To the citizens of the former US of A (humor)

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    To the citizens of the United States of America from Her Sovereign Majesty

    Queen Elizabeth II:

    In light of your failure in recent years to nominate competent

    candidates for President of the USA and thus to govern yourselves, we hereby give

    notice of the revocation of your independence, effective immediately.

    (You should look up ‘revocation’ in the Oxford English Dictionary.)

    Her Sovereign Majesty Queen Elizabeth II will resume monarchical duties over

    all states, commonwealths, and territories (except Kansas, which she does not fancy).

    Your new Prime Minister, Gordon Brown, will appoint a Governor for

    America without the need for further elections.

    Congress and the Senate will be disbanded. A questionnaire may be

    circulated next year to determine whether any of you noticed.

    To aid in the transition to a British Crown dependency, the following

    rules are introduced with immediate effect:

    1. The letter ‘U’ will be reinstated in words such as ‘colour,’

    ‘favour,’ ‘labour’ and ‘neighbour.’ Likewise, you will learn to spell ‘doughnut’

    without skipping half the letters, and the suffix ‘-ize’ will be

    replaced by the suffix ‘-ise.’ Generally, you will be expected to raise

    your vocabulary to acceptable levels. (look up ‘vocabulary’).

    2. Using the same twenty-seven words interspersed with filler noises

    such as ‘like’ and ‘you know’ is an unacceptable and inefficient form of

    communication. There is no such thing as U.S. English. We will let

    Microsoft know on your behalf. The Microsoft spell-checker will be adjusted to

    take into account the reinstated letter ‘u” and the elimination o f ‘-ize.’

    3. July 4th will no longer be celebrated as a holiday.

    4. You will learn to resolve personal issues without using guns,

    lawyers, or therapists. The fact that you need so many lawyers and

    therapists shows that you’re not quite ready to be independent. Guns should only be used for shooting grouse. If you can’t sort things out without suing someone or

    speaking to a therapist, then you’re not ready to shoot grouse.

    5. Therefore, you will no longer be allowed to own or carry anything

    more dangerous than a vegetable peeler. Although a permit will be required

    if you wish to carry a vegetable peeler in public.

    6. All intersections will be replaced with roundabouts, and you will

    start driving on the left side with immediate effect. At the same time, you

    will go metric with immediate effect and without the benefit of conversion

    tables. Both roundabouts and metrication will help you understand the

    British sense of humour.

    7. The former USA will adopt UK prices on petrol (which you have been

    calling gasoline) of roughly $10/US gallon. Get used to it.

    8. You will learn to make real chips. Those things you call French

    fries are not real chips, and those things you insist on calling potato chips are

    properly called crisps. Real chips are thick cut, fried in animal fat,

    and dressed not with catsup but with vinegar.

    9. The cold, tasteless stuff you insist on calling beer is not actually

    beer at all. Henceforth, only proper British Bitter will be referred to

    as beer, and European brews of known and accepted provenance will be referred to

    as Lager. South African beer is also acceptable, as they are pound for

    pound the greatest sporting nation on earth and it can only be due to the

    beer. They are also part of the British Commonwealth – see what it did for

    them. American brands will be referred to as Near-Frozen Gnat’s Urine, so

    that all can be sold without risk of further confusion.


    11. You will cease playing American football. There is only one kind of

    proper football; you call it soccer. Those of you brave enough will, in

    time, be allowed to play rugby (which has some similarities to American

    football, but does not involve stopping for a rest every twenty seconds

    or wearing full kevlar body armour like a bunch of nancies).

    12. Further, you will stop playing baseball. It is not reasonable to

    host an event called the World Series for a game which is not played outside of

    America. Since only 2.1% of you are aware there is a world beyond your

    borders, your error is understandable. You will learn cricket, and we

    will let you face the South Africans first to take the sting out of their


    13. You must tell us who killed JFK. It’s been driving us mad.

    14. An internal revenue agent (i.e. tax collector) from Her Majesty’s

    Government will be with you shortly to ensure the acquisition of all

    monies due (backdated to 1776).

    15. Daily Tea Time begins promptly at 4 p.m. with proper cups, with

    saucers, and never mugs, with high quality biscuits (cookies) and cakes; plus

    strawberries (with cream) when in season.

    G-d Save the Queen!

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