November 16, 2010 6:14 am at 6:14 am #593058Yoish Im Telling youMember
A family friend/neighbor wants to redt you a shidduch. This parents of this prospective shidduch is a really close friend of your neighbor/friend.
Your neighbor friend Mrs. so and so mentioned it to your parents and they think ok, it sounds good to us but we need to discuss it with our son/daughter. Son/daughter listens and doesnt think it is for them. The son/daughter knows that they will have to soon face this friend or neighbor and this shidduch will be “sold” and pushed onto them by this friend or neighbor and it will be hard to say no and son/daughter doesnt want to cause any hard feelings. Son/daughter dreads this upcoming conversation.
What would you do? How does one say no or what is the best way to tell this neighbor/friend that you arent interested in a nice way?November 16, 2010 2:20 pm at 2:20 pm #709631arcParticipant
nice and rude arent the only options. firmly tell them we dont think it’s for us and please dont discuss it with our child.November 16, 2010 2:42 pm at 2:42 pm #709632
You say I don’t intend to pursue it at this time.
Alternatively, you say you are thinking about it and never get back to them.
If they are pushy, you say, “you are being rude”.November 16, 2010 2:53 pm at 2:53 pm #709633
Easy way out is to say, “right now, I’ve got something else pending and is very imminent, and don’t tie myself up. And thanks for keeping me in mind! Should this not pan out, I’ll be back in touch.”
The “redder” knows they are being thrown a red herring, but at least it was thrown with mannersNovember 16, 2010 3:04 pm at 3:04 pm #7096341st timerParticipant
How about just going out for the sake of “you never know” and then dealing with what MIGHT happen afterwards, afterwards!November 16, 2010 3:46 pm at 3:46 pm #709635not IMember
popa_bar_abba That is pathetically rude! No one likes to be misled into thinking you are really interested.November 16, 2010 3:50 pm at 3:50 pm #709636
I sort of agree with 1st timer in as so far that a “date” should not be viewed as walking off the plank, that it either works or you get tossed to the sharks.
If a date between to people that know each other does not work out, both sides should be adult enough to face each other the day after.
Then again, if maturity were a component of the young frum dating pool, the whole scene would look different.November 16, 2010 4:10 pm at 4:10 pm #709637not IMember
I think it is worse to go out and then the answer would be no and the facing the person problem is much worse!! As well still misleading him into thinking that you are interested.. Ppl get offended or hurt.. Is that worth it cause you never know what could happen!?November 16, 2010 4:13 pm at 4:13 pm #709638gavra_at_workParticipant
Depends if it a girl or boy.
Girl would be nuts to give up a date in most cases. If I was the parent, I might try to convince my daughter myself.
Boy who has a list can just say I will put her on the list.
Boy who has no list, what do you have to lose?November 16, 2010 4:15 pm at 4:15 pm #709639oomisParticipant
“Easy way out is to say, “right now, I’ve got something else pending and is very imminent, and don’t tie myself up. And thanks for keeping me in mind! Should this not pan out, I’ll be back in touch.”
BP Totty, that is precisely how we handed sucjh a situation recently, almost verbatim. A friend wanted to set my son up with a daughter of a close friend of hers. She thinks the girl is “gorgeous, brilliant, charming” etc, etc. She is a nice girl, but as it happens, my son knows her through various organizations at which he volunteers, so he has gotten to see her under more socially casual circumstances. Certainly enough to know that after several meetings, he is not interested in going out, though he says she is a very nice person.
The friend was pressing me, and it turns out that it is because the girl already likes my son. Both my son and we, did not want to unnecessarily hurt her feelings, so we told the “redter” that he is currently in the middle of something that is pending, and we are not sure where it is going yet, but we are so flattered that they thought enough of him to suggest the shidduch. I also added that I would not want to hold the girl back from her other suggested shidduchim, as I do not know if and when my son will be available in the near future, but should it become shayach at any time, I will check back with them, if she is still available herself.
Also, regarding your statement BPT about “If a date between two people that know each other does not work out, both sides should be adult enough to face each other the day after” – that is a problem that has been created by the process of a SHADCHAN doing all the date arranging.
If the kids were to be responsible for setting up the dates between themselves (as we used to), by the guy getting the girl’s number and actually (horrors!) calling her himself, and then if the decision is made not to go out again after the first few dates, and the shadchan would not be the one to handle it, MAYBE the kids would learn how to be real adults handling real, adult problems in a real, adult manner by talking toe ach other about it.
We are infantilizing our kids.November 16, 2010 4:16 pm at 4:16 pm #709640
Firstly, I was suggesting it where you thought the other party was going to be pushy and nosy.
Secondly, it is not rude ever. The neighbor has no vested interest, you have no obligation to tell them your intentions.November 16, 2010 4:24 pm at 4:24 pm #709641gavra_at_workParticipant
The friend was pressing me, and it turns out that it is because the girl already likes my son.
Hate to point this out, but this is a point for separation of genders for “various organizations at which he volunteers”.
(I assume NCSY type?)November 16, 2010 4:36 pm at 4:36 pm #709642arcParticipant
oomis if anything with a shadchan there’s less of a reason to worry. they wont mingle in the same circles and the shadchan breaks the news. win and win.November 16, 2010 5:06 pm at 5:06 pm #709643whatrutalkingabtMember
Although it is nice manners to say no by saying youre busy, I hated it when boys mothers would say that to me – Id rather them say no and move on with life.
When I redt shidduchim now also it grates on my nerves. If your answer is no than say no. Dont say we are still looking into it. Dont push me around and make me feel like an idiot calling you back to find out.November 16, 2010 6:06 pm at 6:06 pm #709644
First, many shadchanim don’t take no very well. It is not unreasonable to push someone off if it is the only way to avoid a long debate.
Secondly, “maybe” is not “no”. It means not now. Deciding who to date requires a judgment of the available options, and something may become a better idea when in the future it is compared with different options.
Some people seem to have this notion that every date idea should be given a simple yes or no on a “first come” basis. That is absurd.November 16, 2010 6:22 pm at 6:22 pm #709645says whoMember
I think the right thing is to say no. Tell the shadchan in a nice way that you don’t want to share the reason with him/her, this way you won’t go in to any debate. Pushing it off by any excuse is not the best idea because sooner or later you’ll have to face the problem again.November 16, 2010 6:57 pm at 6:57 pm #709646nachasMember
I had a similar situation with my daughter. A friend of mine and her son was interested in my daughter. For different reason he was not what I wanted for my daughter and she was not interested either. I knew that if I said outright no they would be very hurt and insulted. I knew what my friends son was like in terms of personality and how frum he is so I told them we are looking for the opposite. That did the trick they stopped asking.
Then another friend came along with a son and they were interested in my daughter, I did not think this boy was for her either but I like the family very much and know many of his siblings so my daughter went out just because they where pushing it(in a nice way) and my daughter had no one else at the moment and they hit it off so well they got married and we are so happy with him. So you really dont know.November 16, 2010 7:31 pm at 7:31 pm #709647
no one here suggested that the answer be “we’ll think about it, and get back to you”
The answer was, “not right now, and if things change, we’ll get back to you”
That way, no one is hurt, and it leave the door open for nachas’s senarioNovember 16, 2010 7:39 pm at 7:39 pm #709648frumladygitMember
I have learned the hard way through life experience to be FIRM but Polite. You must never ever be intimidated by anyone. Anytime.Never live your life for others.
Why do you have to dread anything? You have not done anything wrong, except to use your entitlement of better judgment in shidduchim for your kid. If anyone is doing anything that they may later on dread or regret when bumping into you, it should be that neighbor who wants to redt the shidduch, cause what right does she have to go calling up the grandparents??? Excuse me?
They have already married off their kids.
And what about being pushy? Doesnt that call for being embarassed in hindsight?
I am so dumbfounded by the lack of mentchlichkeit, honesty, integrity and a whole other long list of words that sum up the qualities I have found in shadchanim because of their need to make a few $$. You wouldnt believe some of the garbage I have had to put up with. Like for example, i have a shidduch redt to me for my daughter and they start out saying he is a such and such type of chasid and then as I kindly explain that its not for us, as we are of such and such a breed, she later on changes what Rebbe he holds by and that “oh in fact he is a suchandsuch chasid actually”. Oh please! I called my sources and verified he isn’t by the way. They should not lie.
Never be intimidated. As long as you are always firm but polite you will not regret your actions or words. Just kindly say, thank you very much but we are not interested in this at this time. For example
Parent of kid in parshah” No…… we are not interested.
Shadchan: Blah blah blah
Parent of kid in the parshah: Thank you very much for your call and for the thought, but we are not interested.
(repetition does get through to those who try to wear you down)
Shadchan: But he’s a good catch, a talmid, true? true!
Parent of kid in the parshah: Mmmm hummm. I see. Well, thats’ nice but we aren’t listening. Thank you.November 16, 2010 7:57 pm at 7:57 pm #709649
Reminds me of when you call a credit card and after you finish your business, they are supposed to read you a whole megilla.
I interrupt them, say “is my business taken care of?”; they answer yes; I say, “I’m hanging up now, good bye”.November 16, 2010 7:58 pm at 7:58 pm #709650says whoMember
You couldn’t be more right.
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