Was Every Married Guy Perfect when they Went Out on Dates?

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  • #1926434
    1
    Participant

    I’ve been going out for a few years and after 1 or 2 dates, the girls say they had a nice time but it’s not for her. I’m not getting great feedback why it’s not for them. Was every married guy love at first sight? I have a career, I learn every day, and I do whatever I can to be a good person. People around me seem to get married pretty quickly. When does it “click?”

    #1926470
    avedlashem
    Participant

    Only Hashem can answer you that question, you have to go thru several שידוכים until the final one comes, the minimum השתדלות is required but the rest you have to leave on Hashem.
    קשה זיוויגו של אדם כקריאת ים סוף

    #1926473
    ujm
    Participant

    The way it works is that the non-perfect guys marry the non-perfect girls. The trick for non-perfect guys when dating is to look for less than perfect girls.

    #1926474
    Gadolhadorah
    Participant

    There is no magic formula that will “make it click” for every single person. As much as it sounds like a cliche, just be yourself and soon you will find your beschert. Don’t let anyone pressure you into rushing into the first relationship that goes to a third date unless you really feel the connection.
    Much hatzalacha.

    #1926475
    OrechDin
    Participant

    There are two ways to look at this:

    1) Religious – It will “click” when Hashem wants it to. He chose your zivug 40 days before you were born. When you come upon her it will click. He runs the world. You just do your part. Keep dating and He will bring her to you. Hashem has a reason why you will wait however many years or months before you find her. And that reason must be for the best.

    2) Rationalist – Honestly assess yourself and the women you’re seeking to date. Does who you are and who you want to be match or fit with the characteristics of the women you want to be set up with? There’s a story I tell to potential jurors when I’m picking a jury before trial… “I’m not looking for the best juror, I’m looking for the RIGHT juror. When I played football, I told the coach I wanted to try playing running back. He put his hand on my shoulder and said, ‘son, we could time your 40 with a calendar and you couldn’t catch a cold. You’re not meant to play running back. Now go over to the offensive line and learn protection.'” You may be a great guy, but not the RIGHT guy for these girls (and vice versa). Also honestly look at yourself in the mirror. Are there things YOU could improve? Get in better shape? Haircut? Better clothes? Work on your dating communication skills? Find more interesting places to go on dates?

    I pray that you find your match soon and in Hashem’s time. We all look forward to a follow up post where you announce your engagement.

    #1926476
    Sam Klein
    Participant

    When it’s the right person for you. Trust me you will know it or as you say it will click and you will know when it’s the proper time to propose and move forward in life…..

    The question you need to ask yourself is. Are YOU doing your Hishtadlus? No not just your physical hishtadlus but your SPIRITUAL hishtadlus? I.e. are you davening to Hashem daily special tefillos asking Hashem to please send you your chosen zivug? And as quickly as possible? Are you having the proper bitachon and emunah in Hashem? (Faith and trust in Hashem) and not turning to others for help but davening directly to Hashem the king of kings to help you get married very soon.

    perhaps this tip might help you if you answered no to the last question. Hashem has already chosen who your lucky wife will be over 20 years ago 40 days before a person is born and has her/him waiting for you to get engaged to each other. Hashem now is just waiting for your Hishtadlus to call out directly to Hashem for help and put your complete faith and trust in Hashem.

    May Hashem answer all your tefillos and send you your zivvug bkarov. Make sure that you let us know in the CR when you get engaged

    #1926512
    ☕️coffee addict
    Participant

    Wow! A guy like you not married? They don’t know what they’re missing out on!

    And to see a thread where there hasn’t been any bashing is a welcome sight to see

    Just some tips that I think might be helpful (if you haven’t already done them yet)

    1) look out of town, it will open up more possibilities

    2) don’t have your first date in a hotel lobby, rather in a place where you would feel most comfortable

    Things will happen whenever Hashem wants them to, so don’t give up!

    May you find your zivug soon

    #1926520
    ChananiaL
    Participant

    Anyone who has been dating for several years will have experienced a fair share of rejections. Trust me you’re not the only one in this situation. Without knowing you, I can’t give any personalized advice, but I can share something I have learned as a (somewhat) older single, and that is just be yourself. Try-hard and pandering doesn’t work with girls. Always be polite always be a gentleman, but be yourself.

    My grandfather a”h was a great guy who got married at 38. I never asked him what took so long. All’s well that ends well. Chazak Ve’ematz.

    #1926531
    Reb Eliezer
    Participant

    Say Tehilim 121

    #1926539
    flowers
    Participant

    To 1:

    It is very important for you to explore why this is happening. You should either ask some trusted friends if they can be honest with you and tell you if there is something they see that may be turning off the girls you date. Or find a dating coach or therapist to help you explore what it is.

    Sometimes what is turning off a dating partner, may be detrimental to a marriage. Find out what it is. If you know what it is, and think that anyway nobody is perfect (the way you ask your question may be an indication of something like it), that is the wrong attitude. Fix it. And not only for while you date. But it should be a genuine desire to change.

    I do realize that it could be you are not doing anything wrong. And the right one just hasn’t appeared yet. But be smart and see if perhaps you can get some feedback from someone objective to let you know if there is some change that needs to be made.

    #1926538
    Reb Eliezer
    Participant

    Meayin yova ezri? Ezri meim Hashem osei shomayim vehaaretz. One asks, will my basherte be more heavenly inclined, towards ben adam lamokam or earthly, ben adam lachavera? The answer is, if it is fated from Above, from Hashem, she will do both.

    #1926549
    Reb Eliezer
    Participant

    Know ahead of time what qualities are deal breakers and which are not and try to find them as only Hashem is perfect.

    #1926552
    Reb Eliezer
    Participant

    Try to avoid speaking about politics as you have very strong opinions.

    #1926554
    huju
    Participant

    Married guys should not go on dates.

    #1926565
    1
    Participant

    @RebEliezer I never bring up politics.

    @rechDin Dressing I dress in the nicest suits. Car I drive a nice car. Figure I’m in pretty solid shape. Communication – it’s something I have been working on and the most recent ones there haven’t been silent pauses. I have a solid career path going for me also.

    #1926569
    1
    Participant

    flowers I’ve asked friends and they weren’t very helpful. I started going to a dating coach. He’s helped a little but so far the results haven’t been realized. I think dating coaching is a scam but I’m doing it as part of hishtadlus.

    Thank you all who responded, it was helpful to get this off my chest. I am a quiet person in real life. Most people don’t know my political opinions. And I am polite in real situations.

    #1926568
    1
    Participant

    With COVID and winter there aren’t a lot of good options for dates – another issue but not the main one.

    #1926566
    1
    Participant

    Sam I try praying.

    #1926579
    Gadolhadorah
    Participant

    “Don’t bring up politics”

    Why not?? Especially if you have very strong feelings about public policy issues and government in general. You don’t want to wait until your in the yichud room and suddenly discover your beschert is a Trumpie or RHINO while you hold strong progressive values. Your political views are very much part of who you are and its something I would want to know about the person I’m going to live my life with.

    #1926583
    Reb Eliezer
    Participant

    I don’t think at the first dates bring up politics you can do it later after you know each other.

    #1926593
    ☕️coffee addict
    Participant

    “Try to avoid speaking about politics as you have very strong opinions.”

    Hey syag,

    Do you have any available daughters for 1?

    Maybe it’s a match made in the CR 🤔😉

    #1926594
    flowers
    Participant

    1:
    Kol hakovod. And Hatzlacha rabba.

    Gadolhadorah: Since it’s important for you to know what political leanings your husband will have, then absolutely, discuss them with the people you date. But not everyone finds it important.

    #1926657
    Yehudi
    Participant

    Dear friend,
    It is very hard for me to imagine the pain you feel – we have a basic need to feel wanted – needed – important.

    I would advise that you VIEW yourself as good from your inner goodness, and NOT BASE it on your outer deeds.
    FIND YOUR INNER GOODNESS – YOUR BASHERTA WILL SEE IT TOO. You will B’SD CLICK.

    #1926702
    MosheFromMidwood
    Participant

    I didn’t get married until my 30s and like you, I questioned what was wrong with me? The answer is you just haven’t found the right one yet. Some people are blessed finding their bashert first time out, others wait years. I am sure you have heard many inspirational stories of people who found their bashert years later. But you alone know if you reject people the way you get rejected. That’s the way life is. So be patient, stay positive and daven.

    #1926713
    bored guy
    Participant

    make eye contact, sit with an open posture. dress clean and put together. open the door’s , respect her. never complain about your life. talk about family, occupation, hobbies. talk emotion. hatslacha.

    #1926796
    yytz
    Participant

    Many of the above posters have given good advice.

    To add to bored guy’s list: 1) don’t be negative about anything in your conversations, 2) smile, 3) don’t talk too much, 4) ask questions, 5) relax.

    Be patient and don’t give up. Thank Hashem for everything, even this challenge.

    Hatzlacha!

    #1926795
    MDG
    Participant

    This reminds me of a story about a man in his 30s who was having no luck. He went to ask Rav Chaim. He said that his zivug was not born yet. Uh oh.
    Two months later he was engaged to a new gioret.

    #1926804

    @1: Just guessing, maybe you need to view/present yourself more as a person you are than a list of statistics. Why would you take a name that is “just a number”

    Re: perfect. Don’t worry – all of married guys are already told on regular basis that we are not perfect! You will also soon!

    #1926815
    🍫Syag Lchochma
    Participant

    I agree with coffee, they don’t know what they’re missing. And i was actually going to give advice based on lessons learned. I don’t know you at all so please accept this as random and anonymous, i guess.

    I think it is really important to know whete you are at hashkofically and where you are going, and see if it matches what you ate looking for. For example, there are guys names given to me with the descriptor that they are serious, solid hashkofos, etc and then a google search turns up an old facebook page or instagram account that should have been wiped clean long ago if no longer relevant, or he should have bern a bit more honest about where he is holding.

    If i see a facebook page (I’m already red flagging but…) with 100 friends who all have odd haircuts, bad language, and half are girls it’s obviously not what we’re looking for. (I was told it was an old account from a college program 🙄) But was that a case of a mismatch, poor media hygiene, or someone not knowing where they themsrlves are going.

    In closing- i am NOT saying the above means you aren’t a quality guy, it means this was a poorly made match and both sides would have better hatzlacha with different prospects.

    #1926821
    Benephraim
    Participant

    TWIMC

    I suggest that you start and end your dates with a kapitel Tehilim. This way you and your basherte can actually do your hishtadlus and have bitachon at the same time.

    Please let me know how it goes.

    I will try it as well as soon as it is shayach. But with covid I find it difficult if not impossible to go out.

    Hamispalel for his chaver etc….we should see simchas.

    #1926831
    abuezri
    Participant

    I think you should seize the opportunity. You have a whole community here trying to help you. Why not present yourself and maybe someone here has a shidduch for you!

    #1926877
    1
    Participant

    abuzeri I’m not advertising my name on a public forum

    #1926988
    Reb Eliezer
    Participant

    They asked Jack Benny, what was his social security number, he said, 1.

    #1926987
    abuezri
    Participant

    You don’t need to. But you can describe yourself without your name.

    #1927125
    Benephraim
    Participant

    I will be the Nachshon here. I am a widower Rav with children, some married, seeking a Rabbanit. Need more info? Let me know. If you want to see my Tayre please see what I wrote on the blog. Never ad hominem. Always loved habriyos.

    #1927141
    bored guy
    Participant

    don’t try too hard, if you do she’ll think your desperate and that is a huge turn off. just be yourself and if it doesn’t work out, remember hashem has someone for you. in other words don’t try to force her to like you. you might get upset after a no, just move on there will be someone else who will like you, and you will forget about the bad dates.

    #1927156
    Reb Eliezer
    Participant

    bored guy, are you E. E. Cummings who wrote his poems in lower case letters?

    #1927241
    bored guy
    Participant

    i guess reb eliezer is making fun of me, of writing in only lower case. you might be sitting next to me in olam habah so don’t make too much fun of me.

    #1927383

    I was far from perfect. I also was 26 yoa when i got engaged. Ended up marrying when i was 27 , by 36 I had nine children. Keep on dating, Be yourself.

    #1927636
    Rava
    Participant

    Probably be more more out going and don’t walk in with a attitude of im a great guy and the girl that gets me will be extremely lucky and i can’t figure out why none of the girls who i dated want me (eventhough that’s really how all healthy guys think we need to hide it)

    #1927670
    ChananiaL
    Participant

    @ Rava would change “outgoing” to “confident” but otherwise totally agree.

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