Which middah should be worked on first?

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  • #610305

    the-art-of-moi
    Participant

    hi there everyone! ive been following the coffee room for a few months, its really awesome. thank you mods for all your hard work! ok, so i have a dilemma. now that its elul, ive started thinking about the way i act, and i realized i have a lot to work on. so, to all the torah knowledgeable people out there- does the torah ever say which one of these traits should be worked on first?

    happiness

    anger management

    pationce

    honoring parents

    thank you in advance!

    #970195

    Toi
    Participant

    gaava- it takes care of most of the rest.

    #970196

    Shopping613 🌠
    Participant

    1. WELCOME! Its always nice to have another new member!

    2. I don’t know you at all, but you know yourself. Which middah is the one you have the most trouble with and pops up in your life pretty often? That’s the middah you should work on.

    #970197

    Or you could take the opposite approach and start with the middah that igves you the LEAST trouble. Once you start to really work on it, you will see results very quickly, which will build your confidence and give you chizuk to keep going and progress to other middos which you find more difficult. As opposed to if you start with the hardest one, you may find yourself saying, “I can’t do this, it’s just too hard!”

    #970198

    nishtdayngesheft
    Participant

    According to the iggeres haramban, midas anavah

    #970199

    the-art-of-moi
    Participant

    thanks for the response! i think im going to work on happiness, i feel like once youre happy, you dont yell at ppl or lose your temper. as for the anava suggestion, that would be a great idea if i didnt have low self esteem. jewish fem and shopping613- both awesome ideas! shopping, u dont know me but u do know my bff, pinkdynamite. she sends regards and sez shes glad ur back on the coffee room.

    #970200

    eclipse
    Member

    How about self-honesty? It leads to realizing where we fall short.

    #970201

    Oh Shreck!
    Participant

    the last one

    “thank you in advance”

    Actually it’s a middah tova – to be makir tova and always acknowledge and thank for any favor or benefit received.

    In my humblekite, I’d suppose anger management is a biggie, I would think that’s worth a start.

    #970202

    1st timer
    Participant

    I think working on having and showing hakoras hatov, to Hashem, parents, siblings…..is an important middah to work on

    #970203

    interjection
    Participant

    Mitzva gedola lihyot besimcha tamid. You can’t work on anything unless your happy. If you’re happy you won’t be angry. If you’re happy you’ll want to be better to your parents. If you’re happy you’ll have patience.

    Good luck!! Rooting for you:)

    #970204

    verapoi yerapei
    Participant

    I was at a shiru recently given by Rabbi Resiman and he mentioned taht the midda that is mentioned most often in Mishlei is Daas. He said that means doing what we know is inherently right and using our seichel in srving hashem

    #970205

    chani91
    Member

    well i guess the chazon ish tells us what the root to all bad middos is… he states in the sefer emuna ubitachon ????? ????? ?? ????? ????? ??? ???? ????? ????? ????

    #970206

    Shopping613 🌠
    Participant

    Is she the one who introduced you to the CR? Send her regards from me, and that I’d wish she’d be in the CR more often…

    #970207

    Shopping613 🌠
    Participant

    Happiness is a great middah! I actually need to work on that too. Are you reading a book or hearing a shuir online about working on it? If so, can you recommend something for me?

    #970208

    chani91
    Member

    interjec….-i am just wondering what is the source that its a mitzva gedola liheyot besimca?

    #970209

    WIY
    Member

    theartofmoi

    I would tell you to make a thorough list of what needs work. Whateved is a mitzvah doraysoh that’s what needs to be worked on first. Its very nice to be happy but if you aren’t being mekayem kibbud av vaeim then you are going against one of the aseres hadibros! So I would say first get your mitzvos straight then I think automatically the middos will improve. You can’t have kibbud av vaeim unless you do it joyfully its not kavod to do as they please witb a frown and “attitude” so automatically doing mitzvos properly fix our middos. However once you are being mekayem the mitzvod properly you can certainly then try to improve the individual middos even more. I will give you a big secret that I usually charge a lot for. Kidding but really it’d an important insight, there’s one midda that many people today are weak in and that is what ruins their relationship with themselves, their parents and friends and ultimately Hashem. That is the midda of appreciation. If you can learn to truly appreciate what Hashem gives you (and we are all being given gifts constantly at every moment) and appreciate the people in your life and really FEEL that hakaras hatov you will become truly great as a Jew and be someone that others will love admire and respect.

    Chani91

    Mizmor lesoda we say ivdu es Hashem besimcha! Its from Tehillim!

    #970210

    the-art-of-moi
    Participant

    shopping- no, wed both been following the cr for over a year. and btw she was blocked. mods, she contacted you about what happened and i can tell you that its true. she was really hurt, please let her back on! k, maybe i shouldnt be saying this, but shes already dealing with enough in her life! the cr was a great outlet for her…

    k, that was off topic and kind of rude, sorry. i am actully looking for shiurim on happiness i havent had any luck finding good ones so far. im going to check rabbi wallerstein on torahanytime, ill tell you if i find anything.

    chani91- can you translate that for me?

    verapoi- interesting concept! i feel like thats a bit too much for me to work on now, to work on that would mean changing the way i talk, think…

    #970211

    chani91
    Member

    wiy-ur right boutthe fact that we say it but do u know what it means? it means serve Hashem with happiness whilst serving and doing mitzvos that should be done besimcha in fact ?”? waspunished due to not serving Hashem with happiness it says ??? ??? ?? ???? ?? ?’ ????? ????? ??? but who said one has to have constant hapiness?

    #970212

    chani91
    Member

    wiy-ur right boutthe fact that we say it but do u know what it means? it means serve Hashem with happiness whilst serving and doing mitzvos that should be done besimcha in fact ?”? waspunished due to not serving Hashem with happiness it says ??? ??? ?? ???? ?? ?’ ????? ????? ??? but who said one has to have constant hapiness?

    #970213

    interjection
    Participant

    That line though is from rabi nachman.

    Wiy: (to clarify, i dont think im disagreeing with you) I think it was you who said in a different thread that Torah teaches us how to have the best life possible. So using what (I think) you said, the purpose of the Torah is to make your life better. All the mitzvos help improve our lives but if a person is unhappy then working on kibbud av will just make them resentful. Working on appreciation will bring a person to more happiness which will automatically lead a person to fulfill the de’oraysahs more properly. In other words having proper middos helps a person to better fulfill the mitzvos.

    #970214

    WIY, as always I feel you are the most talented and authentic voice of emes in this room, and i actually loved what you just wrote so much I copy and pasted it and am taking it home to glue in my personal middos avoidah journal! now please go and take the time to answer my question which i just posted re; power struggles. I need your help! thanks in advance

    #970215

    the-art-of-moi
    Participant

    WIY- that makes sense! thanks, you changed my perspective on things. are you a social worker by profession? youre really good!

    #970216

    Shopping613 🌠
    Participant

    Wow, i feel for her, I hope her life gets better and the mods decide to let her back.

    WIY: I totally agree with you, but for most people, they need something like that will actually be doable in a month, just cuz like its one of the 10 commandments dosen’t mean that it’s something doable for everyone. Cuz, like dosent the Torah say that you can always improve??? So then I’d havta commit my life to the 10 commandments, no? So I think it’s also OK to focus on what is really needed to be worked on…..

    If you want to work on apprciation and middos more, the books: Gifts for teens and More Gifts for Teens are very very helpful and inspiring, though it seems the books are meant for a more feminine audience, but I really recommend them! If you flip through the chapters at your local judaica store, you’ll see what different things it helps you with, I remember a few from my book: The gift of Appreciation, The gift of Happiness,The gift of Everything is for the best, The gift of Friendship, The gift of Shabbos, The gift of Yom Tov, The Gift of a good (and early) morning (getting up on time/early, very helpful chapter) this is just a few.

    #970217

    Torah613Torah
    Participant

    You can work on anger management and patience at the same time. Two for the price of one!

    #970218

    the-art-of-moi
    Participant

    i just heard an amazing quote from nechama cohen( she just released her first album. its so inspiring and awesome, every single female reading this should check her out!) it goes like this: happiness isnt a destination to reach but a way of traveling. so im thinking, maybe honoring my parents, and i should be excited and happy to do it, therby working on two flaws at the same time. do you think that makes sense?

    #970219

    Shopping613 🌠
    Participant

    Ya, Im OBBSESSED WITH HER!!!! Ok, music for teens these days is at an all time low, so they turn to goyishe music. But Nechama Cohen’s album is EXACTLY what teens are looking for! Its personal and most songs you will feel were written just for you!

    Thays a good quote, I havent bpught an album yet, but Ive lostened to 5 different preveiws and 5 different websites and downloaded all her movies from youtube and half them on repeat.

    i SO agree!

    #970220

    Nechomah
    Participant

    Just a point – kibud av v’em is not a middah, it’s a mitzvah. Middos are personality traits or attitudes, like anger, happiness, etc. Doing the mitzvos helps us perfect our middos if we do them properly, but working on your middos can be a completely separate project for you.

    #970221

    amama
    Participant

    Anger is the outward expression of many of these bad middos. when you outwardly express your anger this makes you even more angry. controlling that feeling puts you in a better place to do introspection. But someone did mention the iggeres haramban. I think that is a great idea.

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