January 13, 2011 2:41 pm at 2:41 pm #594167
If you are going to the trouble to help someone with unusual behaviors…why do you CANCEL OUT your schar by making fun of them afterwards?
I think that if you don’t have patience for someone…or you feel at liberty to label them JUST BECAUSE you help them…you should refer the person to someone else.January 13, 2011 2:56 pm at 2:56 pm #727986SacrilegeMember
THANK YOU for bringing this up! It has always bothered me when people use derogatory terms to talk about the people they do “chesed” for.January 13, 2011 3:55 pm at 3:55 pm #727987apushatayidParticipant
??January 13, 2011 4:04 pm at 4:04 pm #727988NonsenseMember
The ?????? begotten from lashon hara, halbanas panim and onaas dverim greatly outweigh and mitzva (if any)
The gemarah talks about a son feeding his father fattened geese and being ???? ???????. When it is done in a negitive attitude, there’s absolutely no mitzvah.January 13, 2011 6:19 pm at 6:19 pm #727989oomisParticipant
Sometimes one is put in a position where he is compelled to do a chessed for someone who is unpleasant. My friend who opens her home to anyone and everyone for a Shabbos meal, had a VERY last-minute Pesach Sedorim guest, a stranger who was supposed to be by someone else, but at the last minute they decided to go away for the Sedorim. My friend was kind enough to say yes. At their home, this guest was incredibly rude, insulted the meals she had prepared, proceeded to tell her how she SHOULD have prepared the food, because he doesn’t LIKE xyz of what was being served. He did some other things as well, but I cannot recall what she told me. I was appalled however, that someone would be such a kafui tov to anyone, much less someone kind enough to host him for Pesach at the last minute. And if the stranger who acted in this manner happens to be reading this – hamayvin yavin.
I found out this story, because I myself had had an unsettling experience doing a similar tova for a stranger whom my Rov had asked me to host unexpectedly. Both my friend and I try to be gracious hosts. And I will always try to be welcoming at the time, even if I don’t care for the guest (though he will not get a second chance to insult or embarrass my family or me).
Sometimes you HAVE to do a chessed with a less than sterling attitude. And I disagree with Yochie. I believe that Hashem gives us GREATER sachar for doing a chessed when it is especially difficult and we might have negative feelings. It is easy to be nice to nice people. Much harder to be nice to intransigent and rude ingrates. If we still manage to be, despite their ill-mannered behavior, kol hakavod.January 13, 2011 7:03 pm at 7:03 pm #727990artchillParticipant
Sorry! No one HAS to do a chessed.
If a person CHOOSES to do a chessed the least they can do is shut their mouths and maintain the dignity of the person they did the chessed for. Unless the person acted as a criminal at your home a host has no right ‘yenting’ about the person they CHOSE to help. It all boils down to CHOICES, to do or to ignore. Once you made the choice, you have to live with the outcomes.January 13, 2011 7:09 pm at 7:09 pm #727991Feif UnParticipant
I have also had guests who were extremely rude. Someone once told us that the amount of food we had was “skimpy” because she’d been to places where they serve chicken, beef, 3 different salads and 4 different kugels. We only had 2 chicken dishes, one salad, and 3 kugels. She was also just really overall annoying. We told the person who asked us to host her not to send her again. We also told her that referring her to others might not be a great idea.January 13, 2011 7:11 pm at 7:11 pm #727992showerzingerMember
People HAVE TO DO CHESED!
It may be a newsflash to many. And just as if you are ‘not in the mood’ and grumbly and ‘yent’ from today to tomorrow, you still HAVE to put on tefillin and keep Shabbos etc..chesed is a Mitzva too!
NOW…there is room to say that if you already DO fufill this mitzva thru other acts of chesed that you don’t have to take on ADDITIONAL ones that are frustrating to you. However, the greatest room for growth is to do it when it is difficult. Baking cookies for your best friend who is sick is NOT a hard chesed to do. Inviting someone less fortunate who is a lil eccentric is.January 13, 2011 8:25 pm at 8:25 pm #727993NonsenseMember
I did not mean negitive feelings (we’re only humans). I meant showing negitave attitude. It’s a gemorah.January 13, 2011 8:37 pm at 8:37 pm #727994miritchkaMember
eclipse, I’m going to assume that you’re including making a person feel lower or indebted to you too.
Every time i see a certain person, i always feel like i owe her something due to the way she talks to me and gives me a look…January 13, 2011 8:49 pm at 8:49 pm #727995oomisParticipant
Artchill, let’s agree to strongly disagree. Chessed IS a mitzvah. Al shlosha devarim haolam omeid…etc. We are human and as such cannot ALWAYS be in a great frame of mind. That does not preclude or excuse us from doing chessed. If I go to visit someone who is ill when I myself feel exhausted from a day of watching my granddaughter, doing laundry, running household errands, and I really just want to lie down and relax (did I mention there are 18″ of snow on the ground and I have to dig out my car?) then I have done a chessed that I was really not up to doing. Sometimes we have to just suck it up. Would it be better to NOT do the chessed?
Miritchka, it really is assur for someone to whom you are indebted, to make you feel that way by word or deed.January 13, 2011 9:03 pm at 9:03 pm #727996artchillParticipant
Obviously you have to do chessed, but a person has to choose wisely which chessed to get involved with. For a very rigid person who sees only black and white, to try and be mekarev at-risk-teens would NOT be a chessed. For a person who can’t relate to people with poor grooming and hygiene, having them at your Shabbos table would NOT be a chessed.
Talking about the people you are trying to help is NOT a chessed.January 13, 2011 9:05 pm at 9:05 pm #727997
Another angle here is only relating to someone WHILE THEY ARE IN A “NEBACHY” SITUATION.Some people don’t know what to do with you when you “catch up”!January 13, 2011 9:06 pm at 9:06 pm #727998
artchill:well-explained!January 14, 2011 1:04 am at 1:04 am #727999wanderingchanaParticipant
We had just moved to a new neighborhood and were invited to a family for Shabbos. I was in awe of the wife’s cooking skills and blurted out, “Where did you learn to cook like this??” I realized afterwards it didn’t sound quite like a compliment, and stumbled over myself, but I think I hurt her. I’ve seen her a few times since then and she’s been cool to me. I feel badly that I hurt her, but I’m afraid bringing it up again will just make it worse.January 14, 2011 4:27 am at 4:27 am #728000bygirl93Member
i think u should brign it up and explain wat u meant- second times the charm- who knows ull prob end up becoming close- but tis never good to leave something misunderstood- u never no wen it will come into ur futureJanuary 14, 2011 4:39 am at 4:39 am #728001bein_hasdorimParticipant
I guess the reason they are doing chessed is to feel good about themselves, or to brag, or put on a resume.
I doubt it’s to help the other person.
The main reason is cuz HB”H wills us to do chessed.
or just to help yenner, but to make fun?!January 14, 2011 5:29 am at 5:29 am #728002GuardmytongueMember
I don’t think you realize that you guys are making two totally different points. You aren’t disagreeing with each other, you are just mis-hearing each others points (seemingly :)) You cannot always help how you feel about the people you do chessed for or the way they make you feel, and I don’t think you have to enjoy them. But what makes you lose the schar (if I understand correctly)is complaining AFTERWARDS that the person was xyz or that you are sorry you bothered. You don’t lose the schar from being resentful of their behavior or wishing they weren’t so obnoxious, it’s the choice you make when it is done to be resentful or regretful. See the difference?
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