which is more painful?

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    Which of these scenarios is more painful-

    1)When you agree to go out with someone and you get rejected before going out once?

    2) After going out you say “yes” and your date says “no”?

    Personally, I find 1 worse because it’s more of a reflection of what I’ve done in my life and people’s impression of me, vs. okay, we went out and you didn’t think the personalities matched up.

    Now I know that there is no real reason to be hurt in either of these scenarios but there still is that tiny little thing in the back of your head

    ☕️coffee addict

    I think 2 is worse, b/c you haven’t even seen the girl yet in scenario #1


    well you prob a boy.. because the boy gets the first say then the girl has to decide if they should go out.. i would think you feel more rejected or dissappointed after the date… because usually they pareve and ok.. even if you agree to try again it might be an insult that they didnt like it.. something to get over really fast.. but might be insulting if you thought there was potential..


    I think the second can be more difficult to deal with. With the first, there are many reasons why the other side would say no, none necessarily having to do with your personally. I can recall several times when this happened, like when the other side didn’t want to go out at that time, or was involved with something else, etc. But with the second, you’ve already become more involved in the Shidduch and given your ‘yes’ for a second date. Then, when the other side says ‘no’, it’s pretty much for personal reasons. Even if the other side feels that the personalities don’t go together, you have still invested more in this, and it may hurt more. Of course, as you mentioned, there is not necessarily a reason to feel this way, but we are all human, after all.


    Both can be hurtful but in very different ways. I think getting rejected before going out is hurtful in the way we are perceived, or that our ego took a hit. If it was the first suggestion in a while that “looked” good, it can make you feel a little hopeless.

    morah reyna

    2 is worse. In 1 your rejected as a name. 2 your rejected as a person. That’s much more painful. I am speaking from experience.


    I would think 2 is way more painful.


    2 is so much worse. 1 is no big deal.


    I’m too old for this, but I guess (2) if you really like the guy, vs. willing to give it another shot.

    cutie pie

    2 is more painful. As in 1 you were not emotionally involved, but 2 you met the girl/guy and spent time with her/him and got somewhat emotionally involved!



    I dont know that I would call either of them painful. A let down, maybe.


    I think #1 is worse, because you have been rejected for NO reason; the person did not even meet you to make an informed decision. After one date it might feel worse to have the other party say no to a second date, but it really is not, because at least that decision is based on having met you and not feeling this would be shayach to go further. But to say no out of hand, without ever meeting you in person – that would make me feel awful, because you are not even getting a chance to make a good impression.


    I’ve been out of the game for a while, but senario 1 is worse, becuase at least with senario # 2, you each gave it a fair shot, and, for whatever reason, decided that its not going to go forward.

    In senario # 1, the venture could have been derailed because someone did not relay information correctly. So its not so much that your “person” was rejected, its the fact that it might have been something promising, had the other person / people done their jobs better.


    After a while, I think people become numb to the pain of rejection and it turns to frustration with becoming older while your friends find their Zivugim. Youre probably a relatively young dater. If you’d hear the Shadchan’s end of some of the reasons people reject, rejection would become meaningless (too smart, too deep, too pretty, too nice..).

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