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I know this is another shidduch thread, but I couldnt help wondering about this :-p.
When dating someone and the person has good midos, however you dont feel attracted to him or his personality-even after 2 dates, should one continue dating to see what happens? Or should one stop so the other side wont get as emotionally involved. The reason I am wondering this is since I heard that many people ended up having their date “grow” on them or maybe it was meant to be that they had to marry someone with a certain personality since that would be best for them-even if it wasnt what they are looking for. I could be wrong though.
And, if someone is attracted to and needs a certain personality trait (ie. deep, easygoing, intuitive etc.) then is it being too picky if they pass someone up who doesnt have those traits they need?
lightitup, it is hard to advise on what you said. Usually if it doesn’t “click” it doesn’t click. But what is it exactly you are looking for? What is your definition of “attracted”? Are you expecting fireworks or bells? Or are you expecting to think about him when you are not together? There is a huge difference.
It is very important that there be an attraction but you might not recognize it right away and there is also a possibility that he might not really let his full personality shine through the first few dates. So I usually tell my kids unless there is something bothering you to make you stop keep going. I don’t believe that 2 dates is enough to get to know a person and allow things to click because it doesn’t always click right off the bat. This can be proven by the fact that many marriages came about after do overs. It is possible that neither one of you have let your guard down to bring the best out in either of you. So if there isn’t anything you can put your finger on that would cause you to stop try to think of the positives in him and things to admire about him and keep going. You will have a better sense of whether it is heading anywhere in another week or two. Just relax and don’t put pressure on yourself.
2 dates? Goodness, is that all you’re prepared to invest?
How’s this: After date 3, as soon as he pulls up to your house to drop you off, say the following:
“I see things heading in a positive direction, but I’m a bit concerned that I don’t see you as being <whatever trait you want>.
Where are you on this trait? Is it just that I’m missing the cues? Is it that you just never gave it any thought? These are the things that are important to me, so I’d really like to see where you stand on these things. You don’t have to answer on the spot, but I would like to discuss this the next time we see each other”
He may just have never been asked point blank. Guys don’t talk about their “feelings” unless asked, but if you ask, they normally have an answer. Plus, you give him a clear indication that you are serious, and have every intention of seeing him again.
If he’s an adult, he can formulate an answer. Maybe not on the spot, but by date 4, he will either have the answers or know who to get them from.
After 2 dates??? I think if there are positive feelings about other aspects, and he is not repulsive to you, give it another two dates. If it really does not seem shayach after that, be honest about it, in a nice way. For all you know, he may be feeling the same way and giving YOU the extra chance. it goes both ways.
OK it sounds like this isn’t just “I’m not sure” its “I really don’t like the guy” in which case, break it off.
“He was quite socially awkward”
That’s not his fault, but it is the fault of whoever led him to believe he’s ready to date.
Your call. You can gamble that he’ll grow up one day to be a normal socially adjusted person, or toss him back into the pond, so he can finish growing up.
(I know what I’d do)
Yes atraction can grow, but generally speaking you know if you are attracted to someone after seeing them a couple of times…if everything else about the person is great, but there is no connection…that is a big thing to let grow on you…on the other hand if there is a spark and you want to learn more about the person, then 2 dates is not enough….
This definitely sounds like you “are NOT attracted” to this guy and not that “you don’t feel an attraction” for this guy. There is a huge difference.
There are things about this guy you don’t like and that is reason enough to say “NO”. There is no point in wasting your time or his when you already find things that you don’t like. You will not change your mind, you will only look for more things not to like about him. I only say “if there is nothing wrong keep going”. Obviously this doesn’t apply here.
OK, it clearly sounds like a no-go to me. BTW, if he truly said awkward and inappropriate things, you should tell that to the shadchan, IMO.
Why do you assume the shadchan wants to hear inappropriate things?
good move lightitup, its always a good thing to ask Hashem for clarity when dating, once a guy asked me to marry him also like on the second or third date, i was young and niave back then i had no idea what a creep he was….bh my parents said no way in heck was i marrying him lol
he told me he wants to marry me the second time we went out
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