I think I spoke Lashon Hara!

Ask the person you spoke l”h about for mechila.

LB – what was the reason that you wrote the stuff that you wrote?

Did you say the person’s name/s that it was about?

LB – if the point was that you felt you needed to discuss it with someone because it was “all bottled in”, it was 100% mutar! Not only that, but it was probably an obligation! Hashem wants us to be emotionally healthy. You are allowed to talk about something if it’s for the purpose of your emotional health – to make you feel better about it.

It is best if you can find the right person to talk to – someone who will understand and help you to deal with it. It sounds like that is exactly what you did!

I think I once told you about a pamphlet called something like, “How to get deeper into Torah without going off the deep end”. I believe it talks about this issue here – it gives a basic guideline for knowing when it’s forbidden and when it’s permitted to speak l”h.

One of my teachers once pointed out that sometimes people are too careful about L”H and don’t speak when they should.
When you are trying to figure out if something is L”H or not, I think the two things to think about are: 1. What is your purpose in saying what you are saying? 2. What will the results be?

Bottom Line: no teshuva needed here.

Ready now, while it is not technically prohibited to say LH about a non-Jew the Chafetz Chaim says that it is better not to get in the habit. Tanna d’bei Eliahu says that one who wrongs gentiles will come to wrong Jews. The Be’er HaGolah in Hichot Geneiva says that someone who takes advantage of halachic technicalities in his dealings with gentiles will be punished by Hashem.According to . Rav YY Weinberg, Rav SR Hirsch, , Tiferet Yisroel to Baba Kamma Chapter 4, Meiri in many places, Rema Responsa 10 and Chatam Sofer Collected Responsa 90) these laws no longer apply in today’s moral western societies where all property is protected by law. In addition, if it is discovered it is a chillul Hashem.

That may be true but LB wanted to know if she spoke LH and needs to do teshuva.

I hear your question, and I have an answer, but I’m not sure I can give it in a public forum. Sorry!

Suffice it to say, I would never have written that unless I thought it HAD to be said. Let’s just say that it was a combination of this: “In all honesty though, it was a lot of stuff that I bottled in and wanted to share it with someone who would understand and maybe hopefully make sense of it because this person is close to said rabbonim and I really respect them.” and what I already know about LB.
והמבין יבין

29 – That is a very good point. Thank you! And thank you for caring enough about the issue to respond.
As I was writing my post, I realized (and was even hoping) that someone would make a similar point that basically means the same thing (although I hadn’t thought of it in those precise terms).

That is the fact that even if I knew LB in person, of course one nevers 100% for sure that his response is the correct response. This is the case whenever a person chooses to speak or not speak, to act or not to act. And yet we have an obligation to speak or to act many times a day, without ever knowing 100% what the correct course of action is.

With the knowledge that one has, he has to weigh both sides (what the likely consequences are for acting/speaking vs. the likely consequences for not doing so), and decide which way the potential damage is greatest and act accordingly.

In this case, I felt the potential danger in not adding those words was both the more likely and the greater danger.

I wasn’t talking about adding those words, it was about “issuing a psak”, telling her ,”it was 100% mutar” or that “no tshuva is needed”. This type of assurance needs to be done in person by someone who is given all the facts to the situation. Even on a hotline it is real people having a real time conversation (and my understanding is that it is Rabbi’s authorized to pasken).
An appropriate response would have been that you are of the opinion that…but that she needs to check with her rabbi or a posek.

I believe I already responded to everything you wrote, but I will clarify some points that may not be clear.

You are wrong – this is the type of “psak” that everyone has to make all the time.

First of all, in general, anyone who knows the halacha can and should tell others what the halacha is if asked or if there is a situation that necessitates it. I teach halacha and write halacha sefarim and I answer people’s halacha questions (if I know the answer. Granted, there aren’t that many topics or that many questions I am qualified to answer, and I don’t pretend that there are. But I know when I am qualified to do so and when I am not and when it would be better to answer my question myself and when it would be better to refer the person elsewhere).

Second of all, even the most unlearned people have to “posken” on some level all the time. We posken every second of our lives. Every decision we make every second is a halachic decision and we have to posken for ourselves much of the time. We have to know when we can posken for ourselves and when we have to ask someone else.

We also have to posken for others all the time. I think you mentioned once that you have kids. I sincerely hope that you issue these types of “psakim” for your kids on a regular basis. If not, you should start going to chinuch classes or speak to a Rav about it.

Additinally, it is important to keep in mind that while halacha covers every aspect of our lives and each decision we make, there are many different types of halachos that call for different types of “knowledge” and “aitza”. Anyone who is in a position of giving advice or guiding others (which is everyone, but especially parents, teachers, therapists, and anyone who is in a similar position whether formally or informally) is poskening for the person when they give advice. As I wrote, every decision a person makes has to be made based on halacha, so every piece of advice you give someone has to based on halacha, since halacha covers every single thing that a person says, thinks, or does.

Some “piskei halacha” must be based more on those things that people think of as halacha and some times they are based more on factors such as psychology (Torah psychology not Freudian psychology). Although as I said everything is included under the umbrella of halacha on some level.

My response to LB was based on a combination of my knowledge of hilchos LH and my knowledge of Torah psychology (as learned from the Torah, my rebbeim, life experience and hilchos LH themselves). “Poskening” hilchos L”H usually involves a certain knowledge of (Torah) psychology.

I did not tell her to ask a sheilah for a combination of several reasons. I would have preferred not to go into them, but I suppose it is necessary in order to clear up any misconceptions. First of all , I felt very strongly that I knew the answer. Additionally, I did not know who she would ask and I do not have reason to believe that she would ask someone who knows better than me. The fact that someone holds the title Rabbi does not necessarily mean that he would know the answer to this question better than me. As one of my friend’s husband says “you only ask a question if you don’t know the answer.”

Regarding hotlines, I (and others I know) have had experiences in which we were given the wrong answer. In some cases, this was because the Rav answering the question knew less about the particular halachos than I did (and admitted that fact when I referred him to the appropriate source), and in some cases it was because he did not understand the situation despite my attempts to clarify (and yes, in the cases I am referring to, we asked another Rav who confirmed that the first Rav was wrong).

Some of the problems with hotlines are: 1. The Rabbanim are not always super-knowledgeable or super-capable of issuing piskei halacha. 2. It is often very difficult or impossible to give over all the pertinent details. This is particularly true when dealing with a question that involves more psychological insight and less technical knowledge of the Shulchan Aruch per se’. In some cases, it actually can be easier to give over the needed information in writing (like here) to a “friend”.

I would like to qualify the above by saying that I have had some wonderful experiences with hotlines (usually with Shmiras Haloshon ones), but I have also had some very bad ones. I had no way of knowing whom LB would turn to or what her experience would be like. Since I did feel that I knew the answer, it was better for me to give it to her than to tell her to go elsewhere without having any way to know that.

The most important reason why I wrote what I wrote is something else though. Based on my knowledge of psychology (attained through a lot of life experience as well as Torah and knowledge of hilchos LH), I felt that it was crucial for LB to know that there is no question that she did the right thing and she should know that she should not hesitate to do so again.

I had a Rav once who quoted a certain Gadol as saying that sometimes people are too careful about hilchos LH and do not speak when they should. This was a case in which LB was supposed to speak based what she wrote. The possible damage when not speaking can be greater in some cases. The possible damage in thinking that she can never speak without calling a Rav first is also greater.

We can not and should not feel like we have to ask a sheilah each time we open our mouths or take a step. We can not and should not feel like we have to ask a sheilah to verify if we have to do teshuva for each word we spoke or each step we took. This is something that I know and have learned from my Rebbeim (and it should be self-evident in any case). When a person is emotionally upset about something, he has an obligation to discuss it with someone if it will make him feel better or if the person can help him understand the person being spoken about better. When a person does so, it is not healthy for him to second-guess himself each time and be concerned that he was oiver on hilchos L”H.

From what I know about LB, it would not have been psychologically unhealthy for her to feel that she has to ask a sheilah each time she speaks to find out if she needs to teshuva. My words to her were based more on psychology than technical halacha. Perhaps some people would have started out the discussion by saying that it wasn’t a halachic “psak” but a psychological “psak”. I was hesitant to do so since everything is included in halacha and there is no such thing as a decision that is not based on halacha. Also, the psychological aspect involved is in fact covered by the halachos, and I felt it was important for LB to be aware of this.

LU, I agree with the moderator. What are your qualifications? Do you have Smicha? Where did you learn and for how long? On what basis do you deem yourself a posek?

“Maybe you can find someone else to explain it to you.”
These types of condescending remarks will be edited or deleted.
I don’t need help understanding your opinion, I am telling you you are mistaken.

I realized after I wrote the long post that I could have responded more simply as follows:

I don’t understand how you can possibly question what I wrote since you yourself have responded in similar ways with less reason for it. How about the fact that you wrote (or implied) that you didn’t think that LB should be askinig about bubble umbrellas? How can you posken that it’s definitely fine? Why didn’t you tell her that she must ask a sheilah? In that case, the issue was about something that is not mentioned one way or another in halacha, so how can you assume that it is mutter?

In this case, LB had not spoken loshon hora according to what she wrote. Why should she be made to feel that she has to ask a sheilah about every word she has ever said if there was no reason to think there was a problem?

Lilmod Ulelamaid, you said “rasha and non-Jew are not the same” but it could be in this case, and furthermore it could be a Jew, has v sholom. Its a mitzvah to warn another person if the rasha is a thief, that could defraud someone or who is in some other way a danger.

We don’t use the O word here. It’s associated with a movement that is against Yiddishkeit. We “uncover” our pickle jars.

Ladys publish books not SEFARIM!!!!

LB, people usually use/save the term sfarim for sifrei kodesh.

WTP – I also agree that there are bright female Torah educators but I have never heard those books referred to as sfarim (in the manner you refer to). Not even when I was in a class where we were learning it!

side point –
“There must be more- probably some under male pen names.”
does not sit right with me at all.

There must be more- probably some under male pen names.

The Midrash Says.

Wow, lots of cynicism here. Was I not supposed to express a differing opinion or life experiences? Gee guys, so sorry. Or is saying “guys” offensive too?

I have no idea what you are trying to say.