Whats with the Interrogation anyways?

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    Help me understand something. I really don’t get it.

    I find that in my charedi world of ladies- when I engage in conversation with an acquaintance say, whom I don’t really have much closeness with, she may try to feign a interest in my life by asking a flood of questions which comes across as interrogating..

    For example, one of my daughters is a kalla. Yea, mazel tov.

    So this lady calls me up, and says “I am just checking up on you…You know like hows it all going, the plans and preparataions etc. “

    So enthusiastically with a bounce to my voice, (even though I am already hesitant and skeptical about “being checked up on” I repsond joyfully yes how excited it all is…etc.

    Then comes the “none-of-your-business-whats-the-point-of-these-questions-type-of-questions”.

    Interogation Lady: So, have you been doing much shopping?

    Me: yeah, sure (meanwhile, I haven’t done as much as I would like for $ reasons).

    Interrogation Lady: Such as what.?

    Me: well you know she ordered the hair covering gear and we were at the chasuna mall

    Interrogation lady: So how will she go covered? Up or down, left or right?

    Me: well, you know…kids today are going like this and that

    Interrogation Lady: Wow, my aunt is going to do shopping for her kalla this sunday, silk scarves, wardrobes and all…have you got yours yet?

    Me: ( ready to puke from the bragg fest and yet feeling bad that NO I haven’t got $20,000 to spare for that) So I respond “Oh,, well we will im yirtze Hashem.”

    My bottom question is what the heck do people care? Why do they run these questions down? What is the point? Like you go to a chasuana, stand around the kalla, “Who did your hair? WHo did your makeup? where’d ya get your dress”?

    What do you care? Just go make a bracha at the kabalas punim table! LEave her alone. Its so ooooo annoying to have to repeat the same answers to everyone. And what do they care anyways?

    Get a life!


    Do you feel better now?


    yeah, a bit. But I need validation through CR!


    Knowledge is power, they squeeze you for info and then “share” it with their friends sounds like she is just common gossip, there’s a woman i work with every time someone enters the office she will press them for info on anything and everything and then if she sees them again in a few days she says oh how was your grandnephews upsherin it gives her a sense of control as if she is saying i know all about your life, i don’t blame u for being upset it is a big chutzpah.


    I agree 100% (in my experience for other things). I usually feign ignorance… and b”H works for everything! bad/good, vague, works like a charm. if they pry, “Oh, you know, baruch Hashem, you know”

    I hate smalltalk too. It’s all sheker.

    always here

    to: I can’t bring myself to write your name, & I’m not gonna shorten it cuz my screen name has always been shortened by peeps here in the CR to ‘always’ 😉

    I agree with you 100%. this prying/interrogation has also always gone against my grain & is a pet peeve of mine.

    my solution? I answer succinctly… answer what I choose to and refuse to be pulled into another’s line of questioning. sometimes they are just speaking to hear the sound of their own voice; besides for that, I don’t feel the need to supply info to another just so they can pass it on.

    you must be a kinder, gentler soul than I 🙂

    always here

    haha. maybe I could have referred to you by your subtitle, lol 😉


    Always runs -I’m sure this isn’t the first time you’ve met such a person, but not going into whether she was entitled to ask her questions or not, why did you let her go on? Even if her questions were appropiate, but you don’t feel comfortable answering them, then don’t. This obviously got your goat, so why play the part of I must answer because she asked? Why are we so scared to act the way we feel? I could go on & on, but I think you understand my point!

    “So enthusiastically with a bounce to my voice, (even though I am already hesitant and skeptical about “being checked up on” I repsond joyfully yes how excited it all is…etc.”

    But WHY??


    Sorry, I don’t see anything so terrible with what she asked. She seems friendly to me.


    Mazal Tov!


    First of all,mazal tov on the engagement of your daughter! This is a beautiful s thing so don’t take it for granted. Second of all,through your happiness,it seems that some jealousy is getting out,and this can spoil the simcha. You have your reasons for shopping/not shopping and that’s fine. Please don’t let this person or the many like her,spoil a wonderful time for you. At this point in the game you pretty much know what you can or cannot afford. So go with that. There’s no need to look at others and say ‘ they have an extra 20 grand tospend on silknscarves.’ You know,peer pressure doesn’t end when we get out of school. And this would be a good lesson to impart to the kallah. Ther will always be someone that has more and even less.but be happy with what you have,as I’m sure you already are, just keep the attitude in check. Yes,people in our community are nosy yentas,and no,there is nothing you can do to stop it, yentas have been around since the beginning of time! This woman had no right to interrogate you,you are for sure right. But the underlying complaint I’m hearing is ‘I wish I had more cash so I could get more stuff’. I think you gotta lose the attitude that youre missing stuff,and you need to be more happy with what you DO have.


    always runs with scissors fast-First of all Mazal tov. May you have tons of yiddishi nachas. Zulsti interfirin alleh kinder inter di chippi gizintiheit.

    Some people you just can’t explain. So, when you recognize that you are in for the 3rd degree, why not try to turn the conversation around. wait for her to take a pause(usually to catch her breath) and ask her about herself. Most people(especially the type you just described)just love to talk about themselves. In fact they are infatuated. Let them drone on for a few minutes while you go about your business, make sure to say uhu once every 60-90 seconds and then tell her you’re really charmed but unfortunately you gotta run. Ahh, the beauty of the telphone.

    always here

    selicha for my omission! … a hearty Mazel Tov!! 😀


    some people just seem to be the ‘newsroom’, they love knowing everything first, they grab the polite reaction you have to a question to make them the ‘knowledgable’ source of exactly how you feel-you can even see it in little kids, there’s always the kid in the bungalow colony who reports all the breakfasts and all the plans. It’s hard to know what to say to them-smile politely, distract the conversation, preferably to a public bit of excitement, and send them on.

    Don’t take it personally, and don’t get roped in for the interview. It’s so frustrating when you hear back that that the simple sentence you said about deciding which school you are thinking about, comes back to you as, I heard Ruchie is going out of her mind because she can’t her kid into school.

    I find the previous comments here very accurate- your budget and spending decisions are really none of her business-don’t sweat it, nobody gives a hoot about how expensive your shoes were at the sheva brochos. Your smiles, your appreciativeness of everybody’s joy in your simcha, your welcoming attitude at the wedding is what will make the simcha beautiful.


    I have an acquaintance (who by the way considers herself a very close friend of mine) who needs to know EVERYTHING! But try asking her a personal question. Think you get an answer? uh uh! I’ve learned my lesson. She gets no important info from me. Some ppl need to feel important. To them, knowing everything about everyone makes them important. You can almost feel sorry for them.

    Anyway – Mazal Tov on your daughter’s engagement. You should have lots of yiddishe nachas!

    btw – so how much is this all gonna cost you? LOL 🙂


    Mazel Tov and ignore Yenta questions or answer in a way that one will get the message to mind their own business.

    There are certain people who want to know everything about others but don’t dare offer or answer any of themselves. When talking to such, i for example, when asked howmany children i have, the answer will be as many as Hashem gave us.

    In listening to a lecture on such as Loshon Hora and Richilus, the speaker who had a sense of humor, in her English accent said,”Hashem gave you one nose and it belongs on your face,not in other peoples pots”. It is your choice to answer or not. When our son was engaged someone asked if he’ll put on long (meaning a long rekel), my husband answered “sure, when it’s cold he’ll wear long johns”. After such answers, the yentas should/will get the message.


    Sometimes it pays to offend people so badly they don’t want to talk to you anymore. Just saying.


    I dont see what is the big deal with what she is asking you. she is just a friendly lady trying to make conversation. as long as she does not get very personal don’t make it into a big deal

    always here

    dunno & adorable~ there’s ‘friendly’ & there’s ‘intrusive’. as you get older you’ll see there is a big difference. I love warm, friendly people but others, (passive-aggressive for example), not so much.


    I think a certain part of it comes from people who don’t want to say anything about themselves so if they ask you its a lot safer than maybe having to answer a question… And then there are some people who are just trying to make conversation…

    (But I don’t like it either. Sometimes I’m convinced theres a machine asking the questions instead of a person.)



    wow. thanks everyone. I feel healed in a sense just knowing that there are other folks out there who dislike and disapprove of these bad social mannerisms, as I do. Because I did not grow up with this, (becasue I did not grow up frum) it is especially distasteful to me. In my circles, of goyishkeit it actually would have been made fun of and considered ill etiquette, and caused bad reputations amongst the low lives who do this to others.

    But somehow when its heimishe, and anyways you are neighbors with these types, its a social norm.

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