sometimes”. This is more accurate!
Streekgeek: I’m really sorry for not printing your ‘name’ correctly! I am usually pretty good about the spelling of a persons name so that they dont get offended.December 9, 2013 3:21 pm at 3:21 pm #991877
miritchka – ? I didn’t comment on your comment, I actually thought it was kinda funny.December 9, 2013 3:58 pm at 3:58 pm #991878
TAOM – B”H I have spiritual friends as well, just not from high school. I kind of wasn’t that spiritual (to say the least) during most of my school years.
miritchka- No need to apologize, what you said was true and I’m glad you got my name straight now 🙂December 9, 2013 4:42 pm at 4:42 pm #991879
Streekgeek: Thank you! Although i have to admit that when I read your post responding to my post, it seemed that you thought otherwise and may have been hurt in the process. Have a super day!December 9, 2013 5:10 pm at 5:10 pm #991880Shopping613 🌠Participant
Oh, streekgeek but you just talk grneral, right? My superficial friends wont talk to me about anything.
How was chanuka? -me
Good – girl
SOOOO….mine was fun…..what did you do -me
Oh….was it fun stuff?-me
girls walks away…..
sometimes thry dont even hear me, me and my real friends make jokes about it, weve tried everything, sometimes we clap or snap in their face and say “Um..hello? Im talking” so they look stupid ignoring us cuz we don’t buy the same sweater as the class queen and ooh and ahh at her new watch……
TAOM you sound like me and my friend, we wouldnt survive school without each other, no one speaks spirituality, are other friends do sometimes but they are more hyper and fun, and would rather tell secrets and stuff.
Me: I need both. I like both, so I have many different types of friends, I accept anyone in anyway and have friends from secular and modern to ultra charedi orthodox.December 9, 2013 5:26 pm at 5:26 pm #991881
Shopping: I wasn’t really talking in general. I love my superficial friends! They’re always there when I need to have fun and just let out and feel normal again. They have no idea what I’ve been through, though they have been in school with me so they sort of have a small idea. Sometimes I find it hard to relate to them and I get annoyed from how long they could talk about the same boring topics again and again and again…But that’s what I need sometimes. I don’t know what type of girls your class is made up of but it sounds like a bunch of people I would have a hard time talking to, and that’s saying a lot cuz I don’t usually have a problem with that. I’m glad you have someone though and you’re not in this alone!!!
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