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Hi everyone. I need an answer to a problem that has been bothering me for a while. Who made up all of these “musts” when it comes to present giving during the engagement period? Why is it a must to purchase so many presents? First of all,who has the money? Why is it that if your engagement is around a specific period of the year, you must give either the menorah or the megillah case or the esrog box? A bracelet and a ring is not enough? A watch is not enough?
Why take out another loan for things like that? What is wrong if you purchased the megillah case for your tenth anniversary? Why not give your kallah that gorgeous watch for your tenth anniversary? A ring and a bracelet and a watch? People literally have a hard time putting food on the table. When is this nonsense going to stop.
They’re not musts. Anyone who tells you anything otherwise is lying.
My wife bought me a nice (not gold) watch for our engagement. I bought her an engagement ring. That’s it. We’re still very happily married years later.
The Wolf
Everyone has different financial situations and different concepts of what is important or not. This is not something you should be discussing “after” engagement where disappointments can sour things. These are the things that both young man and young woman should be discussing during dating and both sets of mechutanim should discuss when they meet. Even the shadchan should know something before setting up a couple.
A young Kallah whose sisters all received a list of gifts from their chassanim and gets very little might feel very uncomfortable, unless she is prepared in advance and realizes that the young man and his great family is really all the “gifts” she needs, and everything else will come in good time.
One should try to keep things even between their children and never show favoritism. Nor should they try to get more for one child than another. But this is also a reason why things have gotten out of hand. At times, families are so excited with the first shidduch that they just pour on the gifts. Then comes the next shidduch and they have to keep up…….
If you buy one daughter-in-law a 2 carat stone, you can’t cry poverty down the line. Keep in mind what you are doing when you start out. What you do for one you will have to do for the others.
On the other hand, know what you are prepared to do and discuss that with your kids so they don’t promise things you can’t afford to deliver. Make sure your son doesn’t borrow a Lexus for his dates if you don’t want to give the impression that there is more of that to follow.
When my daughter got married (we have only one) we were happy to buy him the gifts. He didn’t have an Esrog box but my boys did so we bought him one for Yom Tov, he was shocked. Then came Chanukah, he didn’t have a menorah but our boys did so we bought him a Menorah. Again he was shocked, he didn’t expect it. When my boys got married, they had all those things already so we didn’t expect such gifts from their in-laws. Actually we didn’t expect anything. My daughter got a bracelet, ring and watch. So we bought our daughters-in-law the same according to their own tastes. We didn’t want them to have less than what my daughter got.
my husband and i got engaged right before purim and we never talked about getting a megila case for him. it never even came up. my parents bought a watch and a shas, and he got me a ring, a bracelet, and machzorim (we didnt get married till shavuos, so it was a nice thing for him to do so i would have a ne=ice set to daven from over yom tov, but we didnt talk about it and it was a total surprise to me, as i was not expecting anything other than a ring- even the bracelet i wasnt expecting!!)
“If you buy one daughter-in-law a 2 carat stone, you can’t cry poverty down the line. Keep in mind what you are doing when you start out. What you do for one you will have to do for the others.”
100% you can cry poverty!! what you did for one child has nothing to do with what you do for another. each child is different, and the circumstances in which you find yourself at the time will also be different. i dont advise going all out for the first child, but that doesnt mean that each child down the line will receive the same things.
my personal opinion is that THIS is part of the reason why young men and women expect things when they get engaged. “you have to do the same for each one” is not right at all. if you raise your chldren to think that they all get the same things, then of course they will expect and be disappointed when they dont receive.
do you treat all of your children the same way at home? some may need a little more of a tlc-type of chinuch, and one may need a little more of a hard line type, and one may be incredible self motivated. they dont lose their indivu=iduality when they get engaged, and each still has their own needs.
(sorry it was so long)
the future spouse expects it.
If you’re future spouse still expects it even after knowing that you cannot afford it, you might be better off not being married to that person after all.
The Wolf
“you have to do the same for each one”: our machatunim’s defense to us & we ended up buried!!! the wedding cost us so much, our next child suffered when he got engaged & then married 5+ months later 🙁
explanation: we had wanted to do the same for our 3rd child as we had for our first two… it was done somewhat with takanos. but our machatunim, who also wanted to do for their child as they had for their others, were in a different financial situation than us, & wanted the same grand, huge wedding for their child as the sibs had.
doodle jump~ thank you for your understanding.
Amen!
we really tried, but somehow got railroaded at every turn. my husband & I were sick over this the whole engagement & after the wedding, too.
we love all our children & their spouses tho’, so now B’H it’s all good.
In an ideal world, each child should receive equal amounts — and responsible parents should know not to go “all out” on the first if it will impact the later siblings.
But OTOH, adult “children” should be able to understand that sometimes circumstances change and that what was affordable when the older one got married may not be affordable when the younger one gets married. If a parents income changed (for the worse) between one child’s marriage and the next, the younger child should not be making a stink that they did not get what the older one did — and if they do, then perhaps they aren’t mature enough to get married in the first place.
Mature, understanding people don’t put their parents into debt by demanding things they can’t afford — even if it’s what their older siblings got.
The Wolf
always here
if the machatanim wanted a fancier wedding, they should have been fully responsible for the difference in cost.
Unfortunately when a child picks a chosson or Kallah that doesn’t necessarily mean WE are picking OUR mechutanim. But we can only argue and/or negotiate so far without tipping the apple cart and causing issues for the couple. Most of us do what we have to in order to make sure it is smooth sailing for the couple. If you push too far or say “no” too much you fear that you will break the shidduch. You have to know who you are dealing with, and obviously “always here” was in a difficult situation that she felt she couldn’t maneuver out of without causing problems for the couple.
No one wants to be the one that puts her foot down and breaks the shidduch. It is a very difficult ballet and balancing act to maneuver through till after the chupah and sheva brochos when you are done with the mechutanim. In many cases you are walking on egg shells. Some times it runs very smoothly and you are both on the same page, but in some cases it can be a real challenge.
give the guy a bottle of shnopps. He will put it to good use!!!!!!
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