October 6, 2008 5:50 pm at 5:50 pm #588400
To the citizens of the United States of America from Her Sovereign Majesty
Queen Elizabeth II:
In light of your failure in recent years to nominate competent
candidates for President of the USA and thus to govern yourselves, we hereby give
notice of the revocation of your independence, effective immediately.
(You should look up ‘revocation’ in the Oxford English Dictionary.)
Her Sovereign Majesty Queen Elizabeth II will resume monarchical duties over
all states, commonwealths, and territories (except Kansas, which she does not fancy).
Your new Prime Minister, Gordon Brown, will appoint a Governor for
America without the need for further elections.
Congress and the Senate will be disbanded. A questionnaire may be
circulated next year to determine whether any of you noticed.
To aid in the transition to a British Crown dependency, the following
rules are introduced with immediate effect:
1. The letter ‘U’ will be reinstated in words such as ‘colour,’
‘favour,’ ‘labour’ and ‘neighbour.’ Likewise, you will learn to spell ‘doughnut’
without skipping half the letters, and the suffix ‘-ize’ will be
replaced by the suffix ‘-ise.’ Generally, you will be expected to raise
your vocabulary to acceptable levels. (look up ‘vocabulary’).
2. Using the same twenty-seven words interspersed with filler noises
such as ‘like’ and ‘you know’ is an unacceptable and inefficient form of
communication. There is no such thing as U.S. English. We will let
Microsoft know on your behalf. The Microsoft spell-checker will be adjusted to
take into account the reinstated letter ‘u” and the elimination o f ‘-ize.’
3. July 4th will no longer be celebrated as a holiday.
4. You will learn to resolve personal issues without using guns,
lawyers, or therapists. The fact that you need so many lawyers and
therapists shows that you’re not quite ready to be independent. Guns should only be used for shooting grouse. If you can’t sort things out without suing someone or
speaking to a therapist, then you’re not ready to shoot grouse.
5. Therefore, you will no longer be allowed to own or carry anything
more dangerous than a vegetable peeler. Although a permit will be required
if you wish to carry a vegetable peeler in public.
6. All intersections will be replaced with roundabouts, and you will
start driving on the left side with immediate effect. At the same time, you
will go metric with immediate effect and without the benefit of conversion
tables. Both roundabouts and metrication will help you understand the
British sense of humour.
7. The former USA will adopt UK prices on petrol (which you have been
calling gasoline) of roughly $10/US gallon. Get used to it.
8. You will learn to make real chips. Those things you call French
fries are not real chips, and those things you insist on calling potato chips are
properly called crisps. Real chips are thick cut, fried in animal fat,
and dressed not with catsup but with vinegar.
9. The cold, tasteless stuff you insist on calling beer is not actually
beer at all. Henceforth, only proper British Bitter will be referred to
as beer, and European brews of known and accepted provenance will be referred to
as Lager. South African beer is also acceptable, as they are pound for
pound the greatest sporting nation on earth and it can only be due to the
beer. They are also part of the British Commonwealth – see what it did for
them. American brands will be referred to as Near-Frozen Gnat’s Urine, so
that all can be sold without risk of further confusion.
11. You will cease playing American football. There is only one kind of
proper football; you call it soccer. Those of you brave enough will, in
time, be allowed to play rugby (which has some similarities to American
football, but does not involve stopping for a rest every twenty seconds
or wearing full kevlar body armour like a bunch of nancies).
12. Further, you will stop playing baseball. It is not reasonable to
host an event called the World Series for a game which is not played outside of
America. Since only 2.1% of you are aware there is a world beyond your
borders, your error is understandable. You will learn cricket, and we
will let you face the South Africans first to take the sting out of their
13. You must tell us who killed JFK. It’s been driving us mad.
14. An internal revenue agent (i.e. tax collector) from Her Majesty’s
Government will be with you shortly to ensure the acquisition of all
monies due (backdated to 1776).
15. Daily Tea Time begins promptly at 4 p.m. with proper cups, with
saucers, and never mugs, with high quality biscuits (cookies) and cakes; plus
strawberries (with cream) when in season.
G-d Save the Queen!October 6, 2008 7:34 pm at 7:34 pm #1143477
Will we be allowed to keep our medical and dental insurance?October 6, 2008 8:06 pm at 8:06 pm #1143478
Why would you want to?October 7, 2008 5:58 pm at 5:58 pm #1143479
“internal revenue agent”. We’ve put a large vat of tar on the fire, and several pillows will need to be canabalized for the cause.
Chicken or goose???February 24, 2009 9:58 pm at 9:58 pm #1143483
hahaha 🙂February 24, 2009 11:19 pm at 11:19 pm #1143484
an open bookParticipant
🙂February 24, 2009 11:43 pm at 11:43 pm #1143485
haha good one, squeak.
except for the football part.
and i think i would have been part of the federalists (is that what they were called or did i just make that up??) during the revolutionary war 😉February 25, 2009 1:39 am at 1:39 am #1143486
hey the it should have mentioned how to spell “Borough Park.”February 25, 2009 5:26 am at 5:26 am #1143487
squeaky: that was hilarious!!! all hail Queen Lizzy!!!!!!March 22, 2009 6:05 pm at 6:05 pm #1143488
This one is definately a true classic – have seen it floating around in several different forms!March 23, 2009 1:16 am at 1:16 am #1143490
noitallmr you must have some say on this! after all you are from the UK!July 4, 2012 1:26 pm at 1:26 pm #1143491
Happy Fourth of July!
G*d Bless America!!
SiDi™December 28, 2012 4:09 pm at 4:09 pm #1143492
Well Uk doesn’t have an independance day so it must be that they are the ones dependant on the USDecember 30, 2012 1:30 am at 1:30 am #1143493
One Piers Morgan has been questioning one of the first 10 Amendments.
Here is the response:
The Bill of Rights is our Crown Jewels.
Anyone tampering with them will be subject to Tar and Feathering!!!December 30, 2012 2:10 am at 2:10 am #1143494
1. What is a doughnut? And how do you pronounce that: k?fn?t?
…also, please explain how it is more efficient to use more letters.
2. iz this a mor effishent form of comm 4 u?
3. “holiday”? Did you mean “vacation”?
4 What is “grouse”? I’ve never seen grice before.
5. The National Peeler Association will probably fight the requirement for that permit.
6. What is “roundabout”?
… also, what is “metric system”?
7. Since you are pricing gas to the dollar I assume we will be continuing to use the less stable dollar rather than the British Sterling?
8. What is “catsup”?
9. Should we start calling beer “beeur”?
11. Research indicates that the name “soccer” began in England.
12. No baseball is no problem. No one watches it anyway anymore.
13. Only if you tell us the secret to not laughing at court dress.
14. “Monies”? munnies? monnies? mounies? I’m not getting it.
15. Can the American version of tea be replaced with coffee?March 26, 2014 1:57 am at 1:57 am #1143495
Iff itt woulhd bee moore efficiennt too aadd lletters, woulhdnn’tt yoou do itt moore?March 26, 2014 3:35 am at 3:35 am #1143496
I. M. ShluffinParticipant
I’m moving to Antartica.March 26, 2014 1:52 pm at 1:52 pm #1143498
Very funny, with the exception of #4. Therapists are not frivolous and unnecessary; they are lifesavers– literally.July 3, 2014 6:29 pm at 6:29 pm #1143499
Happy Fourth of July!
G*d Bless America!!
SiDi™July 3, 2014 9:16 pm at 9:16 pm #1143500
Promise me that you will never shoot a grouse.July 3, 2014 11:11 pm at 11:11 pm #1143501
SiDi™July 4, 2014 3:31 am at 3:31 am #1143502
Blimey, I’ll be ‘appy to talk wiv’ an accen’ now. Where’s me proper fish an’ chips?July 4, 2014 3:46 pm at 3:46 pm #1143503
Correction to Item 4: Preferred plural of grouse is “grise.” Secondary plural is “greese.”March 23, 2016 2:41 am at 2:41 am #1143504
☕ DaasYochid ☕Participant
Bump (Trump)March 23, 2016 2:58 am at 2:58 am #1143505
What is notable is that seven years ago apparently humorous, frivolous threads were something of an exception.
Considering that OP felt it prudent to label it as such.March 23, 2016 4:25 am at 4:25 am #1143506
Squeak, great post!
“In light of your failure in recent years to nominate competent
candidates for President of the USA”
Remind me, was it that bad 7 years ago? Or did you write this with clairvoyance, for the present ‘Purim shpiel’ election season.March 25, 2016 3:41 pm at 3:41 pm #1143507
16. All dentists will be outlawed, and toothpaste will be substituted for formaldehyde
No one is allowed to have better teeth than her majesty
- You must be logged in to reply to this topic.