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What happens if your dating someone and it goes well- and fast, and you already know after a week that he’s thnking of popping the question and your not ready, yet, and it scares you that its going so fast??
You ease on the brakes…
U should find out why he is rushing?
Hope that it’s a nice ring.
Be indecisive. Say you feel there is chemistry, but you need more time to make sure about your “feelings”. Nothing is more endearing (and frustrating) and it will prepare him for life with a woman.
(Honestly, the more threads like this I read, the more I appreciate my wife. )
BPT, may you always appreciate your wife.
NO ONE should rush or be rushed into an engagement or marriage. If he is on a chapter ahead of yours, you have to make it clear that while you like him and want to get to know him, you are not on the same page yet. If he really likes YOU and not just the thought of being a chosson, he will be more patient,(but not if it takes you a full year to decide).
marry in haste, repent at leisure…
Legen-dary, it’s totally normal and accepted that the girl takes longer to make the decision than the boy. That’s usually the way it is. And if he is the right boy, than I’m sure he won’t mind waiting around till you’re ready.
This happened to me the other day while I was on YeshivaWorld. He ended up just telling me “Slow down. You move too fast.”
If you feel he is moving too fast, let the shadchan know. Or simply say, “wow, this is moving too fast we need to slow down”. Keep the dating to once a week so you have a little control and you pace it. Let him know that he can’t call you unless it is a planned phone call. Let him know that you like him but that you are feeling that he is way ahead of you and you need the time and space to catch up.
What do you do? Usually you drop him.
What should you do? Tell him. Talk to him. Relationships come through communicating your feelings to each other. If you aren’t ready to tell him your feelings, then I have no idea why either of you would want to get engaged.
As my mother would say, “buckle up for the ride”. Seriously though, IMO such quick shidduchim are scary. (Not in all circles) dating for such a short time might mean the person is excited to have found the one and wants to hurry up (not a good thing if the person is looking to get married just to be married) or maybe s/hes just enjoying the moment and not really thinking straight. I also think its better to go out a few extra times (within reason) to make sure.
(Btw, how many times did you go out in a week?!)
Hatzlacha!
popa: It’s exciting to get engaged/married. Sometimes people forget what its really about.
I had a situation like that once. The guy kept calling to push up dates and I felt I didn’t have enough time to think things through. I know people who were pushed into marriage and although they b”h seem happy, I don’t think I can ever go about it in that way.
OK, let me re-post but this time without the sarcasm.
#1 – Are you early in your dating career? Is he? If so, then 1 week is too fast. If he is a veteran and you are new to the game, (and he really cares about you) he should understand that you need more time to make a decision like this than he does because of the disparity in experience.
#2 – Ages? If you are under 20, (and presumibly, he is 23-24) you deserve a little more time to make a decision.
#3 – Date duration? Have you gone on an all day, afternoon date? Or have the been just 2 hours in a lounge date? If you’ve spent the day with him, and the time flew by, I’d say you have a winner.
On the other hand, if you are both well into your dating careers, or are both well into your 20s, hesitating may burn the bridge between the two of you. Either way, its a gamble, but saying yes puts a ring on your finger, while saying “I need more time” may give you more time than you bargained for.
Don’t think of it as being pushy; think of it as leadership quality
Decisions, decisions, decisions.
Sounds daunting? Welcome to the marraige club!
first be thankful for what you have. Daven for clarity. Why cant you tell him what you feel honestly? if you think hes at that stage and you need more time, why cant you tell him that nicely
Legen-dary,
are you the one dating middlepath?
LOL that would be very sharp!!!!
thank you adorable
I’m very good at math (I can put 2 and 2 together but sometimes they make 5)
i know what you mean but sometimes you are right!
coffee, That would be hilarious, but I doubt it for a few reasons: 1) The girl I’m dating knows I’m not ready to pop the question.
2) The girl I’m dating definitely does not go onto Yeshiva World, let alone have an account.
3) The girl I’m dating isn’t from New York, nor is she living there currently.
it was only a guess
I once heard if you’re waiting to hear bells -go next to a church.
But from experience if there is a little voice telling you no, always listen to the voice!
So what I’m hearing is, its a total go. But for some reason, you still feel the need to wait, just to be 100% sure.
My take? You ARE 100% sure (as well you should be) but cannot believe its gone this smooth, so you suspect there is “something you are overlooking”.
That’s the voice inside your head that says, “I don’t deserve this” and “its too good to be true”.
Utter nonsense! You do deserve it, and its good and its true.
Still, if you insist on waiting, do this: When he asks, tell him give me 5 minutes to think it over, and I’ll decide.
Hopefully, the next post you make is the news we are all expecting 🙂
” he’s so devoted, compassioante, sincere and caring that he’ll wait however long until i’m ready”
This, I would be very wary of. At some point, a decision will need to be made. Avoiding it is almost as bad as making one in haste.
Based on what you’ve said, you are both level headed, independent, confident people. Now is the time to put those traits to the most important test of all.
Can I be really honest here? I think 6 dates in a week is crazy. No wonder you’re feeling rushed!
Legen-dary, First of all I’m sure I’m not the only one that appreciates actually receiving a response to my comment. Thanks! I am quite impressed that you went down the line and answered all the posters.
Secondly, while almost all sounds well with this guy, what bothers me a little is his lack of attraction. You definitely have to feel some appeal to him. There’s a difference between an “attractive guy” and someone who YOU personally feel attracted to. That is something that you have to figure out for yourself before you go forward. If you need advice, you can discuss your concerns with a rav aware of the situation or your parents.
From everything you said about him, he really sounds great, and if it is meant to be, I look very forward to a mazal tov! 🙂
One more thing (just because I think it’s applicable here) and then I’ll try to keep quiet. (uh huh)
When I was learning to park my parents told me to do go slowly. Hitting a car at two miles an hour does a lot less damage than hitting it at ten will. So I’ll say the same thing here, two miles an hour is a lot safer than ten.
(Sorry, I know I’m coming on really strong, this was for the other people reading that it might apply to. ? )
6 dates in 1 week?
“it’s ABSURD- I THINK SO TOO!!!,” you write.
So why are you not telling him this and agreeing to 2 dates max per week? Why are you agreeing with him to go out so often if you are not comfortable doing so? Are you afraid how he will respond? Are you just not comfortable being yourself?
Time apart in between dates gives one greater clarity. Listen to your gut; Hashem gives us intuition through it.
An important part of relationships is communication, and you need to be communicating.
IMHO
LD – “Everything is good, but theres this small nagging feeling inside, like the whole “gut” thing…I’ve spoken to close and wise friends and older guiding adults- they all said to keep going…so I am… “
BPT says -“That’s the voice inside your head that says, “I don’t deserve this” and “its too good to be true”.”
Now IMHO, is that what the voice is saying (what BPT posted)?
If it is, then he with your guiding adults are correct. If the voice is saying something else, then you should listen to the voice, it’s never wrong.
It might be “too much of a good thing” literally. You have been bombarded with him and not have had a chance to get to know him and become enamored with him. Seriously, 6 dates in one week does not allow the psyche to absorb it all nor get used to this other being and become attracted to him. How can one know in one week whether you are attracted to him. Its like discovering a new ice cream flavoring and gorging yourself on it till you are full of it. You know its good and you like it, but your not sure why you were crazy over it when it first came out.
I agree that you should keep going and you will find things to be attracted to. It might not be the whole package, it might turn out to be his amazing smile, or his charm and charisma, or the way he looks at you that really grabs you and throws chills up and down your spine. It may be the way he shows cheesed others that makes him the most beautiful person you know and that’s what attracts you. It is something different for everyone. Look around you and try to figure out how other shidduchim come to be. Sometimes people look so mismatched and one would be hard pressed to figure what one would have seen in the other.
Give yourself a chance to get to know him and you might surprise yourself and see how attracted you might really be to him. If it doesn’t click for you however, then don’t let anyone push you into a relationship that doesn’t work for you. Hatzlocha.
“Utter nonsense! You do deserve it, and its good and its true.”
Boy, I sure wish I knew how to bold, but since I don’t, please forgive the all caps that follow:
HEALTH – IF YOU’RE GONNA QUOTE ME, PLEASE QUOTE THE WHOLE STATEMENT!
“Utter nonsense! You do deserve it, and its good and its true.”
(repeated, for empasis)
The voice in her head that is advocating to stall is talking narishkeit. The voice of truth (which is not always as loud as the voice of falsehood) is telling her, “Don’t let this one slip away!”
For the record, IIRC:
<x>text</x>
For bold replace the x with “strong”
For italicized replace the x with “em”
For
this
use “blockquote”
kapusta, thanx 4 the tip!!!!!
BPT – The reason I only quoted part was to ask her a question. I only need to quote what I have to for the purpose of my comment.
And it seems that you are wrong, she has more than one voice telling her to hold back. She has to figure out what is behind THAT voice!
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