When you're …… than your husband.

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  • #612121

    I am not trying to be funny here, today, not at all.

    I really have a problem. I am slowly realizing I married someone who I am a bit more smarter than. Like my intellectual abilities are greater than his.dActually, more than a bit. In some ways. I mean, although, yes,,,,he knows rashi and gemarah, and I do not, Yes in that sense he is smarter.

    But in real life daily activities of living, I am having a hard time respecting and looking up to him, because he reminds me of somebody a bit slow or Aspergers’ or Dyspraxic and does silly things really rub on my nerves, like I asked him to go buy us a milkshake while he’s anyways in the pizzashop, and he phones me to ask if he should tell them to warm it or do I want it cold?

    Or he is like coming to share immature infantile things with me, all day, like I’ll come home and he’ll say “momma… I ate sour cream”. “Boy was it good”. And Like I’ll just be taking my boots off, and standing at the front door, wondering to myself”ok…why is he telling me this?” Its weird. Totally out of context. You know? I’m not saying its a reason to leave. Its just how am I going to respect a simpleton?

    I suppose I will have to look at the good qualities why I married him. Right? The ehrlichtkiet. The pure neshama. THe lev tahar.

    Its not easy.

    any advice?

    #1002826

    TheGoq
    Participant

    This is quite serious indeed, mutual respect is one of the cornerstones of a successful marriage, you have to determine whether he is really a simpleton of if he is just really immature, while both are problematic if its immaturity perhaps that is something he will work to improve on if he is truly ill equipped mentally that is really a problem and i am not sure how you should proceed.

    #1002828

    apushatayid
    Participant

    where was this simpleton during the dating process?

    #1002831

    YW Moderator-127
    Moderator

    Note to posters: Keep it constructive or this will have to be closed.

    #1002832

    Mind reader
    Member

    have you ever heard the term “letz” it’s not a negative thing!! maybe it’s more of an issue that you are more up tight and serious then him , I really don’t think it’s an intellectual issue! if it bothers you that he is making these kind of jokes have a talk with him he may think you like it…. chill out, take it easy and communicate it’s the key to marriage. everything else will fall into place if there is proper communication.

    #1002835

    Torah613Torah
    Participant

    That’s a really hard challenge. There’s two issues here. Your need to respect him, and your desire for him to be more intelligent than you.

    The first is a need. You need to respect him. And he needs you to respect him.

    As for being less intelligent, you may wish for him to be more intelligent, or organized, or have a better sense of humor, or speak in a British accent, or be more handsome, or like the same music you do, but these are wants. Your marriage can survive and thrive without these areas of compatibility, if you respect him.

    You have a lot of good in your OP. It sounds like he cares about you, he loves you, and he wants to tell you things and spend time with you. He tries to get you things you want and to make you happy. You can respect, at least, that he loves you, intelligent as you are.

    Some ways of showing respect are:

    -Davening for his success (and tell him you are)

    -Not disagreeing with him in public

    -Responding calmly when he asks a question you think is dumb

    -Not comparing him to other husbands

    -Letting him know how much you appreciate his work/ little things he does for you

    -Asking him about his day and listening

    -Encouraging him within his abilities. Don’t try to make him something he isn’t, try to help him achieve his full potential without pressuring him.

    -Talk positively about him to your family and friends.

    -Ask him for advice on your problems. You may be surprised how different and enlightening the male perspective is.

    -Be very explicit in what you want, eg, don’t write “peppers” on a list, say 1 medium green pepper. Men don’t read minds, and they won’t have any idea what size of pepper you usually get.

    -Be calm when explaining what he did wrong. Don’t make a big deal out of his mistakes.

    – Ask for menu suggestions for supper

    -Praise him for things he does right.

    These are just a few ideas. I hope it is helpful.

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