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My son is about to go into the “market” This is my first son and the shadchan asked us what we were looking for as in what qualities. I was dumbfounded and so was my son we werent sure what type of qualities he was talking about. And also he asked us about what backgrounds we were looking at and being i only have sons he started listing seminaries in groups and i had no idea what he was talking about. Please help me
Are you serious? You got married didn’t you? You have a kid in shidduchim and you can’t imagine what type of qualities would be good in a girl?
Chazal say that two of the most important qualities to look for is a bas talmid chochom and baalas middos. Another very important quality is that she can cook well.
if your son cant figure out now what qualities he wants, he will have to learn on the job via dating many girls. but I would suggest that he maybe sit down and think about it, or else what is the point? and if he cant figure it out, maybe wait a bit longer. it wont kill him.
i suggest sitting down with your son (or maybe he would like to do this alone) and make a list of all the qualities he wants, then narrow it down to a few. make sure that these qualities are what’s important to HIM and not anyone else! were talking about HIS wife and HIS marriage -no one else’s.
@WIY
I think a father knows what to look for in a wife for his son. I think what he might not be sure of is the specific labels that seem to dominate frum life nowadays.
Because HaShem forbid that if you are a “Yeshivish But With It Hemishe” type family and you accidently indicate to the shadchan that you want a “Yeshivish Modern Kind Of Chasidish” daughter in law.
With the caste system that has been set up, it’s easy to accidently step down a rung in the social order. Hence the father trying to crowdsource the decision.
R’ Benzion Klatzko speaks of the 5 M’s in his shiur on Shidduchim (on TorahAnytime).
Middot are the most important, but he also points to (mammon) money, family background (mishpacha), shared goals, and other factors, as well.
Crisis
I’m not going to address what you said because I don’t think that has that much to do with the OP question. I’m just wondering why you have so much venom towards frum people. What did anyone do to you to make you hate us so much?
@WIY
Typical response.
I point out that there is a flaw in something I.E. the frum caste system designed to keep “undesirables” out of the gene/yichus pool and you take it as an “attack on frum people”
All I was pointing out that the subdividing and artificial strata among Jews (all Jews..not just “frum” people) has a huge negative effect on the next generation. People live in absolute terror of everyone and everything affecting their shidduchim and it borders on lunacy. So yeah I’m not happy about it and not afraid to comment either.
If I “hated frum people” I would go hang out on other sites where they hate frum people and we could all live happily ever after. However I comment and say things because I care deeply, the yiddishkeit that I grew up with is rapidly disappearing in favor of an ever growing amount of extremisim and trying to “build the ghetto walls higher then ever before.”
But go ahead, label me a hater of Torah or a rasha or whatever else you call someone who doesnt toe the line.
I just heard Rabbi Akiva Tatz address this topic at the Ramban shul in Yerushalayim. He said there are absolutes, non-negotiables which are universal, and negotiables, which are not universal but specific to each individual. The absolutes are that the person in question be Jewish, able to have children naturally or with the assistance of reproductive technology*), and sharing your Torah values (if not holding at the same level, as is often the case when BTs marry FFBs, they have to at least be growing in the same direction on the derech). There were just two non-negotiables: (1) chemistry: a basic attraction and sense of connection to the other person; and (2) character: the personality and character traits as perceived through observation of the individual interacting with family members and with you on your dates. The non-negotiables were: where to live, money issues, physical and mental health issues, in-laws, and all the many issues that everyone experiences and handles differently. R’Tatz also advised that for someone with medical issues to discuss, this information NOT be shared with a lot of shadhadnim, but with one trusted advisor (one’s rav, perhaps) who will not pass along the information indiscriminately; and that the medical issue(s) not be shared with the potential shidduch until after a few dates when the other person has been given the opportunity to get to know ALL of you and can put your health issues into the perspective of the whole picture of who you are and what you have to offer to the relationship. I thought it was excellent, practical advice. Hope this is helpful.
COW,
Typical dishonest deflection. Everyone here can read that you are the one applying labels.
And the screen name you have chosen itself shows your infantile biases.
“R’ Benzion Klatzko speaks of the 5 M’s in his shiur on Shidduchim (on TorahAnytime).
Middot are the most important, but he also points to (mammon) money, family background (mishpacha), shared goals, and other factors, as well.”
rebdioniel: Could you kindly share what part he says money should play as a factor in determining a shidduch? Is he saying money should or should not be a factor. And if it should, how should it be a factor.
I think chesronot only become chesronot when you allow them to become chesronot, or when you associate with people who view them as chesronot.
ummm i totally agree with crises.. thats how it is!! how can u not agree? hes just pointing out a negative aspect but its there
back to the question- do u have a list of things u dont want. personality traits that would clash? hashkafos? is he clear on his values?
rebdoniel: How does that answer my question?
Who and what exactly am I labeling? I was making fun of the ridiculous labels people try to classify themselves as.
listen to the speach on torahanytime
He says that money isn’t a huge factor, but that it can play a role, especially when your lifestyle comes into play. For instance, if a guy wants to learn for a few years after marriage, there arises a question asd to whether the mechutanim can support him. Things like that. So money becomes a factor when it affects lifestyle choices.
Guys, I wouldn’t take this guy so seriously…
I agree with crisis. He is just stating the obvious. Unfortunately that is how our society works – no reason for all the hate.
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