What to Talk About on a Bishow
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July 26, 2010 3:29 pm at 3:29 pm #698572
Rr-im really excited for you!! CR is great when you wanna share something but want to stay anonymous!!
Hatzlacha rabbah and keep us posted!July 26, 2010 9:00 pm at 9:00 pm #698573
Smart cookie –
I’m a bit confused. In today’s post, you’re all enthusiastic about RRs upcoming date (as are all of us, RR.. hope it went well!)
But back to you, cookie. In your post made before the weekend, you seemed to be skeptical. What gives?July 26, 2010 9:02 pm at 9:02 pm #698574blinkyParticipant
Thats cute-I was wondering the same thing but I didn’t want to say anything.July 26, 2010 9:02 pm at 9:02 pm #698575
Oh. I missed RR’s 2nd post.July 26, 2010 9:29 pm at 9:29 pm #698576
Just before the weekend, Philosopher made a valid point, that “go out daters” suffer from the surprise factor, just as much as “beshow” couples.
While that may be true, there is a vast difference. In the “go out date” system, the decision to get engaged is one that is arrived at after time spent (no, Kliobear, its not the same as time served 🙂 so the decision is YOURS. If there are bumps along the road, you have an incentive to work hard to get things back on track. Of course, you’re not in a vacume, and you can ask for help / advise from your parents / rov / mentor / cr, whatever.
But in a beshow setting, its essentially a done deal from the minute you walk thru the door, so if things aren’t rosy you freeze because you have nothing invested. And don’t tell me not so, because the timeline from entering shidduchim for the chassidishe oilam is too short to be anything but.
I should also point out (even though I think its pretty clear from my other posts) that my real beef is with the bochurim. The girls (both chassidish and litvsh) are head and shoulders above their male counterparts, when the age range is 19-21. So clearly, its the boys who need to step up to the plate, and until then, the girls are at the mercy of a system that needs to be updated (no pun intended)
And I have BOYS, so I’m not biased; I’m just being honest.
Lastly, to the posters who think I’m speaking from bitterness,and (even funnier was) the suggestion that I was raised in a restricive home let me assure you;
A) While I have some chassidishe flavor, I’m anything but a chusid and
B) In my childhood days, we had a TV, ate cholov stam, when to movies, ect. (Not that this has any bearing on the shidduch scene we’re discussing now.. I just thought it was a funny assesment of me. )July 26, 2010 10:15 pm at 10:15 pm #698577
BP totty- are you talking to me or cookie7 when you said ur confused? And if it was directed to me, what are you confused about?July 27, 2010 4:56 pm at 4:56 pm #698578
I did not see a post from Cookie7. The 2 posts I meant were one from 4 days ago and one from 1 day ago. If we’re in different time zones, the days might display differntly, but either way, I figured you (or whoever made the post) had a change of heart becuase RR had already gone out, was happy with the progress, so there was no point in staying skeptical.July 27, 2010 5:45 pm at 5:45 pm #698579
To all those who have been folloing this thread, there is an interesting, relevant development on the thread called “what to do bein hazemanim”July 29, 2010 8:27 pm at 8:27 pm #698580Pashuteh YidMember
I mangled the joke last week. I really apologize.August 3, 2010 10:07 pm at 10:07 pm #698581
i’m new to the coffe room but i really need help!!! I’m having my first date tom night…..any tips?!?!August 3, 2010 10:11 pm at 10:11 pm #698582YW Moderator-42Moderator
Try this: CLICK HEREAugust 3, 2010 10:18 pm at 10:18 pm #698583
thanks 🙂 any more tips or idea’s?August 4, 2010 1:33 pm at 1:33 pm #698584
curlygirl.. I know exactly how you feel!!!!! Just take a deep breath..and relax!!!!!!! It’ll be great! Just try concentrating on being yourself! Usually the boy has the lead, and starts the conversation. You just have to follow along, and make sure to talk! Just offer imformation about yourself, about school, work, your summer vacation, and anything else that comes to your mind. The first date should not be serious discussions!!!! Try not to look around too much, (especially if you’re in a hotel lobby..) It’ll distract you, and you’ll forget what you wanted to say. Just be yourself, and you’ll do great! G’luck!August 4, 2010 3:15 pm at 3:15 pm #698585
Thanks so much!!! I really hope it goes well!!!August 5, 2010 12:18 pm at 12:18 pm #698586fabieMember
I didn’t realize what a real nerd I am. It seems that I primarily beshowed. Do I have to get a gartel now?August 5, 2010 1:21 pm at 1:21 pm #698587
good morning curlygirl. so did you survive? how was it?August 5, 2010 3:57 pm at 3:57 pm #698588
it actually went pretty well bh!! i survived! thanx for the tips!! we’ll c what happens!!!!August 6, 2010 7:58 pm at 7:58 pm #698590bombmaniacParticipant
what to talk about on a bishow…let’s see…there’s teh weather…teh price of tea in china…teh difference in speed between grass growing and paint drying…August 8, 2010 4:18 am at 4:18 am #698591
Bomb- you can anytime discuss how to spell the word “the”…August 8, 2010 8:55 pm at 8:55 pm #698592bombmaniacParticipant
😀 i’ll remember that 😀 of course she may be a bit put off that i spend so much time on YW…LOL 😀
or…and this was especially prevalent during the presidency of our esteemed president William Jefferson Clinton…the definition of the word “is”August 9, 2010 5:56 pm at 5:56 pm #698593
was the date a go out type, or a bishow?August 10, 2010 1:18 pm at 1:18 pm #698594
it was 2 bishows but hopefully now it’ll be the go out typeAugust 10, 2010 1:30 pm at 1:30 pm #698595noitallmrParticipant
Are bishows not uncomfortable??? Dont like the sound of them reallyAugust 10, 2010 2:20 pm at 2:20 pm #698596
it depends…its only uncomfortable if its too long, cuz there are no distractions but if its up to 2 hours its fineAugust 10, 2010 3:18 pm at 3:18 pm #698597noitallmrParticipant
Wishing you much Hatzlacha and I hope you find your Bashert Bkorov…my tip on dating is to always keep a chilled head and remember however nervous you are he is just as nervous!!!August 10, 2010 5:50 pm at 5:50 pm #698598
amen!!! thanks!! I hope so too!! thats true!! who isn’t nervous?!?August 10, 2010 9:48 pm at 9:48 pm #698599
Pardon me for being nosy, Curly, but if the 1st two dates were bishows, am I correct in guessing that the 2 of you are more chassidish than litvish / yeshivish? Or has the bishow been brought over to the yeshivish world? Or is this taking place outside of america, where the formatt is different?August 11, 2010 12:04 am at 12:04 am #698600sof davar hakol nishmaMember
BP totty STOP labeling! there are people who are NOT chassidish and do beshows. open up your eyes! the world is a bit wider than just BP!August 11, 2010 1:30 am at 1:30 am #698601
neither of us are yeshivish…more to the heimish side…August 11, 2010 10:32 pm at 10:32 pm #698602
Are you talking about the shidduch scene here in America? Beause the last time I checked, 99% of non-chassidish dates are the go out kind (lobbys, parks, zoos, ect) and 99% of the chassidish dates are sit-ins. If you have more timely info, I’d love to know about it.
Curly – Heimsh can mean anything, but in my world (yes, sof, that menas BP) that means you / he will wear the chassidish levush, but do not necessarily belong to a chassidus. If that’t the case, I’ll move on to my next questionAugust 12, 2010 1:16 am at 1:16 am #698603sof davar hakol nishmaMember
BP i’m talking about pple in Europe, Eretz Yisroel and YES America. I know of people who are not chassidish, and not heimish – according to your definition at least, who do sit in style too. Maybe overall, chassidim do sit ins and no going out but there are people who are not chassidish who do sit ins too.August 12, 2010 1:41 pm at 1:41 pm #698604
bp yeah thats basicly the case….now u can go on to your next question….August 12, 2010 2:50 pm at 2:50 pm #698605
I have no idea on the system used in EY or Europe, so I cannot comment on that. America however is my home turf, so unless you’re talking about the super-duper ultra yeshivish crowd or children (grandchildren?) of rabbonim / rosh yeshiva, the “bent down brim” crowd goes out. (for the most part at least).
Now, on to my next question:
Curly – Although I / my family do not wear the full geshtell, living in 11219, we know a great deal about the “heimish” crowd who will opt for a Shtramel / bekkisheh, yet are not directly tied to a particular chassidus.
That said, internet (and TV/movies/ mixed swimming, ect) are probably big time no-nos in both your background and that of your chosson. Yet, you seem to be ok with interacting on the CR. Fine. So are all of us.
But what would be the reaction to finding out (after the tenioyim) that the chosson is a regular visitor to this (or any other) on-line forum? Not a pleasant surprise, I would imagine.
This is why I am such a critic of the beshow in today’s “flexidish” market. On the one hand, there is every expectation that both parties at the beshow will be on the same page in terms of commitment to living a chassidish lifestyle. Yet, one of the parties (in this case, you) is quite comfortable on-line. Is your chosson just as comfortable? Hard to tell, if you only meet in a 1-2 hour, very controlled, very supervised setting.
Getting out for a day, in the outside world (like a park) would give you each a chance to see how the other operates in “real-time”. Again, the beshow worked (and still works) fine when both parties were cut from the same pattern. But when one (or both) has outside influence, that’s a varaiable that should be known in advance. And there is little chance this can be determined in a 2 hour meeting.
Since you seem to be headed for a “go out” date, you should be fine. Just keep your ears / eyes open. The last thing you want in a spouse is someone who is not on the same page as you. The prospective mechutonim need to meet? Let them. But the two of you need some space to see what each are really thinking, not what the script says.
Another good litmus test: watch his driving habits. Tells you loads about his personallity.
Hatzlocha! (or as they say in 11219, Hatzlucheh!)August 13, 2010 4:39 am at 4:39 am #698606oomisParticipant
“Another good litmus test: watch his driving habits. Tells you loads about his personallity. “
The best indicator, if it gets to a restaurant date, is how he treats the wait staff.August 17, 2010 3:04 am at 3:04 am #698607lol…Member
Curlygirly, are you engaged yet? How did the date/bishow go? Please let us know when your engaged so that we can share in your simcha!!August 17, 2010 3:49 pm at 3:49 pm #698608
Hi all of you! I actually get a mazel tov!!!!!!! (hopefully I’m not giving myself away, I’m hoping there was more than one vort last night!!!!) Thanks for all your help!August 17, 2010 4:01 pm at 4:01 pm #698609WolfishMusingsParticipant
The WolfAugust 17, 2010 4:10 pm at 4:10 pm #698610
Mazel Tov! Just 2 weeks into the process and ta-da! A kallah!Looks like the Beshow route has merits after all. And by next summer, you and big sis can to a multi-family trip to NH.
EDITEDAugust 17, 2010 4:10 pm at 4:10 pm #698611blinkyParticipant
Mazel tov!!!August 17, 2010 4:17 pm at 4:17 pm #698612HelpfulMember
Rryr – Mazal Tov!! Where can we all come?? 🙂August 17, 2010 4:32 pm at 4:32 pm #698614
BP Totty..thanks for your sarcasm..truly appreciated! Just so you know, we dated for 3 weeks. My chosson is from out of town, and we saw no reason to push it off any longer. We made one big event last night..vort and all..and we’re working on a wedding date sometime in November…(don’t think a family trip will work that fast!)August 17, 2010 5:15 pm at 5:15 pm #698615
Oh, pay no mind to me.. I’m just being my grouchy old 40+ year old self (my chosson days are a distant memory!)
I’ll tell you what I tell all new members to the marrige club: its not as easy as the singles think it is, and not as hard as the marrieds make it sound. B’hatzlocha!August 17, 2010 7:17 pm at 7:17 pm #698616
Mazel tov! That’s some nice news in the CR!
I’m really happy for you!!September 14, 2010 12:52 am at 12:52 am #698617mosheroseMember
“Simple. Just do it yourself. Don’t impose it on the rest of the Litvishe (or any other non-Chassidic) world.”
Wrong! It should be set up for all of klal yisroel. Besides preventing couples from going out on dates for years like you did, it will also stop the husband and wife from becoming too close after their married.September 14, 2010 1:57 am at 1:57 am #698618HashemLovesMeMember
mosherose what’s that supposed to mean? aren’t a husband and wife supposed to be so close after they are married? i’m not sure i understand what ur trying to say. please explain.September 15, 2010 4:58 am at 4:58 am #698619eclipseMember
HashemLovesYou: The poster prob. meant UNTIL after their[sic]married.(sic means that’s the way he said/wrote it- not that it’s “sick”!)P.S.THEY’RE is also what he meant.September 15, 2010 8:41 pm at 8:41 pm #698620
Eclipse- without doubt, he did mean it very literal”after they’re married”.September 15, 2010 9:06 pm at 9:06 pm #698621emoticon613Member
i actually like bishows better too, but i do appreciate going out to somewhere, a bench in a park or wtvr, after the first two to break the tension and see if there’s possibility for connection in a lighter manner.
i’m yeshivishe, though, so i will go out if the boy prefers it. but only to certain places.September 16, 2010 3:04 am at 3:04 am #698622eclipseMember
smartcookie:really?September 21, 2010 1:00 am at 1:00 am #698623mosheroseMember
I meant after. Yur wife is NOT yur friend. Shes a partner with you in raising a family but shes not there for you to hang around with. Al Tarbeh Sichah still applies. She has her friends and you have yurs. She has her social circle and you have yurs. Yes you need to talk to run the house and make desicions, but beyond that, there is no need for stam talking between man and wife.
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