Upset at two related things that were in the Hamodia Weekly

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    ☕️coffee addict

    I’m only posting this thread to vent about the stupidity of our Dor (YES, STUPIDITY)

    1) there is a “Kol Koreih” by a lot of Gedolim.

    in the “Kol Koreih” they state because of the age gap that is the reason why there is a shidduch crisis (which might or might not be true) therefore BOYS SHOULD GET MARRIED A YEAR YOUNGER.


    Boys getting married a year younger means having someone less mature in a marriage (do you think a 21-22 year old boy can be in a caring relationship where he has to emotionally support his wife at times).

    Boys getting married younger means having an additional year of supporting a newlywed couple in an economy that is struggling as is

    Boys getting married younger means fathering a baby at a younger age, do you think a 21-22 year old can take care of another human being? (I’m not talking exceptions here)

    2)In R Avraham Twerski’s section a father laments that his 20 year old daughter has been dating for 2 (yes TWO) WHOLE YEARS and no one said yes, should he give up on his daughter and say she will NEVER GET MARRIED, he mentions she isn’t skinny (not sure if she’s fat though)

    BTW he answer’s “calm down, there’s someone for everyone”


    The main reason (I feel at least, from experience and from what people tell me) is that people are too caught up in DETAILS (weight, wealth, age, height, family issues, does he/she fold a tablecloth lengthwise or widthwise, is he/she a scraper, stacker etc.)

    This warrants me coming out of my shell for a little bit


    and what about all these gedolim that signed on to this proclamation?


    I don’t like the Hamodia all together.


    coffee addict

    I would like to add 2 things.

    1. I think an 18-19 year old girl is usually too young and immature for marriage and therefore dating and girls should really start when they are about 20.

    2. The parents are nuts for thinking that a 20 year old girl dating for 2 years will never get married. How do you give up so soon on your child?! However frum society as a whole has this anxiety built into shidduchim that if someone is dating for like 2 years and nothing happens yet we freak out. We are creating a crisis by making a 20 year old girl think she will never get married. So now at 20 a girl is “old?!”

    ☕️coffee addict


    it seems you didn’t read my post well

    I wouldn’t be surprised if the guy that came up to the Gedolim said “It’s a davar yedua that the age gap is what is causing the shidduch crisis so we should close the age gap” to which they said “I’ll sign on that” and the guy takes that to mean boys should get married younger (Instead of having boys marry in their age range or not marrying off 18 year olds)


    exactly my point, I realized the guy is mentioning from what he sees in society and I didn’t mean to comment that he in particular is crazy I meant he shows that society is crazy


    I’m grateful to Rabbi Dr. Twerski for printing that letter. It shows clearly the illogical and panicky attitude towards shidduchim that is the true progenitor of the “shidduch crisis”.


    i think the girls should start dating around the same age as boys like 22/23 and then they will both be mature enough to get married and will close the age gap! instead of boys getting married younger they are imature and not ready if anything that will cause more divorces not help the situation


    coffee addict: sorry didn’t see that in your post; but from the ad it made it seem that the gedolim signed the actual paper.


    Totally agree, that the age gap issue is not the reason for the so called crisis. I got married over 20 years ago, we did not have a problem. My friends and their spouses have a good deal of age differences. What has changed? Well I really feel the whole yeshiva mentally of parents supporting their kids has changed the shidduch world and expectations of the parents and the children. My parents did not give us anything, nor my FIL. My parents paid for the wedding and that was it!! We were on our own. No furniture, nothing. and I am not complaining because we went in our marriage realising it was up to ourselves.

    Fast forward 20 years later, the parents are expected to support their married kids. I ask is this realisic? especially in the current financial situation where you have both parents working barely makeing ends meet, then they have married kids and probably have yeshiva age children, to support. The whole situation is not feasible, and I think that is why we have a problem. Unfortunately, parents are looking for their childrens welfare, and i believe money is the problem.

    I myself have a 20 year old boy. do I think he is ready to get married?? No way, no how, and he knows this himself. there is no way I can support him or he himself at this point in his life. and now the Rabboinim are saying boys should get married younger?? That is the answer???

    How about going back to a time where boys were working and earning a living and not to be dependent on their parents. Where does it say in the Torah, that the parents are suppose to support their married kids. If anything a father is suppose to teach his sons a trade, so they may support themeselves. Yes the kollel lifestyle is wonderful and a beautiful dream but simply not feasible for the general population.

    I don’t believe the age gap has anything to do with the shidduch crisis. I think it is the attitudes and expections of people nowadays that have everyting to do with it.

    Loyal Jew

    20 year olds marry and do just fine if the parents take care of their end. The trouble begins when parents withhold Torah support and encourage girls and boys to “earn.” There is no shidduch crisis among the others.


    Loyal Jew, that is not a financially sustainable model. Where are the parents supposed to get endless parnassa from, and what about their children’s children?

    Men should, in my opinion, have a viable plan in mind before they get married. It is irresponsible to rely on miracles, having NO IDEA how you will ever be able to support a family, even if you are currently in learning. And this is primarily the man’s job.

    OK, I hope the heresy is out of my system for now. 🙂

    Loyal Jew

    torah613, sustainable is as sustainable does. The purchase price of every car parked on our streets could support a kollel family for a year at least. The cost of insuring and running the car would do it for another year. And that’s only the beginning. The cost of the fancy furniture and the vacations and the designer clothes and the retirement funds and all the rest.


    Loyal Jew(Joe), the first question is if all American parents are willing to exchange their US standard of living for the Polish one to keep everybody in kollel. Secondly, that helps only the first generation. When even the zeides are kollel yungerleit (the following dor), there is nothing to cut or double-morgage anymore. Get it?

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