What Not to Share With Your Spouse
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- This topic has 42 replies, 34 voices, and was last updated 9 years, 2 months ago by 👑RebYidd23.
February 1, 2013 8:52 pm at 8:52 pm #608041
What are some examples of events it is best to not share with your spouse?February 1, 2013 9:11 pm at 9:11 pm #1000247
That you’re in witness protectionFebruary 1, 2013 9:12 pm at 9:12 pm #1000248truthsharerMember
Your other spouse. That one always causes fights.February 1, 2013 9:20 pm at 9:20 pm #1000249
Your ex’s wedding.February 1, 2013 9:26 pm at 9:26 pm #1000250supermeMember
SHARE E/T B HONESTFebruary 2, 2013 5:02 pm at 5:02 pm #1000251PosterMember
previous dating experiencesFebruary 3, 2013 12:56 am at 12:56 am #1000253Torah613TorahParticipant
I think a person should always try to show their best side to their spouse, but be supportive of them and not think about their faults.February 3, 2013 1:10 am at 1:10 am #1000254SaysMeMember
loshon hora or rechilusFebruary 3, 2013 1:38 am at 1:38 am #1000255CuriosityParticipant
That you had a horrible day in the office and the boss yelled at you.
Why ever should you keep this bottled up? Spouses have an obligation to be supportive of each other emotionally. If you can’t share the burden of a bad day with your spouse then who can you share it with? You should share everything with your spouse except things that may insult, alienate, or hurt them.February 3, 2013 1:44 am at 1:44 am #1000256EnglishmanMember
Don’t spread your misery to your spouse. Don’t get her worried over you possibly losing your job.February 3, 2013 2:39 am at 2:39 am #1000257WIYMember
Dont tell her how much money you have if it will cause her to spend too much and become a self absorbed conceited blank.February 3, 2013 2:48 am at 2:48 am #1000258yaakov doeParticipant
Your checkbook and credit card.February 3, 2013 2:49 am at 2:49 am #1000259funnyboneParticipant
Your opinion of the shvigger!February 3, 2013 2:49 am at 2:49 am #1000260oomisParticipant
Never share with your wife that your mother’s cholent is better than hers. Never tell your husband he is getting bald.February 3, 2013 2:50 am at 2:50 am #1000261
Why does everyone think it’s so black and white? There are differences between people, and some marriages have different dynamics than others, even successful ones.February 3, 2013 2:57 am at 2:57 am #1000262smartcookieMember
The only thing I don’t share with my husband is if I buy myself some chocolate. Then I’ll buy him his own, because half isn’t enough for me!
Otherwise, we share everything.February 3, 2013 3:39 am at 3:39 am #1000263yytzParticipant
This should be obvious, and I’m sure it’s not a problem for frum families, but a man should never say anything to his wife about the attractiveness of any other woman (or even confide in her that he’s having problems guarding his eyes). I’ve even heard it’s a bad idea to praise any other woman in any manner (even regarding positive character traits, etc.). A wife should really feel her husband only has eyes for him in every possible way.
Unfortunately, I think among non-observant or non-Jewish people who’ve never heard of the concept of tznius or guarding one’s eyes, it’s common for men to comment about other women (whether it’s celebrities or “real” people.) I think this causes a lot of fights and unhappiness.
Of course, one should also never say such things in front of one’s daughters. I read a story about someone getting plastic surgery who was doing it basically because, given the comments about other women she heard her dad making growing up, she felt she was worthless unless she had a certain kind of body. Very sad.February 3, 2013 6:42 am at 6:42 am #1000267ZeesKiteParticipant
I think to sum it up:
Don’t say anything that may make your spouse uncomfortable.February 3, 2013 7:58 am at 7:58 am #1000268locaMember
If u wouldn’t want Spouse to find out from someone else, u should probably share it yourself. Things always get out. Nobody wants to feel like their partner in life is hiding things from them.February 3, 2013 1:16 pm at 1:16 pm #1000269The little I knowParticipant
There is a huge difference between just not sharing something and keeping secrets. Among the comments here, especially those with traces of seriousness, there seems to be a bit of confusion. Having an aspect of one’s life that is secret and kept away from a spouse is a powder keg. The discovery is often enough to create major problems. Similarly, there are plenty of issues that one spouse can experience that are not needed in the interaction, and bringing them in can create wedges. A few mentioned about having a bad day at the office. There might be many ways to deal with this. Arriving home and mentioning it in the context of reaching out for support can be a positive thing. If the spouse then digs into the issue, offering opinions that are irrelevant, could create potential for conflict. So it’s not simple, but the distinction above is one of the basics in relationships.
Having separate bank accounts can work for some, but transparency is critical. Maintaining schedule structure with knowledge of where the other goes is a great idea, critical for many couples.July 3, 2013 12:43 am at 12:43 am #1000270eclipseMember
Rav Avigdor Miller(ztz”l) says don’t share things that will make it difficult to respect you for as much after hearing.It doesn’t mean you lie when confronted!! It means don’t make yourself look pathetic for no good reason.July 3, 2013 1:02 am at 1:02 am #1000271ObstacleIllusionParticipant
I heard once you shouldn’t tell your wife about an argument you had with your friend, because she’ll take it more seriously than you ever will.July 3, 2013 1:05 am at 1:05 am #1000272wastingtimeMember
ur thoughts bec they r always stupidJuly 3, 2013 2:03 am at 2:03 am #1000273rebdonielMember
Some things in life are best kept swept under the rug.July 3, 2013 2:33 am at 2:33 am #1000274WIYMember
Those kind of comments tend to come from trolls. From trolls I do shudder.July 3, 2013 2:51 am at 2:51 am #1000275SlichosGenendelMember
The little I know- There is absolutely no reason for spouses to share a bank account, only causes problems.July 3, 2013 4:11 am at 4:11 am #1000276cinderellaParticipant
I once read in one of the Jewish magazines that you are not supposed to share anything negative about yourself with your spouse. The author of the article gave the example of how you should not say something like “I’m so bad at math. I failed it in high school.”
Because then he may think badly of you. Except I think this is a bit extreme.July 3, 2013 5:16 am at 5:16 am #1000277jewishfeminist02Member
SlichosGenendel: Actually, we have found it very convenient to have a shared bank account. It means we can deposit checks written out to either one of us and it’s easier to keep track of our money since it’s all in one place.
We only keep separate bank accounts for gifts, so we can surprise each other for birthdays, anniversaries, etc. and not have those purchases show up on a joint statement.July 3, 2013 6:58 am at 6:58 am #1000278
I have read this thread, and:
?? ????? ??????? ?? ???: Toothbrush.July 3, 2013 7:12 am at 7:12 am #1000279ZachKessinMember
Don’t spread your misery to your spouse. Don’t get her worried over you possibly losing your job.
If there is a possibility that you might loose your job, you should share it with your spouse. Otherwise they will be blindsided when and if it happens. If you see a possible emergency you need to get ready, put aside some money etc. Think of Paro’s Dream and the 7 Fat cows and the 7 Thing Cows.
I find that my life is much better when my wife and I talk. And when I have a bad day at work, It helps to talk about it.July 3, 2013 11:59 am at 11:59 am #1000280The little I knowParticipant
If sharing a bank account “only causes problems”, the trouble in the relationship is deep, and not defined only by financial issues. Such a couple needs professional help, and it needs to address the issues not related to money. Such therapy, plus the requisite syatta dishmaya may allow this marriage to continue.July 3, 2013 12:29 pm at 12:29 pm #1000281oomisParticipant
My toothbrush. Otherwise, life is an open book in my house.July 3, 2013 12:56 pm at 12:56 pm #1000282OneOfManyParticipant
SlichosGenendel, The little I know: I think both of you are incorrect. Different people have different approaches to money management, and what works for one couple may not work for the next. If a couple feels pressure to adopt a method that isn’t really suited to them, I don’t think the resulting problems mean their marriage is cooked–just that they need to figure out and agree on something that works. (Of course, problems in a marriage can manifest in shared or discrete money management issues–I’m just saying that B doesn’t necessarily indicate A.)July 3, 2013 6:28 pm at 6:28 pm #1000283Torah613TorahParticipant
DY: Why does everyone think it’s so black and white? There are differences between people, and some marriages have different dynamics than others, even successful ones.
But no toothbrushes.July 3, 2013 7:11 pm at 7:11 pm #1000284temimusMember
Would you guys share a can of coke or a cup with your wife? If so, why wouldn’t you share that with your best friend? If not, why not?July 3, 2013 8:00 pm at 8:00 pm #1000285ObstacleIllusionParticipant
I would share a can of coke or a cup with my wife. I also do share those with (select) friends.January 24, 2014 1:41 am at 1:41 am #1000287
The fluJanuary 24, 2014 2:16 am at 2:16 am #1000288January 24, 2014 2:01 pm at 2:01 pm #1000289notasheepMember
Definitely not tonsillitis.
If you work in any job where confidentiality is important, then you can’t share anecdotes from work (unless you don’t include names). I am a teacher, and would never name a child or parent in any of my ‘stories from work’. There was one case where I didn’t name anyone for a long time, but then I was so hurt by how things came to a head that I ended up saying who it was. And we don’t talk about it any more.
SG, we do share an account, btw, it’s been very useful!January 24, 2014 4:09 pm at 4:09 pm #1000290🐵 ⌨ GamanitParticipant
Clothing. If you share you end up fighting over the fuzzy sweatshirts. It’s generally a good idea to have separate drawers altogether… That way if the husband wants to put a pair of socks that he only wore once back in the drawer, no problem!January 27, 2014 3:11 am at 3:11 am #1000291Drey kupMember
Things that she’ll misinterpret or misunderstand if told, even if explained.January 28, 2014 5:14 pm at 5:14 pm #1000292bookishParticipant
“DY: Why does everyone think it’s so black and white? There are differences between people, and some marriages have different dynamics than others, even successful ones.
But no toothbrushes.”
I have shared a toothbrush with my husband. We were away for shabbos, and I accidentally left mine at home. We couldn’t buy a new one because it was shabbos. Not ideal, but…I washed it thoroughly before and after I used it, and the world didn’t explode. We’re spouses, we share germs anyway.January 28, 2014 5:18 pm at 5:18 pm #1000293👑RebYidd23Participant
Every mosquito bite you ever got in your life.
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