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I have been “taking the high road” in a certain situation for more than a decade, and these are my discoveries:
1. When one person takes the high road, and everyone else takes the low road, there is zero damage control.
2. The people taking the low road, incredibly, sleep better. They fear no one, not even G-d.
3. Rumors that have a specific purpose LIVE ON, YEARS AFTER THE ORIGINAL INTENT HAS SUBSIDED. Thus, the Rumor Generator feels neither guilt nor responsibility, when the victim “inexplicably” loses potential apartments and jobs-in the same exact manner each time- again and again. After all, it is no longer the R.G. himself doing the talking.
4. Each person receives the exact apartment and job THAT IS BEST FOR HIM/HER, WHICH HASHEM DECIDES, IRRELEVANT OF RUMORS. Still, the confusion and disappointments which precede the final option, due to people “suddenly” changing their minds….what forgiveness is there for that??
5. What about getting hired, and subsequently being suffocated by a total lack of trust “because we heard things…” Or, moving to a place that is exactly what your family needs, but accepting a rental that is not your first choice because the frum brokers mysteriously “have nothing to show” you?
If you are a rumor generator, gossip monger, or one of THE PHONE CALL PEOPLE (“we got calls…),this is for you: I tried to forgive y’all today in shul but I simply cannot, on any level. Every time I think all this evil has finally become part of the past, some mystery phone calls resurface. No one wants to disclose exactly who called them, or any of what was said. I cannot defend myself against an invisible enemy! It affects so many areas of my life, and except for close friends, who KNOW this is real, people like to say dumb things like, ” Hey, get over it. Don’t mess this up, no one is saying anything, you are paranoid”. Most of the time, we are told directly that phone calls were received. How is that paranoid??
If people are illegally discriminating against you, sue them.
That sounds so painful, babbler.
I could tell you all the stories about the power of mechilla & etc…
But I know from my own life’s experience that it’s really a hard parsha- for reasons you posted above, and others as well.
While my circumstances are very different from yours, I’ve struggled with this myself.
I didn’t pipe up here to offer you any brilliant advice.
Just to say- I hope things get better for you and that the coming year is filled with Shefa Brachos for you and your family!
Thebabbler – I struggled with this issue for years- the issue of not being able to be moichel people. I finally asked a Rav about it and found out that I do not have a chiyuv to be moichel people who have not asked me mechila. We actually say that in the Tefilas Zaka on the night of Yom Kippur.
It is a big maaleh to be able to do so, and kol hakavod to those who can do it. But I realized that if I am not holding by it and it is not a chiyuv to do so, I should not feel bad about it. I think that it is very important to accept your feelings. Even if you eventually are able to reach the level of being able to forgive people, you can only get to that point if you first accept your feelings and forgive yourself for feeling angry at people who hurt you.
I feel that right now I shouldn’t be working on forgiving people; I should be working on acknowledging my feelings.
I read a library book recently on this topic that I really liked. It was a “not-Jewish” book from the public library, but it happened to be written by someone Jewish (I think traditional but not Frum). I personally felt that her approach to forgiveness might be more in line with a Torah derech than a lot of the speeches people give about how you just have to be mevater and give in etc. I think that people have to be realistic and accepting of themselves first, and should not feel guilty for not being able to do something which is “lifnim meshuras hadin”.
Someone who hurt you has a chiyuv to ask mechila, and you have no obligation to forgive him until he does. If you are able to do so that is wonderful, but if you can’t, don’t feel badly about it.
I personally do believe that if someone hurt you and you are waiting for them to ask mechila, you should let them know about it so they can have the opportunity to ask mechila. If they don’t realize you are waiting for an apology, then it might not be fair to not be moichel them.
As you wrote in another thread – “yes they are messengers from Hashem, but that does not make them loveable”.
I try to remind myself that it is their problem, not mine, and try not to think about it. Of course, it isn’t easy since I am very into the concept of “kol Yisrael areivim..” and it isn’t easy for me not to feel bad for them. But once I realized that it is the right thing to do (imho), it was much easier. I can’t solve all the world’s problems – I can only do my best.
Also, during “hashiveinu” in Shemona Esrei, I say a Tefila for specific people I know to be chozer b’teshuva. I include all the people I am mad at and haven’t forgiven. I also include Yair Lapid and Bibi Netanyahu. I include all my not-Frum or OTD relatives and acquaintances. I include a lot of people who would probably be very insulted if they knew about it, but I make sure to put my name first so it doesn’t sound too gaavadik.
What do you mean – what is your problem?
Every person is sent down to this world with a mission and a life full of tests to pass and each test passed brings you to a harder test to pass with unlimited reward and bringing you closer to Hashem until you pass the hardest nisayon and are ready for the priceless reward of leaving this temporary physical world and heading to the true world and being in the presence of Hashem.
May Hashem be at your side as you go through this difficult test and other tests and always answer your tefillos when you call out to him
“mashgiach, why “agent”?”
I guess because it’s “Mashiach Agent”, not Mashgiach, so if he left out the “Agent”, it would just say “Mashiach”! And if he thinks he’s Mashiach, I think the moderators would block him!
“it’s harder to forgive, but like you said, THAT IS NOT THE AVODAH , living as joyfully as possible IS THE AVODAH…., the Torah does not require super-human behaviour. If you can do it, great.”
Shkoyach! Hatzlacha! Living as joyfully as possibly is certainly a hard enough Avoda… You sound like a wonderful person who has managed to deal with a lot and still maintain her Emuna and Bitachon. Hashem should give you the strength to continue to do so ad meah v’esrim plus (why should you be limited to 120 years?)!
that’s crazy!!! And annoying!!
“Its the worst feeling to be trying to live a simple life not bothering anyone and hear that ridiculous gossip never dies.It was said in the context of trying to make me lose a job, otherwise I would just laugh at it.”
That’s tough.
“kaporas avonos:)”
Great attitude! You never cease to impress me!
“thanks lilmod, its sink or swim as you know:)”
yeah and I’ve drowned many times. I don’t do well in “sink or swim” situations.
Eclipse: at our table we do not and hopefully never will allow talking about others. We discuss Gedolim, we admire them, their deeds, how to learn from them etc, but we’re careful not to discuss others in a way that borders on Lashon Harah. I truly thank my family, each and every member, for keeping it B”H that way.
I know. It’s horrible. There are people I once used to look up to. They lost so much of my respect because of their free attitude towards lason hara. A seuda is a time for a family to come together as a unit and partake of ?? ?????? ??? ???? ?, a time to elevate, to discuss ideas and ideals, sing and praise HaShem. Shouldn’t be wasted with ruining others… A shame…
Don’t you or anyone else get me wrong, I’m no tzaddik by far, by anyone’s imagination, oy, if you’d only know. It’s just that the Chofetz Chaim’s sefarim had a special pull on me when I was young… Some of it lingers on..
“I’m no tzaddik by far, by anyone’s imagination”
You certainly have always sounded like it to me! Being careful about Shmiras HaLoshon as well as saying encouraging things to others are the qualities that render someone a tzaddik in my book.
I’m afraid you know my past screen names. I think I’ve had less complaints with this one.
Besides a frog’s shira is: ?? ???? ?????? ????? ???
Isn’t that beautiful?
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