December 5, 2011 12:09 am at 12:09 am #600985
What do you do if the shadchan pressures you to go out with someone you don’t think is suitable and you want the shadchan to start working on other people for you.
What’s a good line that let’s them understand that and keep on looking for you?
Do they always get annoyed if you say no????December 5, 2011 12:16 am at 12:16 am #833651yentingyentaParticipant
talk to Dr. pepper (is he even around anymore?)December 5, 2011 1:40 am at 1:40 am #833652
his ‘ears’ might just perk up.. just watch;P!!! now that I said this possibly not..lol!!December 5, 2011 1:50 am at 1:50 am #833653
be softspoken, sweet but stern, and don’t let them rule you around..she/he is a sales rep and it’s your life! You have every right to refuse an offer you are not interested in. Just make sure not to be foolish about it, make sure you’ll never regret after making a decision either way! Hatzlocha!!December 5, 2011 2:00 am at 2:00 am #833654popa_bar_abbaParticipant
A shadchan should be willing to respect your wishes. If they aren’t, you should tell them to stop calling you.December 5, 2011 2:11 am at 2:11 am #833655rcParticipant
thank you so much for thinking of me, but this is not going to work out. perhaps you can suggest someone with…… more…… whatever. be specific, dont beat around the bush.December 5, 2011 2:05 pm at 2:05 pm #833656yahudMember
pretend there is a reason that person isnt suited that you cant devulge to him, i promise u, his deflated ego wont let him bring it up againDecember 5, 2011 5:19 pm at 5:19 pm #833657
It’s tough explaining to the shadchan if they just don’t “get it”. The thing is I know this shadchan knows pple (more my type) but is stuck on this shidduch idea (because our families are similar!)if I say yes, then go out and say no is that right?December 5, 2011 5:42 pm at 5:42 pm #833658zaidy78Participant
Maybe because your over 30 and NASI is promising that you’ll fork over 13K and in todays economy everyone needs some extra cash.December 5, 2011 6:32 pm at 6:32 pm #833659alterbochurParticipant
If this is your first time dealing with him or her then id give them a bit of a break but in my experience ive found that if you are forthcoming and articulate and clear about whats important to you and you dont feel that they are getting it (which seems to be the case because youre being pushed into something you dont feel is for you)then its a lost cause and youll probably never reach a mutual understanding.
I have coined a phrase and i think its appropriate here and its as follows- “a gut’e shadchan iz nisht einer vus ken reddin uber einer vus ken herrin”. My yiddish isnt the greatest but i think it makes the point. I feel shadchanim develop premature ideas about what they think a particular boy or girl needs and frivolously redd them based on their limited understanding when really they need to listen and establish a complete understanding before mentioning any names otherwise both sides are wasting their time. May you be matzliach and find the richtige bkarov!December 5, 2011 7:00 pm at 7:00 pm #833660oomisParticipant
Find another shadchan if this one is too pushy and does not respect your decision.December 5, 2011 7:18 pm at 7:18 pm #833661Yserbius123Participant
You should have more than one shadchan. Chances are, this shadchan doesn’t have that many guys/girls that are suited for you, so he/she keeps pushing the one that is.December 5, 2011 7:41 pm at 7:41 pm #833662apushatayidParticipant
Just say no, this is not suited for me. This should be more than adequate for a rational person.December 5, 2011 7:42 pm at 7:42 pm #833663Think firstMember
Usually explaining why u don’t feel its right for you will help. If a shadchan can’t respect ur decision after that get a new one.December 5, 2011 8:05 pm at 8:05 pm #833664Think firstMember
Usually explaining why u don’t feel its right for you will help. If a shadchan can’t respect ur decision after that, get a new one.December 5, 2011 8:30 pm at 8:30 pm #833665
I said I know from my experience it’s not for me and then the shadchan said oh you don’t know, why don’t you give it a date and see? I said I’m positive the person’s not for me and was polite and firm.December 5, 2011 8:46 pm at 8:46 pm #833666
so what wwas the reaction once you said that?? has he bothered you about it since??December 5, 2011 9:05 pm at 9:05 pm #833667
No the shadchan didn’t pursue it but this was after a week of saying it’s not for me!
I have to give them credit they don’t stop until they realize your not listening to them!December 6, 2011 2:05 am at 2:05 am #833668ItcheSrulikMember
One word for the shadchan: “no” if that doesn’t work, two words “go away”December 6, 2011 4:02 am at 4:02 am #833669llbeanfanMember
Its so wrong when shadchanim make you scared to call them back and say you don’t want to date the boy they just redt you. The most stressful time for me last week was the time before we called shadchan back to let her no that the diamond of a boy she redt is just not for me. The worst was the manipulation: she pretended to take it calmly and said okay so I want to continue helping you-tell me what you DO want.so when I said different things suddenly she says-well Ploni I just redt you is A and B and C so nu what’s wrong with him?! I was at my wits end! When iH I one day redt shidduchim I’m gunna be soo sweet when people say no.its not my job or any shadchans job to ensure that a single doesn’t make a stupid choice.December 6, 2011 5:14 am at 5:14 am #833670
llbeanfan- that’s precisely why there’s a very fine line between gan henom and gan eden, they say someone that makes 3 or more shidduchim in their lifetime goes straight to gan eden well I’d say it all depends how you earn it!!December 6, 2011 2:07 pm at 2:07 pm #833671always runs with scissors fastParticipant
nobody would ever get married if it weren’t for the Shadcan and their tactics. Thank G-d for the shadcan.December 6, 2011 2:37 pm at 2:37 pm #833672flowersParticipant
nobody would ever get married if it weren’t for the Shadcan and their tactics. Thank G-d for the shadcan.
Some incompatible shidduchim that end up in divorce also would never have happened if not for the manipulative & deceiving tactics of shadchanim.December 6, 2011 3:40 pm at 3:40 pm #833673
flowers it’s so crazy that you’re saying this because that was my reaction after I got off the phone. These shadchanim are so persistent that they can end up convincing you into bad marriage.
I don’t blame the people who had questions the entire time during dating and the shadchanim convinced them now they’re unhappy or divorced!
The key is don’t be desperate they want to make shidduchim and they’re good at it but you’re the one living your life. It’s not like someone convinces you to buy a car or s/t like that!December 6, 2011 4:09 pm at 4:09 pm #833674tzvideerMember
if the Shadchan doesnt give up???
thank you Hashem for making the shadchan NOT give up, that is why my wife – after saying no to me agreed to see me again and we are very hapily married today.
BTW, she doesnt understand herself today why she ever said no!
:))))December 8, 2011 2:51 am at 2:51 am #833678
K”AH, Lucky for the two of you, it was sth she didn’t regret. sometimes the resentent of being forced into a relationship can backfire resentment in trying times. Every shidduch requires a certain degree of pushyness however it’s important for the shadchan not to do it in a way that is outright obvious.. In a way the sneekier the shadchan the better…I know noone is gonna agree with that..lol:)!! However if you think about it though it carries a lot of truth to it! No partner in a relationship or a potential relationship should feel like a underdog in any way. seeing that you two are inevitably compatible your wife saw the weaknesses in you and that is what made her want to back off, however after seeing the potential in you as a person and focusing on your stregths she was able to build upon that and look past them. This is not always possible, if the two people are not on the same level in a number of different aspects inwhich majority shadchonim fail to understand, and that is precisely where the shadchonim’s force becomes a manipulative gesture as aposed to helping the situation move forward in a positive light.
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