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I know this will sound stupid and will sound like just another girl confused and brain washed and everything…but I’m actually serious.
I have gone out with the real yeshivish guys, and that’s what I have been looking for and what I truly truly want. I have gotten serious with a few guys, and they ended for different reasons, one being a medical issue we found out about in the course of dating, and another was the guy chickening out and saying he’s not ready to get married.
I want someone who will learn, become a kli kodesh potentially, someone who goes into Chinuch, etc.
BUT… here’s the catch… there is a guy I have known my whole life. Pre-sem me always thought I would marry him. I never did anything wrong with him, just when our families would get together for yom tov and the likes we would shmuz and i saw we got along really well, enjoyed each other’s company, and agree on a lot.
But he isn’t what I’m looking for. He’s working, he’s a great guy but I don’t know how much he still learns. He would watch a movie here and there. Etc.
This is not a thread about whether working vs kollel is okay.
But I want to know what to do now…after a year and a half of being in the Parsha and dating the guys I’m looking for, things reconnected with this guy, as he came for a shabbos recently and we had a lot of time to get back to shmuzzing. And then things get worse, I set him up with a friend and that got us back in touch between references and technicalities and a whirl wind of all of that.
And now, they broke up and he is really sad…but the thought of course starts creeping up to me…maybe we should give it a try?
Maybe the hashkafic differences are not as drastic as I think…maybe it would be good?
I’m not making a decision off of anonymous advice from online, but just want to hear other people’s perspectives, maybe someone went through something similar?
First of all, it is good that you realize that such decisions cannot be left to heart/emotions alone, but are also using your logic.
Don’t know the right answer, if there is one, but here are some questions for you to think about:
Are you expecting him to change to be more like your vision of what you want to marry?
Would you be disappointed/frustrated if he doesn’t?
Does he feel the same way you do- sounds like he liked the girl you set him up with, is he even thinking in the same direction that you are? Having a friendship with a girl he grew up with may not mean anything to him.
Lots of girls date for years, and in the end marry someone they were not looking for, who didn’t have what they wanted but had everything they (didn’t realize that they) needed. Maybe this is such a case, but you have to honestly answer the above questions first. Others do marry the type they wanted, but then life circumstances change, and the plans/goals change accordingly, and they end up living very differently from what they had wanted. In your situation, you had least would not face such a surprise.
Hatzlacha!
Doesn’t sound like a good idea. If he’s not what you’re looking for, there’s nothing else to talk about.
“Maybe he’s my bashert” is not a reason to go out with someone.
And why isnt he looking for you?
YH -“But he isn’t what I’m looking for. He’s working, he’s a great guy but I don’t know how much he still learns. He would watch a movie here and there. Etc.”
And why isn’t he what you’re looking for?!?
This whole world that working guys aren’t good enough is just a sign of the times!
Once upon a time, no girl wanted a learning guy.
I wanted to sit and learn – not because it’s the PC.
But there are plenty that only do it because it’s the PC!
Too many questions here:
Is he interested in that way?
What’s his current involvement in learning?
What is his overall hashkafa in terms of lifestyle he wants to live (minyan, schools he would want to send his kids to, how he would want to raise them, etc.)?
These things can seem less crucial when you are just dating, but once married they can make a world of difference, if important to you. You have to trust and respect him religiously.
I think you need to ask more questions before seriously considering if he has potential or not.
There are so many ways to answer this.
One thing is why are you considering him? What state of mind? To me, it sounds like it’s out of desperation and he’s convenient.
If so, are you approaching one of the biggest decisions of your life from a healthy perspective?
Do you have the same goals? Same vision for the future? Would you be compromising your needs for the sake of getting married? Are you attracted to him as a person?
Have you talked about this to a third-party that isn’t invested in having you get married, and/or is more invested in you making a decision that is in your best interest?
“YH -“But he isn’t what I’m looking for. He’s working, he’s a great guy but I don’t know how much he still learns. He would watch a movie here and there. Etc.”
And why isn’t he what you’re looking for?!?
This whole world that working guys aren’t good enough is just a sign of the times!
Once upon a time, no girl wanted a learning guy.
I wanted to sit and learn – not because it’s the PC.”
My concern (more than the learning/working issue) is that he watches movies and you don’t even know how much he learns.
Regarding your comment, Health, about boys learning because it’s PC is not necessarily relevant since I assume that she wants a guy who is learning for the right reasons.
Also, the fact that there guys are more likely to learn today because it’s the thing to do doesn’t make it a bad thing. People are heavily influenced by society, far more than they realize. Most of the good things that people do are because of society. Better that people do good things because of society than bad things.
LU -“Regarding your comment, Health, about boys learning because it’s PC is not necessarily relevant since I assume that she wants a guy who is learning for the right reasons.”
Of course it’s relevant; because how would she know what his actual reason is!
“Also, the fact that there guys are more likely to learn today because it’s the thing to do doesn’t make it a bad thing”
No one said it was a bad thing! I wrote -“there are plenty that only do it because it’s the PC!”
I think you should write your ideas as to what your ideal husband should be, each day over a period of weeks. Remember that if he is a learner you will be supporting the family financially for the near future. Are you able to support the both of you? If not maybe you should consider someone who is working. Your opinions may change. After a month, review your writings and you will get a better understanding as to what you really want in a husband. You alone must decide if the boy is right for you.
As far as going to movies this maybe caused by his environment and he may watch it because his friend wants to. Likewise learning can be influenced by the environment,if everyone learns before or after Maariv he may also. He just has to be in the right environment. You need to find out what the boy’s ideas on married life are? As a shadchin you could probably ask him as you are trying to set him up with girls who fit his requirements. If you feel he is right for you try to get someone else to act as shadchin. Wishing you the best but you should talk this over with a parent or mentor before you go on a date with him.
Yeshivishhock- it sounds like you have a real dilemma on your hands. I very much sympathize with you.
I can’t offer you much in the way of advice or personal experience since I have never experienced this and do not know what I would do, and I have no idea what the right thing to do is either. (well, actually I can guess what I would do – I would almost definitely marry him, but only because I would be acting on my emotions, and not necessarily because it would be the right thing to do)
I am sure that there are people who have acted one way and are happy they did so, and others who acted the other way and are happy that they did so.
The one suggestion I would make is to remember that as Jews, we have to remember that the purpose of all our actions is to serve Hashem. When making any decision, the decision must be based on one factor alone: Will this bring me closer to Hashem or c”v, the opposite?
When it comes to marriage, that is definitely the most important question. It is also crucial to think about the kind of home you want to build and the way in which you want to raise your children. If you marry him, will you be able to build the kind of home you want and raise your kids the way you want to? Since that is the purpose of marriage, these are important issues to think about.
Right now, you are infatuated with him, but from what I have heard (no personal experience), infatuation may not be enough of a basis for marriage. A marriage has to be based on common goals and values.
I am not saying that the answers to these questions is definitely no. It is possible that you do share the same basic values. But it is something to think about.
kol hakavod for having the strength to spend the last year and a half dating other guys when you were really interested in dating this guy! You obviously have a lot of internal strength, since that must have been a really hard thing to do. I wish much continued hatzlacha in making the right decision, whatever it may be.
To Yeshishhock
I think you should speak to your Rav or mentor & ask what to do.
yeshivishhock – Decide if you are better off alone or with this guy who you know, and have much in common.
Chazal say “Tav L’meitan”, which means that women want to be married, and are better off being married.
I’ve heard there are two methods of dating, the Achashvairosh method, and the Bitachon method. The Achashvairosh method means that you check out everyone until you have everything you want, and the Bitachon method means that you look for the big things, and have Bitachon that the RBSO will care for the rest.
My red lines were Halacha, a supportive spouse and dedicated mother, able to stand up for herself mentally and intellectually, and not into Gashmius. I missed out on some things others would deem mandatory (ex. Kollel in EY for a few years), but it was well worth it. Your red lines may be different.
By saying he is a “great guy” means that you respect and like him. If I were you, I would do some self searching to see where my “red lines” were, and go out on a date (keeping informal contact is a horrid idea) and ask the tough questions. Otherwise even if you do marry someone else, you may always self-question.
Hatzlacha.
I think this entire story is being blown entirely out of proportion. I personally know of many people who had a detailed list of what they were looking for, only to realize that paper does not always transition well into the reality. If you think this may be an option, treat him like any other shidduch. Do some research, answer the basic questions you have, and then go out on a date. You’re not required to marry him after a date, and most of the important questions you have can only be answered by him, not through research.
** If you are worried about being blinded by infatuation, then write down your “red lines” before you date him, and make sure they check out before letting it get too far**
Have some faith in God people…
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