August 15, 2010 11:00 pm at 11:00 pm #592166
Some time ago, someone called me about a shidduch for me. She just wanted to know what i wanted, is this ok, is that ok – the regular. only she called me when it was like a hundred degrees and humid, i was just finally falling asleep for a twenty second nap in between preparing for a model lesson and finishing i think two other reports. kitzur, my mind wasn’t with me when she called, and of course, i didn’t have the presence of mind to tell her so.
anyway, i by mistake told her something that i didn’t want people to know. then, i brushed it off.
now, however, i heard that this piece of information has become known about me in the city where i grew up. this bothers me because it can be hurtful to my parents, and also because it can be hurtful to my shidduchim, but the first reason bothers me much more.
what have i done?
and what can i do now?
about my parents and the shidduchim?
help me please someone!
thanks!August 15, 2010 11:16 pm at 11:16 pm #712781
step 1: Daven
step 2: deny everything
(you’re allowed to lie mifnei darchei shalom)August 15, 2010 11:40 pm at 11:40 pm #712782
like the gemora says, when you pass wind you can’t take it backAugust 16, 2010 12:03 am at 12:03 am #712783
I would speak candidly with the shadchan and tell her that you had charata about misspeaking. Tell her everything you told us, and why it is important for your family’s sake, not to repeat what you told her. Then take this as an object lesson, that “N’tzor l’shoncha meira, is not only about L”H, but from saying things that can lead to bad situations. I would also bite the bullet and apologize to my parents for the embarrassment they might be feeling, if any.August 16, 2010 12:04 am at 12:04 am #712784
I meant to add, we ALL make mistakes, so once you have tried to rectify it as best as you can, let it go and learn from the experience. Please stop beating yourself up.August 16, 2010 12:22 am at 12:22 am #712785
I am sorry to read this. I wish people would have more discretion when dealing with other people’s lives. There is not really anything you can do at this point. I do not think denying it is a good idea, especially if it is something you will end up revealing to someone you date. I hope everything works out well for you.August 16, 2010 12:25 am at 12:25 am #712786
I know exactly how you feel.There are a few issues in my family that I would rather not publicize but nevertheless word sometimes does get around, and totally distorted to boot!
If it gets back to me, I explain exactly what happened and what the situation is now, and its not as bad as they heard, and the next thing I figure when it comes to the right shiduch they wont even hear it or they wont make an issue of it, and if they do and they are so narrowminded well thats not for me!August 16, 2010 12:45 pm at 12:45 pm #712787
Call several new shadchanim. Head off this issue by teeling them, you may hear “x” the reality. However is “y”.August 16, 2010 3:18 pm at 3:18 pm #712788
I know what it is. Her mom once burned a cake she was baking. This obviously must be kept very quiet, and if word gets out, it will ruin shidduchim for all the children.
But seriously, people need to grow up and stop with all this FBI stuff. A person can be a great girl and come from nothing or from a very problematic family and it doesn’t reflect at all one her. Years ago, when people met on their own, they only judged by the person. Or friends would informally say, I know a nice guy or girl who is in school with me, would you like to go out. The answer was yes or no on the spot with no investigations.
Let’s be honest. All this checking out is totally for one reason–Kavod. I want to be able to brag to my friends how well known, prominent or rich the family is. But the gemara says, hizaharu bivnei aniyim shemehem teitzei Torah. Torah comes from the simplest and most sincere families, not from the bigwigs. Yesh nosei isha lshem shomayim.
I wouldn’t let it bother you. Whatever difficulties you have are a badge of honor which you have been able to overcome. There is no shame that your family is not perfect. Another secret: none are. Just some people are better at hiding things than others.August 16, 2010 3:24 pm at 3:24 pm #712789
You are NOT in trouble. If anything, there may be a silver lining to this, but before I explain why I see it that way, let me repeat something I read from Rav Pam zt”l:
“when asked by my talmidim who are entering shidduchim, if I can introduce them to the right people, the first person I introduce them to is themselves”
Whatever fact you revealed, fact is, it really is a part of who you are. Not necessarlily the nails in the coffin, but its a part of you nonetheless.
Bringing it to the forefront allows you / your family to deal with it now, rather than let it sneak up on you and then have to do damage control.
Plus, for every small minded door this revelation his may close, your dealing with it in a mature level-minded way will open up dozens of opportunities that you may not have seen otherwise.
We all have skeletons in our closets and all have black sheep in our corral. Your only “crime” is you faced up to it. Don’t sweat it, run with it!November 25, 2010 10:29 pm at 10:29 pm #712790
why lie?just tell the shadchan:for the kavod of my parents,please do not share that info. with anyone.it will cause my parents unneccesary tza’ar.November 25, 2010 10:35 pm at 10:35 pm #712791
this doesn’t fall under the category of shalom!
if i steal $100.00 from you and you ask me if i took it, can i say no? after all you won’t love me much if you find out i took it!November 26, 2010 12:56 am at 12:56 am #712792
It was bashert because you’re destined to marry someone who doesn’t care about that “crime” and/or not destined to marry someone who does. ???? ??????? ??? ???????. ??’ ???? ????.November 26, 2010 12:47 pm at 12:47 pm #712793
You have to be a little more specific if you want help it’s not clear if the information that got out is something small that you’re bugging out about for no reason or if it’s something serious. At least elaborate if it’s something about you you’re family your hashkafos etc.
Since you left out the details let me indulge myself with possible scenarios
1)Shadchan- so would you go out with a boy who is working/only learning short term if he has everything else you’re looking for?
Because it was like a hundred degrees and humid, she was just finally falling asleep for a twenty second nap in between preparing for a model lesson and finishing i think two other reports. kitzur, my mind wasn’t with me when she called a rational thought actually pops into her head “why not”
goodquestion-yeah but I’m not actively looking for a guy but I’ll consider it if it comes up
And now she is known as the girl who isn’t 100% committed to the Kollel lifestyle. How will she get a shidduch? what will her parents think?
2)shadchan- so how can I contact you?
goodquestion- well text me if you have anything
Uh oh a girl with texting how can she be worth marrying?
3)somehow it comes up in the converstion
goodquestion-but they dind’thave anything in size six so I couldn’t buy anything.
shadchan- But it says on your shidduch resume that you are size 2November 26, 2010 2:28 pm at 2:28 pm #712794
My sentiments, exactly.November 26, 2010 2:36 pm at 2:36 pm #712795
A woman once went into the Chazon Ish ZT”L and said that she has a problem. A couple of her children had psychiatric issues and when people would ask the neighbors for shidduchim info about their other children, they would get the impression that it’s a crazy family and would look elswhere.
The Chazon Ish ZT”L replied, “When the right one comes, the neighbors won’t be home.”November 28, 2010 5:17 am at 5:17 am #712796
yatzmich – your right. the guys who arent bothered, and are dan l’kfa zchus, wont take the rumours seriously. its not like your now a white table cloth with an oil mark, no tablecloths are perfect thats why we’re human. and Hashem doesnt need reputations to make a shidduch
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