January 17, 2011 3:49 pm at 3:49 pm #594266Aishes ChayilParticipant
I would like to know, based on experience or just imagination, what examples can you think of which would lead you to terminate a friendship? (Please be specific rather than just listing misdemeanors like dishonesty, disloyalty etc)January 17, 2011 5:29 pm at 5:29 pm #729987Brooklyn YentaParticipant
bad influenceJanuary 17, 2011 9:31 pm at 9:31 pm #729988shimmelMember
BetrayalJanuary 18, 2011 12:57 am at 12:57 am #729989
sometimes nothing more than a miscommunication.January 18, 2011 12:59 am at 12:59 am #729990
sometimes you cant break it no matter how hard you try. that is the type of friendship we should all cherish.January 18, 2011 1:20 am at 1:20 am #729991bezalelParticipant
If you lend someone $20, and never see that person again, it was probably worth it.January 18, 2011 1:29 am at 1:29 am #729992deiyezoogerMember
The question should be, does this freindship make you a better/happier person or the opposite.January 18, 2011 1:43 am at 1:43 am #729993mewhoParticipant
dishonestyJanuary 18, 2011 4:09 am at 4:09 am #729994yentingyentaParticipant
Learning the hard way that the Person is unrelyable when they say they will take of somethingJanuary 18, 2011 4:23 am at 4:23 am #729995Brooklyn YentaParticipant
deiyezooger, git gezugt! is the person good for you or not. that is the question.January 18, 2011 4:29 am at 4:29 am #729996chayav inish livisumayParticipant
sometimes you cant break it no matter how hard you try. that is the type of friendship we should all cherish.
WINNY 1 PUMFAHKERT this is the type of relationship that you shud never make!! its extremely annoying if u dont want to be someones friend and they think u rJanuary 18, 2011 4:07 pm at 4:07 pm #729997Mayan_DvashParticipant
Bezalel, that was deep!
If he hits you in the face (even if he’s drunk).
I believe that honest Teshuva can reinstate the friendship.
;January 18, 2011 5:34 pm at 5:34 pm #729998
” this is the type of relationship that you shud never make!! “
I think what Winny 1 meant is, no matter how many ups and downs / rough spots you hit, you’re still friends.
p.s. – When we start a “What does it take to make a friendship” thread”, please let me know. I’ve got more to say on that topic than I do on the current one.January 18, 2011 7:55 pm at 7:55 pm #729999
BP Totty got it right. I have a friend that for the past 50 years our friendship has endured. Did we ever have an argument? of course we did. Did we ever become angry with each other for something or other? of course. But we realized we were both human and that humans make mistakes and that to forgive is one of Hashems middos that we are suppossed to emulate.January 18, 2011 8:50 pm at 8:50 pm #730000
“BP Totty got it right”
No, I’m not a Novi. But I do have a rolodex full of friends, just like the one you described.
Fight? Like cats a dogs. Argue? Like we’re about to draw a line in the sand. But pals till the end. And each of us would crawl across broken glass to help one another.January 18, 2011 8:56 pm at 8:56 pm #730001At home bubbieParticipant
When you have always been there for another person and the time comes when you need them to be there for you and they aren’t- I was dan kaf zechus for a long time, but eventually the relationship does fall by the wyaside- Much like in marriage- friends must give each other their all- there’s no tit for tat or 60/40- Sometime you’re the giver and sometimes you are the taker= When one side always takes or gives- it won’t lastJanuary 18, 2011 9:03 pm at 9:03 pm #730002
A true friend always gives and doesn’t look to take.January 18, 2011 9:12 pm at 9:12 pm #730003At home bubbieParticipant
Sorry- Bed-Stuy- you’re wrong- A true friend of which i am zocheh to have- must also take at times- you have to allow the other side to give to you. I don’t “look” to take, but that’s how friendship works and sometimes there are extenuating circumstances, such as medical conditions when a person isnT able to give and must takeJanuary 18, 2011 9:15 pm at 9:15 pm #730004
I specifically said “doesn’t look to take”.January 18, 2011 9:56 pm at 9:56 pm #730005
i was friends with a kid since we were in pre-school. our families bacame friends through us.we were the unseparable friends. when you heard my name, you heard hers and vs.
well sadly to say, we both got older, and in 8th grade my friend started doing the wrong things. she started hanging out with boys etc.it hurt me alot and i tried to ignore it, in middle of ninth grade, the entire school found out about her wrongdoings and i was forced to do something. i told her nicely how it hurt me and she was paranoid that i would break our friendship(because she knew my personality, how against these things i am)so she started ignoring me. and she started telling the whole grade whats going on, bec she thought i would tell everyone, so she wanted them to hear it from her first. before long it was a world war 3. the entire grade was taking sides, it was the talk of town, school, camp etc. obviously , everyone knew she was in the wrong, so before long she was alone, not a kid to talk to, she was so depressed. it hurt me so badly. a few month later, i got feedback that shes not hanging out anymore, so i called her to make up. we became back good friends. honestly, i knew she was still not innocent,(you can feel it in s/o’s personality) but i tried to push it away.
in 11th grade, word got back to my other close friend what shes doing. and my 3rd friend told me she doesnt wana have wat to do with her anymore. and that if im friends with frend #1, she doesnt wana have what to do with me either bec. its realy bad name.
i did some research as to wat friend #! was up to, and i found out that shes up to no good at all!!!!!!wayyyy worse ten i imagined. and i knew for sure it was true!!!!!!!!
and so i told her nicely, that thisis not the kinda life i want to lead, and as long as she has inappropriate friends, we cant be friends.
she, unwilling to change, said ok.
so thats where were standing right now.
do you think i acted appropriately?did i do the right thing?
please approve my post.
i would like honest opinins.
so please please post it and dont delete it!!January 18, 2011 10:16 pm at 10:16 pm #730006
Yes, you did the right thing, she is a bad influence.January 18, 2011 10:25 pm at 10:25 pm #730007
I don’t know.
Would you break off a relationship with your brother if he was a bad influence on you? With your mother?
I like to think my relationships with my friends are deep enough that I couldn’t break them for any reason.January 18, 2011 10:27 pm at 10:27 pm #730008
but im so nervous, that one day its gona b my responsibility if she gets worse.
and for some reason, because im not a mean person by nature…it hurts me to do it.
and were in the same class.
so everyday we sit together all day!!!
and if i try to make sweet frendly talk…she gets all friendly with me!!
which totally dfeats the purpose…because i dont wana have even the name of being her friend!!
but then again, i dont wana be mean!!January 18, 2011 10:39 pm at 10:39 pm #730009
but a brother and a friend is different.
if a brother has a badinfluence, then number 1, doesnt affect your name as being a bummy girl.
number 2. you psychologically say, what my brother does is not for me, you love him just because hes family, and you dont have to hang around him all the time.
but a friend is someone you hang around, someone you choose, so if their like that then that means you chose them, you appreciate such people. and because you enjoy your friends company, youll hang around her, and without meaning to or wanting, shell rub off on you.
chazal say “harchek meeshachen ra” for a reason.
and just btw, a good thing that came out of this story, i became way frummer, because i see her mistakes! hindsight is 20/20. i see it from outside ppoint of view and i dont want to fall into her trap!January 18, 2011 10:42 pm at 10:42 pm #730010
I don’t know about that either.
My friends are not just “people I choose to hang out with”. I have a relationship with them, which was developed for many years.
I could no more “divorce” them for being a bad influence, than I could for starting to bore me. They are my friends.January 18, 2011 10:47 pm at 10:47 pm #730011
popa, if G-d forbid one of those friends converted to a different religion, your friendship would withstand it?January 18, 2011 10:48 pm at 10:48 pm #730012Sister BearMember
I don’t envy you believer. That’s a tough situation.
How about telling her that you think she is still a good person (leave out the bad choices thing) and it’s hard for you not to be friends, but you are scared of getting influenced or something like that. WHATEVER YOU DO, DO NOT TELL HER IT’S CUZ IT’LL RUIN YOUR REPUTATION!!! That would totally not be good!!!
Ask her what to do about it? Like I still want to be friends with you but when you do x, y, z it bothers me…(choose what you like) so what can we do about it.
Appropriate use of all-caps. very good.January 18, 2011 10:48 pm at 10:48 pm #730013
I hope so. Would your relationship with your brother withstand it?January 18, 2011 10:57 pm at 10:57 pm #730014harosParticipant
anyone writing in this post would probably make a good friend. how do i follow up?January 18, 2011 10:59 pm at 10:59 pm #730015
popa, If G-d forbid someones brother did that, not only would the relationship not withstand it, the family would be sitting shiva for him.January 18, 2011 11:27 pm at 11:27 pm #730016
“she has inappropriate friends, we cant be friends.
she, unwilling to change, said ok.
do you think i acted appropriately?”
Yes, you did. She made the move to put a wedge between the two of you. Even after you offer to get her back on track, she says no.
That’s not a friend. That’s a 50 lb weight, chained to your ankle. It’ll sink you both.
Get out while you can, but make it clear that she is always welcome back, if she comes cleanJanuary 19, 2011 1:46 am at 1:46 am #730017eclipseMember
My ex secretly spoke to my friends while we were married.One admitted,one didn’t,one dropped it,one didn’t.Guess which one I am still friends with?January 19, 2011 8:29 pm at 8:29 pm #730018Aishes ChayilParticipant
What about openly flirting with your friend’s spouse??January 19, 2011 11:37 pm at 11:37 pm #730019eclipseMember
same idea.January 20, 2011 3:35 am at 3:35 am #730020Sister BearMember
I have a friend who is friends with a mutual friend who is not that frum anymore, but is still respectful and all (like she wears a skirt when she’s at home)
But my friend told this girl that I still want to hang out with you and think you’re an amazing girl and all but when I am with you, you need to do x, y, and z. (I’m not exactly sure how she said it but you get the gist.)
Maybe you can do that, tell her I want to hang out with you and still be your friend but you can’t do x, y, z, when I’m with you.
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