January 4, 2018 7:59 am at 7:59 am #1442610
IY”H our daughter is getting married later this month. This is our first wedding, and the chatan will be our first son-in law. For those with married children – what makes a good FIL? The chatan is a good kid, serious, nice, respectful, has a great sense of humor, and we share many of the same interests. He treats our daughter very well and is attentive to her. I know I’m not supposed to be his friend, but I don’t want to be overly formal either. Any ideas? (Seeking for serious answers!)January 4, 2018 10:26 am at 10:26 am #1442654JosephParticipant
A great shver always has a nice Dvar Torah to share with his eidem.January 4, 2018 10:29 am at 10:29 am #1442658ZionGateParticipant
Words from my late rabbi, a wonderful person, of whom many might have heard of:
” A father-in-law should keep his mouth shut, and his wallet open.”
Presumably, that goes as well for mother-in-law.January 4, 2018 10:29 am at 10:29 am #1442659
It is not an easy answer as my definition of a “good” shver is different from what my sister’s definition is. Try not to be critical of him. Just like you have to treat each of your children as individuals, so too your SIL and (future) DIL/SIL. I had a hard time adjusting to my shver A”H as he expected me to do things that he did not require of his own son (in kibbud av issues).
While it may not be the case yet for you, make sure you treat all your SIL’s the same way. My in-laws did not and it caused ill feelings. For example, they always paid for the other SIL’s lulav and esrog but never paid for mine or even offer to.January 4, 2018 11:49 am at 11:49 am #1442771jakobParticipant
give them their space & privacy, don’t get too involved in their private life but be there when they need helpJanuary 4, 2018 11:49 am at 11:49 am #1442810
” A father-in-law should keep his mouth shut, and his wallet open.”
Presumably, that goes as well for mother-in-law.
Nice, but no. We’re already had a frank chat with them about finances. My daughter and future SIL both know that we are not in a position to pay their bills. We’re not paying their rent, or their car insurance, or even cell phones. We told them we will help out where and when we can, but they should not rely on us for monthly stipends.January 4, 2018 11:56 am at 11:56 am #1442804The little I knowParticipant
Respect the bond and privacy of your children (daughter and SIL). Even in your home, they are entitled to interact with each other without your involvement. Hopefully they will want to do that. Recognize it, take note of it, and give HKB”H gratitude that they love each other.
This young couple is their own family, and you are only extended family. Let them spend Shabbos and YomTov wherever they wish, whether at the other sides home or at their own home. Invitation should open, but never, ever imposing your own needs on them.January 4, 2018 1:17 pm at 1:17 pm #1442847ZionGateParticipant
“Nice, but no. We’re already had a frank chat with them about finances.”
What he meant was , if one can afford it, and there those that can.
If not, then at the very least, do half… Be stingy with advise unless asked.January 4, 2018 1:23 pm at 1:23 pm #1442858
Let them spend Shabbos and YomTov wherever they wish, whether at the other sides home or at their own home.
Ha, they won’t be going to the other side’s home very often – they live 6 thousand miles away.January 4, 2018 1:46 pm at 1:46 pm #1442924
I have been thinking this over since my earlier response and was wondering…do you have any married sisters? What is your father’s relationship with them? If they have told you that your father is a good shver, then you have someone to model yourself after.
On the other hand, what is your father-in-laws relationship with you? If you feel he is a good shver, then you have someone to model yourself after.
Did you ever say to yourself, “I wish my shver didn’t treat me that way”? If the answer is yes then don’t treat your SIL in that manner.January 4, 2018 3:36 pm at 3:36 pm #1442998
I have one married sister. I think her husband and my Dad got along ok. The BIL can be argumentative at times, refusing to acknowledge any viewpoints other than his own (especially about halacha). I think my Dad usually changed the topic of conversation when this happened.
Both of my in-laws have been wonderful to me through all my years of marriage to their daughter. People make in-law jokes all the time, but I love my in-laws to pieces. They really stepped up for me when my parents both died fairly close together. They’re flying in for the wedding and are staying with us for four weeks.January 4, 2018 3:36 pm at 3:36 pm #1442999CTLAWYERParticipant
I disagree with the statement…………….
A father in Law should keep his mouth shut and wallet open.
A good father in law keeps his ears open and only opens his mouth to give advice when asked or if he sees a truly dangerous situation.
If your child is now old enough to get married, your child is old enough to make decisions and mistakes along with his/her spouse.
BTW> my mother Z”L always said a good MIL keeps her mouth shut and her refrigerator open.January 4, 2018 4:34 pm at 4:34 pm #1443025
takamamash: To me you have the best role model. Ask your shver his secret to getting you to feel this way about him. You will be one giant step closer to you goal.
Mazal tov and may the chuppa take place b’shah tovah u’mitzlachas and all your other children be zocheh to find their zivugim in the proper time.January 5, 2018 2:37 am at 2:37 am #1443447
Mazal tov and may the chuppa take place b’shah tovah u’mitzlachas and all your other children be zocheh to find their zivugim in the proper time.
Amen! Thank you!January 5, 2018 3:51 pm at 3:51 pm #1443567David111Participant
There’s hundreds of aspects to your question.
Here a small point on this issue:
Keep your mouth shut when the young couple does something stupid/irresponsible/immature. This includes not talking to your daughter behind her husbands back – not even a small comment or ‘suggestion’ This can undermine there marriage and put your daughter in a difficult position.
(I’m obviously refering to minor things and not if you have see real red flats that are of concern to your daughters well being..)January 6, 2018 6:49 pm at 6:49 pm #1443734JosephParticipant
One important Halacha for in-laws to keep in mind is that a wife must obey her husband over her parents but a husband must obey his parents over his wife. This is the Halacha regarding precedance about a person’s chiyuv of Kibud Av V’Eim.January 6, 2018 8:12 pm at 8:12 pm #1443749gabe_e12Participant
Most important thing you can do as a father in law, is to let your daughter know how amazing her husband is. Tell her every good point you see in him, tell her how lucky she is to have him as a husband, and how lucky you feel having him as a son in law. Everything else is not importantJanuary 6, 2018 9:46 pm at 9:46 pm #1443777from Long IslandParticipant
I think my husband is an excellent father-in-law. He NEVER criticizes them or anything he does to his wife (our daughter). He always tells his daughters that their husbands are their perfect fit for them !
He NEVER offers advice unless asked, and even when asked, he is very, very careful with his words.
He NEVER asks them about their finances
He often, praises their parental skills.
He loves them because his daughters do.
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