November 10, 2011 9:28 pm at 9:28 pm #600459cleverjewishpunMember
I dont know if anyone remembers my post “Cognative dissonance
Fast foward to present time and I’ve made my peace with who I am and what I want my relationship with Hashem to be going forward.
Now I’m wondering about the next step in my life and that would be finding a wife.
Anyone have a girl in mind who would be interested in a guy with a journey like mine?November 10, 2011 10:44 pm at 10:44 pm #826000bptParticipant
What I remember most about your post, is that I had no idea what “cognative dissonance” meant, and just clicked on the link to see what it was (and am glad I did).
Equally as glad to hear that you’ve found a place that you feel at home (both here in the CR and in your personal life).
As for your personal journey, its a part of who you are, not a liability to “deal with”. If anything, it makes you a better person, and one more suitable to handle the complexities and struggles that a meaningfull realtionship will incur.
How to choose a wife? Boy, if only I knew the secret to that.
With not much else to base my answer on, do what I did: date someone, and if you lose track of time, then you know you’re on to something.
From there, you’re on your own.
And again, welcome back!November 14, 2011 1:21 am at 1:21 am #826001cleverjewishpunMember
BumpNovember 14, 2011 3:24 am at 3:24 am #826002MindOverChatterParticipant
Welcome back (to the CR and Yiddishkeit).
Firstly, I give you credit for getting back on track and returning to your roots. I’m sure your journey had numerous bumps, twists and turns and forks in the road. The fact that you’re looking to build a Jewish home proves that you feel ready for commitment and responsibility. *Slap on your back*.
Now, I’ll tell you what I think. I may be wrong in my opinion, as I’m not a proffessional, but you did ask for it.:)Also, keep in mind that I in no way mean to offend you or make you feel bad, rather give you advice.
Before you even start dating give a hard look on yourself. Ask yourself the following:
A- Am I truly over and done with my “past”?
B- Will I ever feel restricted by the life I now choose, and thus return to my old ways?
C- Am I willing to do EVERYTHING in my power to make my marriage work?
D- Will I set a good example to my kids?
If you truly feel ready to move on, then do so. Call up a shadchan, tell your friends your looking for a good wife – in short; do hishtadlus.
Also, if you’ll date a girl who had a past similar to yours, make certain it will remain a “past”, and that it wasn’t too shady for you.
Again, I apologize if I’ve been too blunt.
B’hatzlacha. I’ll bezras Hashem daven for you.November 14, 2011 4:40 pm at 4:40 pm #826003BTGuyParticipant
Hi cleverjewishpun. You sound like an awesome, awesome person who has a great deal of emotion and intelligence.
Towards the end of reading your link, through misty eyes, I was encouraged to read that when you were asked by someone if you want to be frum again and you said, “”I want to one day want to be frum”. And I believe that you will. And I pray that you will.
You are a victim of a circumstance that are totally understandable. I had a similar situation, and questioned all the things I was doing religiously, as they only reminded me of when I was sharing those things with someone, and now we, too, are not together. It only brought pain; at times, unbearable. Look, we are capable of deep feelings. That is how we are made. Our deep feelings should be for joy, but that is not always the case.
I dont remember the lesson it was ascribed to, but a wonderful rebbe I was learning with taught the thought, “Hashem created us so that in time, we dont feel sadness/pain with the same level of intensity.” I held on to that thought during a time like what you spoke about, and eventually it affected my emotions, thank heaven. Sometimes we have to soldier on to get to the next place in our lives. By the way, it seems like you are doing that already by the very nature of your post, here.
You want to be frum one day. You said it and I believe it came from the bottom of who you really are. Dont let that, albeit meaningful, but painful situation take up the entire space of the precious life you were given. It may seem hard at first, but it takes work to stay in pain as much as it does to put effort into rebuilding. Choose life! (and you are)
Hatzlacha, my friend! The world needs someone like you!!
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