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If you got married after age 30, did you have a dating list of *must* haves in mind when meeting your spouse for the first time?
If so, did your spouse meet your *must* have requirements?
Did *You* meet your spouses list of *must* haves, if he or she had a list?
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Backstory: Over Shabbos, I read some of that book on marrying Mr. Good Enough. It was so eye-opening. For one thing, it explained that marriage is about accepting the other person and not changing him or her.
The author went to a dating coach and goes over lessons that she has learned as an older single, with a child I think (I can go back to make sure; I skimmed chapters). She said that the dating scene changes as you get older and when someone is an older single, he or she can often benefit from changing the way he or she thinks and selects partners. And of course, take an inventory of the reasons why some potential partners were overlooked, because some may have had the right qualities after all.
She recommend getting rid of that dating list of *musts* because they get in the way of meeting people who might actually be a good fit.
The point was to focus on COMPATIBILITY. Some people focus too much on finding someone just like them.
Lessons and suggestions…
Ask yourself: Can you solve problems with this person?
Are your lives compatible? Personalities?
People sometimes look for someone like them, overlooking the fact that realistically they might clash. For example, two go-getters in the business world may not have time for each other, and may end up competing at home. Or having two people who are laid-back may also not work either. I guess here that takes into account lifestyles and personalities.
Finally, for women, she said that the bad boys may make great dates but they may not end up settling down in real life or be as fun as spouses. Some women need to pay more attention to guys who they may not generally think that they would date, because often those guys end up being great husbands.
I know that this is a whole bunch of generalizing. Just wondering primarily about this *must* list.
I feel like this is a Hillel Shammai machlokes of dating advice.
One camp says to throw out the list and be open in heart and mind to something different.
Another says to go into dating with a focus and have it all written down and use your head.
Maybe they both are right? Right?
What do you think?
Thank you!
Sounds like the author is recommending that older singles need to compromise/settle their must-have list.
There are some musts that really are musts. When I was dating, I was advised to think about the 3 things I could absolutely not compromise on- notice, only 3. It was a bit of a challenge to do that- but it really clarified what I was looking for/needed. There were lots of other things on the list that did not make the top 3. Those were the icing on the cake- great if he had them, not a deal-breaker if he did not.
So to some degree, the list should be tossed, or at least not considered binding. But you do need to know who you are and who you are looking to marry, or else you can spend years dating just anyone and not getting any closer to actually marrying someone. In other words, you need to have certain musts, but be open-minded about how those musts are packaged. And realize that just like people change, the list of musts can change too.Everybody has a few (2-5) REAL *musts* that make it or break it but you have to get rid of all the nonsensical *musts* that people have when they start out. I know a guy that started out with a paper full of *musts* and now he’s just looking for a normal girl…
bmyer, I agree. You cannot have such a long list otherwise you will not get anywhere.
How is it even reasonable to expect people to know what they want? The only way to really know what it’s like to be married to a person (or type of person) is to marry them.
So what exactly are you suggesting? That everyone just marry anyone?
“I know a guy that started out with a paper full of *musts* and now he’s just looking for a normal girl… ”
I actually know a few girls who fit that description… I wonder why he hasn’t found one yet…
I think that anyone who is dating (and especially someone who has been dating for a while) must figure out what qualities are essential for them. I do not like all these articles and books that give a set number of things you are “allowed” to look for. You can use it as a guideline, but that’s it. There is no set number, and this does not depend on your age.
Telling someone what they are allowed to look for, and telling them that this depends on their age is ridiculous. You should never be willing to settle and you should never be looking for something unnecessary no matter how old you are. You just have to figure out what things are essential for YOU. There may be only one thing, and there may be 10.
I know an older single who heard that you should only have one quality on your list. She decided that all that mattered was that he had a good heart. So she married someone whose only noticeable positive quality was that he had a good heart (which he really did). That worked for her and they were very happy.
But it wouldn’t work for everyone.
So you really have to know yourself.
Lilmod, maybe they didnt want them?
“How is it even reasonable to expect people to know what they want?”
Not an easy task at all. That’s why it’s a good idea for singles to have married advisors- whether parent, teacher/rebbe, dating coach, etc who can help them figure these things outs.
After they consult the CR of course 😉
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