The place of Shadows

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  • #612770
    sm29
    Participant

    I;m working on a story here it is in progress

    Aryeh was at a store buying a few things to refill his refrigerator at his apartment. He sometimes goes out to eat. But he felt that he should have some food in the apartment. He is not bad at cooking since he lives by himself and had some practice. It’s sometimes difficult coming home to an empty apartment. Then again, there are people older and waiting longer. He’s only 29. People might wonder what’s taking so long. They don’t know his story and he prefers it that way.

    He gets home and makes something to eat. The phone rings and he answers, “Natan, what’s up?”

    “That’s okay, come when you can.” Aryeh tells him. He eats dinner and then looks at his email. Nothing new. He grabs his things and leaves.

    Aryeh goes to his usual seat in the Beis Midrash. While waiting for his friend, he gets a message from someone, and he replies. Then he puts it away.

    Natan arrives and he sits next to him “Sorry, something came up.”

    “No, problem.” Aryeh responds. He was pretty patient and had his experiences with situations coming up.

    “Did you finish that article you were working on?” Natan asked.

    “Yeah, I sent it in today.” Aryeh is a journalist and is always looking for a good story. He just finished one

    and is looking for another story to work on. They open their sefarim and start learning.


    Rina walks into the rehabilitation center that she works at. She just has three patients on her schedule today.

    she enjoys being an occupational therapist. The hours are flexible and she sees her patients progress everyday.

    There are certain times when it’s challenging, especially if the patient is in pain and doesn’t feel they can do it.

    She acknowledges how they feel and tries to give them some encouragement.

    Her friend Devorah also works there. They are like a team. Rina actually appreciates that, since Devorah is no longer single like her, she probably wouldn’t be with her as much if it wasn’t for work. Then again, they do still talk on the phone a little, and once in awhile go out.

    “Excellent Mrs. Silver. You are doing great.” Rina says to her patient. The lady looks worn out and is sitting slouched.

    “Okay, you can rest now.” Rina heads out to the hallway and writes some notes in her folder.

    Then she go meets Devorah in the cafeteria. Sits down and takes out her lunch from home.

    “I got something interesting in the mail yesterday.” Devorah said.

    “What is it?”

    “And invitation to meet up with former classmates from high school.”

    Rina thought back to that moment. It was like long ago and yesterday in one. She and Devorah were 27 now.

    “What you think? Do you want to go?” Devorah asked her.

    “Sure. It will interesting to see what every one’s up to.”

    Aryeh decided to go home and see his parents. He sometimes goes on Sunday. They live in the next town close to his. He gets into

    his car and goes on his way. It would be nice if he could go for Shabbos but his parents aren’t religious. He became a baal teshuva at 20.

    They sometimes come to him for Shabbos though, and the three of them eat at a neighbor he knows in the community. But sometimes, they

    want to stay home. He invites his brother and sister too who are in college,

    but they usually are doing their own thing. Although, they do once in a while drop by his place on Shabbos afternoon to hang out and chat.

    He was almost at the house. While in traffic, he looked out and saw his old high school building. It was a boarding school.

    It has been vacant since he graduated. He decided to check it out and see how it looked now. He drove up to it and got out.

    It was a tall building, and very old. He tried the door nob. To his surprise, it was open. The place was dark and empty. It

    had an eerie feeling to it. He looked around and was amazed that he use to go to school here. Someone else might want to leave, but he wasn’t the type to run. He moved forward, and then saw something strange from one of the rooms. He goes into the room and there is something there.

    It’s like something you would read in Medrash. He’s heard of Sheidim before, but he didn’t think he would encounter one.

    He goes back to his car and back on his way to his family. He decides to keep it a secret. He doesn’t need people thinking he’s nuts. However, there is one person he can tell. Natan.

    #1024876
    👑RebYidd23
    Participant

    Now anyone can steal it.

    #1024877
    sm29
    Participant

    good point, I probably shouldn’t put the whole thing, just a taste.

    #1024878
    squeak
    Participant

    “It’s like something you would read in Medrash.”

    ROTFLMKO(AY)

    #1024880
    sm29
    Participant

    I mean Midrash, glad you like the phrase 🙂

    #1024881
    YW Moderator-42
    Moderator

    Then the ghost sets them up and they live happily ever after until one day, 19 years later, Aryeh is swimming in the lake and is eaten by a giant squid. The End.

    #1024882

    Epiepiepiepilog:

    Until someone else decides to add to the story or make a sequel.

    #1024883
    sm29
    Participant

    lol i do have Rina and Aryeh together

    Anyone want to put something. maybe along the lines of his secret past

    #1024884
    Shopping613 🌠
    Participant

    Very nice, but the characters shouldn’t be introduced so early in the story, especially all in one paragraph, you need to give hints, and not say everything so quickly…

    #1024885
    sm29
    Participant

    thanks for the tip, how do it do that? 🙂

    #1024886
    sm29
    Participant

    okay, i figured a way to make it slower, thanks for the help

    #1024887
    the-art-of-moi
    Participant

    sm29, your story was very unique.

    There are a few things that would make the story even better than it is right now.

    1. As Shopping said, don’t introduce the characters so quickly.

    2. DON’T tell your readers everything about the characters! That insults their intelligence. For example, “He was pretty patient and had his experiences with situations coming up.” That line should be removed! It is the readers job to figure out Aryeh’s personality.

    3. Your sentences are very abrupt. There are even a few sentence fragments throughout the story! For example, ” But he felt that he should have some food in the apartment.” That does not express a complete thought.

    4. Some details are irrelevant to the story, and should not be included. For example, “While waiting for his friend, he gets a message from someone, and he replies. Then he puts it away.” I understand if you want to put in something about his phone, but none of your readers need to be told that he put it away after using it!

    I love the way you tried to avoid using things like “she said/ asked/ wondered. There is just about the right amount of those in your story. I hate it when writers only use stuff like that when quoting a character!!!!!

    I hope I wasn’t too critical. I really like your story, and if you fix a few minor issues it has really great potential.

    #1024888
    oomis
    Participant

    OY, I feel like I am in an issue of Binah Magazine. (I HATE SERIALIZED STORIES)!

    #1024889
    👑RebYidd23
    Participant

    The abrupt sentences aren’t an issue. It’s far better than flowery fillers.

    #1024890

    #nice!

    #1024891
    sm29
    Participant

    Rebyidd, that’s how i feel. When i read a story, I sometimes skim over the flowery fillers. I want to read what happens.

    TAOM, what i meant with the phone was not about the phone but about what he was doing while waiting for his friend. oh i see, you mean don’t say he put it away, got it.

    Thanks everyone for the tips

    #1024892
    ☕ DaasYochid ☕
    Participant

    don’t introduce the characters so quickly.

    The squid wasn’t introduced until right before the end.

    #1024893
    YW Moderator-42
    Moderator

    Sequel: And G-d spoke to the squid, and he spit Aryeh up onto dry land. Then he went to Ninveh where he was eaten by a 120 year old Bookworm.

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