November 17, 2010 4:48 am at 4:48 am #593078
what do you do when you are so stressed and upset? like if you are at work and you get mad? or you are running out of patience waiting in traffic? any specific tips or helpful advice to help get calmed down?November 17, 2010 5:01 am at 5:01 am #710760chesednameParticipant
read the posts here, they are very relaxing, friendly, uplifting, and nothing beats it!
how can you be upset or stressed after that??November 17, 2010 5:09 am at 5:09 am #710761
I know this is the not the best solution, but here is what I do:
1. I remove myself from the situation if possible. I go away from all people so that I could sort out my racing thoughts. When I feel like I can be trusted not to say anything stupid, I allow myself to rejoin civilization. (this is not always a short process)
2. If I can’t leave the situation, I clam up and don’t say a word. this is how my friends know when I am upset- I just don’t talk- period.
3. I’ve tried this a few times, and it worked for me: if I am really mad at someone, I take my emotions to the opposite extreme and I try to be extra sickly sweet to them. I don’t know why this works, but it does, and its very satisfying, for some unknown reason.November 17, 2010 5:12 am at 5:12 am #710762
Yes, think that Hashem is testing you to see how you will react. If you realize its a test and you will grow from the experience you will find it much easier to become calm. Every second you remain calm you are controlling your Middos and thats a big thing.November 17, 2010 5:22 am at 5:22 am #710763
WIY- nice thought, but not likely to work when your blood pressure is rising and your tasting blood in your mouth. Need something a little more practicalNovember 17, 2010 6:22 am at 6:22 am #710764
Its all a matter of how much you believe it. It works for me because I saw numerous times in seforim how someone who gets angry is like he is being Oveid Avodah Zara…Anger is a really destructive middah.
The Arizal says that before davening one must have in mind to fulfill the mitzva of loving every Jew. What is the connection asks Rav Shimshon Pincus Zt”l. He explains that if we believe that everything that happens to us, whether pleasant or otherwise, comes from Hashem than the people who deliver Hashem’s will are simply puppets. We therefore harbor no resentment against people who have wronged us.
If we want Hashem to answer our tefillos we need to acknowledge that he is the master of our fate and there is no better way to prove we believe that than to love everybody regardless of what they have or haven’t done to you.
From Revach.netNovember 17, 2010 7:19 am at 7:19 am #710765amichaiParticipant
at work, try to get out for half an hr. and just walk around the block. in traffic, you can listen to calming music. breathe deeply.November 17, 2010 1:44 pm at 1:44 pm #710766DovidMMember
If you believe that everything happens for a reason, then you will be able to step back a bit from the current situation. When I am in a stressful situation, I reflect on how the Avot all had their trials. Those who gave them grief were only instruments of Hashem’s will. While I certainly don’t put myself on the same level as the Avot, I know that Hashem wants to see what things I am capable of, and whether I have learned from past mistakes.
In stressful situations at work, I try to see if some of the stress may be due to my own faults. For example, could I be more flexible and rethink the way I do things? If someone is rude to me, is this payback for some lashon hara that I may have spoken outside the workplace or some less than generous thoughts about others that I kept to myself? I am not saying that you should automatically accept negative comments made by others. However, none of us are able at the end of a long day to take pride in everything we did and said. There are too many unworthy thoughts and missed opportunities.November 17, 2010 4:14 pm at 4:14 pm #710767
I totally agree with you in theory. Obviously Hashem is the One in charge over here, so I shouldn’t ever feel anger toward a person, who is only Hashem’s shaliach.
I don’t know about you, but this is something that I still have to actively work on. I guess my emunah is not properly integrated into my lifestyle yet… another item to add to my spiritual “To Do” listNovember 17, 2010 5:25 pm at 5:25 pm #710768
Im not saying I have perfected this. Far from it, but by constantly reviewing this concept any time anyone does anything to you that you dislike will make it become more real to you.November 17, 2010 6:30 pm at 6:30 pm #710769bptParticipant
Harm furry animals
Doodle troubling images on the report you’re about to submit
Write causic posts in the CR (ooops, can’t do that, unless I get a new screen name)November 17, 2010 7:48 pm at 7:48 pm #710770
Coffeefan, are you perchance referring to the CR itself? How to stop oneself from saying things they shouldn’t especially to other Yiddin online? Maybe the tips proposed can be used before nasty comments are written and posted. Maybe people can realize that they are responding to and addressing other Jews who may be older than they are, have various experience and even more knowledge than they do in different areas. And while calming down they can remember the general and specific halachas for derech eretz and kibud which are as important as any other.
Maybe its time to stay off the strong coffee because it brings on “reflux” and allows bile to come up into the mouth or rather transfer to the fingertips and all kinds of acidic remarks spew forth. Even attempts from various threads about “getting along, respect, derech eretz” and such had no effect in taming the results of this very strong brew. It just breeds sinas chinam, loshan horah and motzi shem rah. As with everything it starts off fun in the beginning and enjoyable as strong coffee and espresso tends to do, but eventually it isn’t funny anymore and it steps over the line from being helpful to being hurtful, and the purpose for getting together to have the coffee in the first place is forgotten and that was probably some form of achdus and helpfulness. When it is no longer helpful but harmful and hurtful and it starts to burn a hole in the heart or rip and tear at the fabric of achdus and ahavas yirsroel then the recipe needs changing or the mashgiach needs to be called in for a review of the ingredients. He might have to throw out the spices and additives that makes this coffee bitter and abrasive. He might even have to put up some glass and mirrors to see who will throw the first stone. He might even find a cup overflowing with Hashem’s tears because of the tzar that was caused him.
He might even teach people to speak in first person such as “in my home, we believe”, or “because our RAV said..”, or “Because it says in…..we do….” instead of insulting people and trying to outfrum the frum, claiming that others are not as frum or are not Jewish enough. He might even tell EVERYONE that we all follow the same TORAH and HASHEM is the only judge and HE will judge us all for ALL we do and ALL we say nuch 120. Yup that’s right ALL we do and say, not just what we want him to remember, every single insult we sling and every ounce of mud we throw. He might even teach those who are so sincere that if they truly want to get their message across and want to teach someone something they should take a step back and remember to make it palatable, something a person would want to think about and appreciate. And of course at the end of the day he would remind us that we each have our own RAV that we do trust and that when we are in doubt or we have a sheilah we should always go back and trust that he will find the proper answer for us.November 17, 2010 8:02 pm at 8:02 pm #710771cb1Member
what i do is i listen to soft music it usually helps me calm downNovember 17, 2010 8:52 pm at 8:52 pm #710772
Th problem is that people are sending comments to annonymous people they have never seen or met. I hope that people are a little more coteous in real life.November 17, 2010 9:03 pm at 9:03 pm #710773
Addicted, I hope so too, but that is no excuse for this very bad behavior. We are all Jews here and everyone knows that. That is even more important because you don’t know who is reading this, where they are holding, how old or young they are and what impression you are making on them. For that reason alone, everyone should be on their best behavior. What if kids see how mean spirited adults are towards each other, frum adults that is on a frum website? What about kids or people on the fence wanting to be frum but then turned off by this? Who would embrace yiddishkeit when they see this kind of out and out slander? If you saw it in the street you would do your best to break it up, or at least I would hope so.November 17, 2010 9:10 pm at 9:10 pm #710774
WIY- what a nice post i really enjoyed what you said and i take it to heart. thank you!!
aried- no i am talking about actual life not life in the CR (imagine a world thats not the CR????)
recently i have been having a lot of trouble at work and i am trying to stay calm in situations that really upset me! it’s really difficult!!!November 17, 2010 9:25 pm at 9:25 pm #710776WolfishMusingsParticipant
what do you do when you are so stressed and upset?
When I get stressed and upset, I simply swallow it and ignore it. At one time I used to get upset and slam doors, but I have since learned to stop doing that. Now, I just hold it all in until it dissipates.
The WolfNovember 17, 2010 9:31 pm at 9:31 pm #710777oomisParticipant
I think of my grandchildren and their chochmas, and it puts a smile back on my face every time.November 17, 2010 9:39 pm at 9:39 pm #710778AinOhdMilvadoParticipant
I generally repeat to myself my YWN user name (that’s why I chose it) over and over and over again…
Ain Ohd Milvado, Ain Ohd Milvado, Ain Ohd Milvado, —
and try to internalize and really think about what that means.
I find it helps remind me that however upset I may be at the moment,
– Hakol Le’tova.November 17, 2010 9:44 pm at 9:44 pm #710779
cofeefan, well in that case I will tell you a few coaching tips.
Take two deep breaths before responding to anyone, that will give you a chance to guard your tongue before your mouth runs away with your thoughts.
Understand that you can’t change people you can only change yourself, and you can’t control people, you can only control yourself. So if it is you that caused the drama, you ask yourself, “what could I have done differently to bring about a different outcome?” and then you walk yourself through the motions through to the conclusion. That will help you gain control of yourself and figure out the next step which will either be to apologize of make a correction. And of course to know how to handle it the next time.
If it was something someone else did, like traffic for instance, then the question would be “what can I do to control this situation, or what can I do to change this situation” As you think about this and realize that there is nothing you can do other than pull over at the next rest stop and wait it out, or leave earlier or later next time to avoid it, your next thought could be, if there is nothing I can do about it, what can I do with it?” So what can you do with the time that you are stuck in traffic? Call your wife? Listen to Torah Tape? Listen to music? Go over your speech for tomorrow?
If it is something that is related to work, then if “I can’t control the situation, then what can I do to change the situation?” and walk yourself through that scenario. Is there something that you could have done? Is there something that you should have done? If not realize again that you can’t control other people you can only control how you react and respond to other people. So now that you were handed this situation, what is the best way for YOU to handle it. THAT you can control, that is your choice.
The key is to try to understand where the stress is coming from and to understand whether or not YOU are in control of the situation. Either way, YOU are still in control of the choices you make regarding it. I hope that helps.November 17, 2010 10:18 pm at 10:18 pm #710780cherrybimParticipant
Take a pill.November 17, 2010 11:14 pm at 11:14 pm #710781seeallsidesParticipant
Tough thing to do –
Some tips –
-visualize the video camera up in the sky recording every movement, makes it easier to smile and calm down.
-find a mantra – (Ein Od Milvado, I can get through this, kol ma d’avid rachmana l’tav avid, it’s all good – a calming song, a jingle that makes you laugh)
-concentrate on something else that’s nonconfrontational – for example, try to concentrate on perfect penmanship, perfect diction, perfect posture – just something to make you focus on something else till your emotions cool.
Good luck – remember it is the trying that gets you credit not the success!November 17, 2010 11:15 pm at 11:15 pm #710782frumladygitMember
WIY I am still pretty new around here, but lately you’ve been posting one nice word after the other. true words of wisdom. I like what you said, the first long thing you wrote. But I have one problem with what you said as follows.
: “if we believe that everything that happens to us, whether pleasant or otherwise, comes from Hashem than the people who deliver Hashem’s will are simply puppets. We therefore harbor no resentment against people who have wronged us”.
This can sometimes lead me to feel angry at Hashem. After all, He IS the Master with the PLAN! And here I am suffering.
How does one over come this???? I did get publicly humiliated this past week in a retail store by a heimishe owner, unrightfully so, and i am still angry against him. I see/know/believe it was Hashem who wanted this to happen to me. Its hard to say “thanks abishter” even if I did remove a few aveiros through it.November 18, 2010 12:03 am at 12:03 am #710783dunnoMember
I drive. I sometimes go somewhere far (where I’ll have to take a highway), depending on how upset I am. Cleaning my room also calms me down.November 18, 2010 12:06 am at 12:06 am #710784
aries- wow thank you so much such nice words and so true!! i like the idea of “i can’t control others so i will control how i feel about things….” you are such a help!
seeall- amazing ideas and tips!!! i can see them working sooo well!! thank you!!November 18, 2010 1:35 am at 1:35 am #710785
The first pasuk of Parshas VaEira start “Vayidaber Elokim” and ends “VaYomer Hashem”. Rav Avrohom Pam brings from the Magid Meisharim, that Hashem was angry at Moshe for questioning his treatment of Bnei Yisroel in Mitzrayim and therefore used the harsh terminology of Vayidaber couple with Hashem’s name of Din, Elokim. However since Hashem knew that Moshe only did this out of great care for Klal Yisroel, He then quickly switched to the softer language of “Vayomer”, together with the Shem Hashem used for Rachamim.
And what was Hashem’s answer to Moshe? That He appeared to the Avos with name “Kel Shakai”. Rav Pam explains that the name Shakkai means enough. This was the name used after the world was created to stop it from further growth which would have gone on indefinitely until it self destructed. Shakkai is the name that signals things have reached where they need to get to and there is no need for more. Be it the oceans, the sun, or the planet. The further growth of any of these by even a fraction of millimeter would distort the equilibrium in the Bria and ruin it.
Similarly Hashem told Moshe, that while indeed things got worse in Mitzrayim after his audience with Paroh nevertheless the suffering needed to reach its boiling point before it ended, and it is was all part of the master plan to hasten the redemption.
We can’t fathom the workings of Hashem, says Rav Pam. Nevertheless out Emuna must be strong enough to know that everything we experience on a personal and national level is measured out exactly, and it is all for the good.
From Revach.netNovember 18, 2010 3:22 am at 3:22 am #710786ronrsrMember
scream…. real loud.November 18, 2010 3:29 am at 3:29 am #710787
frumladygit- WIY definitely has his head screwed on straight.
I hope you don’t mind if I answer your question as well:
The highest level of emunah is to believe that everything that Hashem does is for the best. This is an extremely high level to reach! Halevai we should all just come to the realization that everything that happens to us comes from Hashem! I think that this is something that we all know theoretically, but it’s easier to talk about it in a theoretical sense than to integrate it into our daily lives.
Whatever Hashem does is for our ultimate good- we may not see it now, or ever, but emunah is to know that even though I can’t see it now, Hashem has a master plan for me.
Emunah does not mean to believe that Hashem will do what I think is good, or what I think I need.
EX: I want to get married, but obviously Hashem has other plans for me. Emunah means that I know that this is the stage that Hashem wants me to be in right now, and its for my good, not that I believe that Hashem will send me my bashert now because I want it now.
Much easier said than done- believe me!November 18, 2010 4:02 am at 4:02 am #710788
i didnt mean for this thread to become a whole dvar torah sight on emuna. i am just looking for practical suggestions, ideas and tips on how to stay calmin stressful situations…. any ideas?November 18, 2010 4:24 am at 4:24 am #710789
just wondering…are you the type of guy who gives his date 5 divrei torah?November 18, 2010 4:33 am at 4:33 am #710790
“i didnt mean for this thread to become a whole dvar torah sight on emuna. i am just looking for practical suggestions, ideas and tips on how to stay calmin stressful situations…. any ideas?”
Funny, 4 hours ago you said
“aries- wow thank you so much such nice words and so true!! i like the idea of “i can’t control others so i will control how i feel about things….” you are such a help!
seeall- amazing ideas and tips!!! i can see them working sooo well!! thank you!!November 18, 2010 4:48 am at 4:48 am #710791
The truth is, it sounds like you may be a high stress person and tend to stress yourself out. Maybe the idea is for you to work on becoming more patient. I believe Rabbi Zelig Pliskin has a book on Patience that may be worth reading. His books are all good. Or listen to shiurim on the topic.
Theres also a book by a non Jewish author Richard Carlson called
Don’t Sweat the Small Stuff–and it’s all small stuff. Supposed to be an amazing book.
But the bottom line is that when you start getting stressed, think about it and ask yourself, is it worth it? Is this so important that I need to get all bent out of shape over it? Will I let the traffic, or my co worker or whatever it is control me? No! I control me, Im cool and in control. Talk it out if you are in private and have that luxury. Realize its a momentary and insignificant annoyance (in most cases) that will soon pass. Find something else to think about. Distract yourself.
In reality most things we fret about or get stressed about are insignificant and minor issues. Traffic, long lines at the grocery…Be positive and grateful and happy that you have a car to drive, that you can afford a car, that it works and doesnt break down every day. That it isnt overly noisy and isnt a piece of junk. That its nice…theres always positive things you can focus on.
By the way if you often find yourself stuck in traffic make sure you have either a nice variety of music that you like, to listen to or find interesting shiurim, or lectures on various things that you can use to entertain you. The car ride can be an experience of Torah growth if you listen to a Torah shiur, and at the same time, if you control yourself from getting angry and stressed you are working on your character traits and improving your middos. Your commute becomes an exercise in building the middah of patience and self control under stressful conditions.November 18, 2010 4:48 am at 4:48 am #710792
“just wondering…are you the type of guy who gives his date 5 divrei torah?”
Why is 5 enough or too much?November 18, 2010 4:52 am at 4:52 am #710793yankdownunderMember
cofeefan- perhaps you are drinking too many cups of cofee which can cause stress because of the cafeine. Perhaps drinking less and substituting Green Tea or a calming combination such as St. Johns Wort and Valarian Root. Chamomile,Lemon Grass, Lemon Balm and many other plants have a calming affect. Visiting someone who does not receive many visitors is a nice thing to do. Saying Tehilim is also a nice thing to do to help calm down. Garden Of Emunah is a good read, when feeling stressed. Cofeefan good luck.November 18, 2010 9:00 am at 9:00 am #710794HaLeiViParticipant
Sometimes humming to yourself can help. Other times it helps to think of the person as an animal that kicks. You don’t get angry at it, you learn what not to do in its presence.
On the path of WIY, you can change aspects of your personality by changing your handwriting. You can curve your letters more and round off the bottoms of g,q.
It takes a long time to change your thought process. But by constantly telling yourself that it doesn’t make sense to be upset, with the logic supplied by the previous posts, eventually you will notice that your reaction will change.
I once heard that when the Chofetz Chaim felt that he was getting upset, he would speak very quietly. This puts you in low energy mode, and thereby dissipates the anger.
One more thing, so far, is to mentally put the problem into words. Once it is an intellectual issue it is no more an emotional one. You tell yourself, this person is doing something terrible by doing this, and it is not right because of that. The more detail you quantify and put to words, the better off you are. This, by the way, works for anxiety, too. Put your problems into very specific words.November 18, 2010 2:49 pm at 2:49 pm #710795
WIY- lol theres a diff between nice word and bringing in pesukim on emunah from chumash.. thats all i was saying….. as far as being a self stressing person… that is a bit true i tend to get stressed easily but what i am going through in work now is really not like that…. it’s really diificult to get through the day without quitting sometimes….. but i am trying hard
yankmedown- i only drink decaf coffee……
haleivi-i’m gonna try the humming… sounds like its right up my alley…. thanksNovember 18, 2010 3:07 pm at 3:07 pm #710796
Count very slowly to ten. Between each number, drink a shot of scotch. Fine single malt, preferably Balvenie Doublewood.
Repeat.November 18, 2010 3:36 pm at 3:36 pm #710797
Drinking is not the answer, but it helps one to forget the question.November 18, 2010 5:17 pm at 5:17 pm #710798
Five may be a little too intense for most girls. I have a friend who realized a guy was not for her when all he talked about were divrei torah. I’m not saying that a boy shouldn’t say over a nice vort during a date, but if that’s all the conversation, there’s not much getting to know you going on.November 18, 2010 5:33 pm at 5:33 pm #710799deiyezoogerMember
a rule in life people out there is “if your depressed and you want to screem, screem at yourself first you’ll be making a fool out of yourself so you’ll stop and you wont want to screem at others anymore. try it it works. eg. when you spill something….November 18, 2010 5:33 pm at 5:33 pm #710800
Dont worry, I post a lot of Torah here because I believe I can inspire others. Im not like this on a date.
On a date I wouldnt do this,vI know it would be excessive but I would probably say a vort, or talk about spiritual “subjects.” I am who I am and thats not going to change. I believe the Torah contains everything and has the answers to all that ails us in todays society so if I know an appropriate vort to address an issue I will mention it.November 18, 2010 5:39 pm at 5:39 pm #710801WolfishMusingsParticipant
a rule in life people out there is “if your depressed and you want to screem, screem at yourself first
An interesting thought…
The WolfNovember 18, 2010 5:41 pm at 5:41 pm #710802
not disagreeing with you…November 19, 2010 5:12 am at 5:12 am #710803frumladygitMember
I almost “lost it” uncontrollably a few times at work or just in public being confronted by someone/thing unreasonable and I do have a bad temper and can blow a gasket rather quickly..however, one trick I have learned that really is effective in the midst of all this inner temper tantrum is to breath and turn my inner mind conversation to Hashem and speak these words:
Hashem I know that you created this world in order to reveal yourself to your children
I know that this is possible by your will
I know that you love me and want me to come to a new higher level
and that everythign I have gone through up until now has been in order to come up
I believe in your revelation/yeshua
I am waiting for your revelation /yeshua
I believe Hashem wants to help me in order to do His Will.
Then I refocus on whats making me upset here and now, and ITS GONE!SO trivial in fact, I am like a new person.November 19, 2010 7:40 am at 7:40 am #710804kapustaParticipant
I know what a high pressure job is about and I really feel for you. If its on a daily basis, try to keep music on. Even subconsciously, it’ll keep you a little focused on something else and it will relax you somewhat.
-Another thing you might want to try, as crazy as it sounds, is laughing. Laugh to yourself at nothing, or (what I try to do sometimes) just think of whatever happened as one thing on a list of crazy things that happen (we all have our stories). Once you remove yourself a little from the situation, most things which started out as major sources of stress become things that are really funny. Imagine it happening to someone else (someone with a good attitude) and how they would react to the situation.
-If you can anticipate a situation, walk in and tell yourself “such and such will probably happen, but its ok. Its not gonna get to me.”
For one second (and I mean one second), put the Emunah aside. Think about how much Hashem loves you. You, with any flaws, just because you are you! Think about that and really internalize it. And once you do that, the “how and why” goes away and in its place comes “You’ve been running my life perfectly until now, so why should I think You’re taking a break.” Believe it or not, even on a small scale (and I talk from experience), it helps.
And like you said, talk to Hashem. I think if people would actually talk to Him, just whenever, from the heart, there would be a lot less depression.November 19, 2010 3:39 pm at 3:39 pm #710805
If you get upset often, you should pick one person and throw all your upsetness at them. This way you insulate all your other relationships.
It is useful to pick someone who will always be around, like your wife or one of your kids.November 19, 2010 4:03 pm at 4:03 pm #710806
That point about Tefillah and depression is right on. But Tefilla and Emunah are intertwined. The more Emuna you have the more Kavana you daven with and the more Kavana you Daven with the more Emunah you will have.
People don’t appreciate that they can talk to Hashem whenever wherever (as long as its not a bathroom..)
Hashem listens to all of our prayers in any language. If you are at work and you feel like you need help take 15 seconds to say Hashem, I know you run the world and control everything and man is powerless without You please help me, please give me Hatzlacha in this….November 19, 2010 4:27 pm at 4:27 pm #710807
So how is that for a bag of tools?
Turn to Hashem, reach for your emunah and bitachon and evaluate what type of control you have on the situation and what you can do with it. That is a pretty heavy arsenal to combat stress with, don’t you think?November 19, 2010 5:30 pm at 5:30 pm #710808bptParticipant
9 shots? That’s a $15 pick-me-up! I’d have to be pretty upset to require such a calm down. I can’t think of anything that would set me on fire that bad. Except for maybe someone blocking my driveway…November 19, 2010 6:54 pm at 6:54 pm #710809
I am actually impressed that nobody yelled at me that it is sherry cask, which it is. I suppose anyone who knows scotch also knows that sherry cask is totally fine.
(Citation: I spoke to a Rov who asked R’ Dovid and R’ Reuven, after which we drank McCallans in this Rov’s house.)
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