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How prevalent is the practice in the frum community to seek a trophy wife? And how can we put an end to this despicable practice?
My wife’s head is on the wall
in our community, its more of an issue for the mother in laws to seek the trophy daughter in law as a wife for their son. Not that the boy themselves need the perfect in a ll areas wife.
What do you consider a trophy wife?
Looks or character?
A wife that has a nice outside. Or someone that will be a great wife/Mother.
Not that there is something wrong with beauty. Chazal didn’t have a problem with it. Only that I don’t think external beauty is what makes a women a trophy wife.
Unfortunately, what is usually seen in a “trophy wife” today is a Sheitel extending at least halfway down her back (which doesn’t look like a married woman), short, tight dresses, or tight tops that are very glittery, and stiletto heels. Pregnant women wearing extremely-tight tops. Not exactly Tznius-dik.
People who use the excuse, “Everyone does it,” have lost the ability to think for themselves and will, unfortunately, pay for it; either in this world, or in the Next World, where the punishment will be much worse.
Unknown in the frum community. A middle aged man who divorced the wife (and mother of his children) for a “trophy wife” (younger, glamorous, etc.) would be seen as “off the derekh”. Furthermore the goyim’s idea of glamour involve many concepts the frum Jews regard as being inherently something you do not display in public (and more explicit and this post would get banned).
I admit I never heard this term before and is not an issue circling around in my community at least. Care to explain this term “Trophy wife”?
A trophy wife is someone who was married to turn heads and enhance the status of the husband. You know someone is looking for a trophy when their focus are on physical traits and dress.
I agree with koillel.
Stuck: An important element of a trophy wife is that the husband had a first wife who was the useful companion when building a career, who is “pensioned off” for someone who ornaments the man success story. It is a 100% goyish concept, and a Yid who dumped his wife under such conditions would be universally rejected in out community (even ignoring that what consider desirable in a wife are quite different than among the goyim).
If this exists, I think it is a good thing.
Imagine if people were looking for a trophy spouse, which they defined as perfect middos and perfect yiras shamayim. Then it would be much harder to get married.
At least you can fix looks with plastic surgery.
akuperma -If your defintion is correct -then I’ll take one of those, please.
Depends on the community. In very yeshivish/chassidish communities, the “trophy” is yichus instead of looks (Rosh yeshiva’s daughter, einikle of this or that rebbe, etc). In other communities, the trophy wife is based on looks. This is an old practice, and used to be encouraged by the girls during their dances in the vineyards and orchards, according to the gemara in Tannis 25. The ones with the looks would advertise their looks, the the ones with the yichus would stress their yichus, and the ones with nothing would say “sheker hachein vehevel hayofi”.
Popa, in the other hand, girls would strive to become real trophys!
Then there are girls looking for trophy husbands, best guy in Lakewood, etc, many of these end up as “older singles”
a maskim. its always the guys who are trophy hunting. im sure soo many girls out there have the lowest expectations and are soo not dermanding. o please.
She was one, when we got married. Then, I realized it was going to cost me a fortune in upkeep, so I had her downgraded to dumpy housewife.
Now all it takes is an occasional grunt that sound something like “thanks, this stuff is tasty” (between mouthfuls), and she is thrilled!
Really, people. Trophy Wife? This is almost as insulting as the “one and done” expression.
Hello! We are talking about a bas yisroel. A little kovod ha’brious, please?
bpt
“Really, people. Trophy Wife? This is almost as insulting as the “one and done” expression.
Hello! We are talking about a bas yisroel. A little kovod ha’brious, please?”
+1
Regarding trophy wives, or trophy lives …..or anything that begs the public to believe they have what to desire and cause attention, for that matter, is really only -(according to my husbands’ theory) a decoy to mask serious underlying issues which they couple or family might have. Whether you want to call it trying to covering over a real issue, or using it as a decoy…its always the same thing. Or you could say its even an egotistical way of battling inner feelings of inadequacy.
Oh, by the way, have you ever noticed where old trophies always end up? THink. After a few decades you can buy a whole box of them for a dime at a yard sale.
does anyone look for the trophy husband? Does that exist?
A woman looking to marry money might be characterized as looking for trophies.
Trophy Husbands? The law of supply and demand apply here.
They’re not called trophy husbands- they’re called sugar daddies. They’re the men who can shower their wives with fancy clothing, jewelry, etc.
I didn’t know that a special talant or feature is needed to shower a wife with fancy cloth and jewerly.
forget the arguments! come meet me (i’m not yet a wife, but when i become one IY”H i will be deserving of many trophies!!!!!!!!!!!) not to sound haughty or anything chas v’shalom…
so what happens down the line when the looks go u get divorced? or when the man relizes the trophy can talk? deman up keep ie money jewlery ..or have diffrence of options u go elsewhere?
I don’t think frum Jews commonly “pension off” wives, or trade them in for a new model (as mentioned above) – but there ARE people who are marrying for the external package. I mean, it just doesn’t make sense otherwise… 😛 I guess that’s what “trophy wife” means l’maiseh.
Golden Mom …GOOD POINT!
My husband always says “if a boy is marrying for looks…he should do everyone a favor and dont get married in the first place”. Because what is he gonna do when she hits 30 and after a few kids her looks already start “going down”. Lets face it. Its beauty or brains.
Golden mom, the thinking is, that by the time the looks go away. Hopefully yhe husband will already have learned to respect and love his wife for who she is. Not for what she looks.
Of course men are interested in externals. They were 2,000 years ago during the dances of tu b’av. why should it be different now?
We must rid our communities of this evil practice. I think the Gedolim should ban women to look pretty so everyone will be the same.
Girls are such babies. Welcome to the real world- men care about looks. And it the guys, not their mothers.
And that is just the way it is.
You are all way too much into emotional connections anyway. So what if I don’t care to listen to you kvetch? I’m tall and I make money.
Poppa, I believe that after six wives you have enough.
“We must rid our communities of this evil practice. I think the Gedolim should ban women to look pretty so everyone will be the same.”
then the men will look for girls outside of our nation, chas veshalom! Besides which Alpi halacha it’s not meant to be that way for a number of reasons.
what do you guys mean when you say “trophy wife”? do you mean s/o who is geshickt in the kitchen, s/o who is a baalas chessed, an aishes chayil, wonderful mother etc etc or do you mean s/o to show off? an ornament, a decoration, a trinket? unfortunately i think its the latter when ppl say they want a trophy…. i hope they know this years trophy is out of style the next year.
“…the trophy husband? Does that exist?”
I’m one. But under-appreciated, so no one knows but me.
Its just an illusion. After marriage when the short comings become evident. It changes from trophy to just wife.
bpt: people notice faults in others when they have them themselves… maybe you don’t appreciate her enough…
“maybe you don’t appreciate her enough… “
OK, this was a line that I did not see how it could be misunderstood as being anything but sarcasm on my part.
But still, it never hurts to be at the recieving end of mussar.
Thanks, Seashell. I’ll try harder.
I’m a trophy Husband
Derech; I believe what derech is objecting too, is just that!
A Trophy Wife.
A Trophy wife does not mean a pretty or attractive wife,
or a super companion. A true trophy wife, means a wife who is chosen to show off with, more specifically in the physical appearance department, (what they call hot) is assur in every way.
1)Lo Tachmod Aishes Reiecho (Aseres Hadibros)
2)Hatzneh leches
3)Me’od Me’od hevei shefal ruach,
4)one is knowingly choosing a woman who will be machshil
people by choosing a attractive partner for that reason so people will look and say wow, or think it, causing other to be Muchshal in Hirhur of Aishes Ish (If not worse R”L)
It might also cause shalom bayis problems for other people.
Maybe he’ll come home saying “why cant you dress like Shmoiger Bal Gaavas Wife?!” The Aishes Fas Poar! I mean Yefas Toar”
Not to mention all the Ayin Horahs!
Note; it is not assur to look for an attractive wife if it it what you want, need, or require, or all the above, just as long your reason is solely personal. Any obsessions based on her positive physical attributes in order to impress others, based on what others will say, is a big problem in middos, character, self esteem, and probably sanity. We are not goyim!
It always bothered me when guys ask like, what do they say in the street about her, is she pretty? without having their own opinion
on the matter, its sick! If you like the way she looks, great.
If you have no clue, then take whatever you like.
Don’t look for a spouse in order to please strangers.
If it’s not for your own personal desire, it’s just all the heartache without any benefits.
Nobody will like you more because you have an attractive wife,
They might act that way, (but believe me it’s not you they’re interested in) So why get yourself into all this trouble.
If not for practicality, then at least for the four reasons i listed above. If your not makpid on a gorgeous girl, be sensible,
besides not many girls are gorgeous, and those who are usually lean on that, while the others actually work on being gorgeous on the inside, and it shows on the outside as well if you look with the right set of eyes, yiddishe eyes that is.
Thank you bein hasdorim- very well said
cinder; Ur very welcome. I like to clarify things.
I also like to make ppl smile. Sometimes I can’t do both at the same time. 🙁
bein_hasdorim, thumbs up!
Well said, bein_hasdorim. You described the issue of trophy wives perfectly.
As far as I’m concerned, my middle-aged mother of many, wife is a trophy for my own mantle shelf. There isn’t a more beautiful or more complete woman in the world. My standards are the ones I go by and my eishes chayil is all I need or would ever want. I’m happier with her now than at any time in our marriage and it keeps getting better every day. The smile I wear is the trophy for the worlds view.
good for you mrjones may you keep smiling till 120, you and your eishes chayil!
Rabbi Avigdor Miller z”l said that an older wife is much better than a younger wife. When a young boy and girl get married, they’re both young and happy but don’t know what will be, what she’s all about, if the marriage will aspire to all the good they dream it should. Yet one thanks Hashem for finally finding their bashert.
But now that you are bothmiddle-aged and B”H with children, one must thank Hashem even MORE for one’s spouse. Because now you appreciate each other more, love each other more, and are more experienced/mature/compatible as a married couple.
BaalHabooze: Rav Avigdor Miller zt’l recommended girls get married young (end of high school or immediately after HS). This way they still have their hashkofos straight, and not corrupted by the secular world.
shein: maybe I didn’t make myself clear- I didn’t mean MARRY an older girl. I meant APPRECIATE your wife ESPECIALLY one that you’ve been married to for many years!
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