October 25, 2012 6:23 pm at 6:23 pm #605501
WHY ?!October 25, 2012 8:23 pm at 8:23 pm #901709morah reynaMember
Probably because it’s so much out of our hands, as much as we like to think we are in control. My salvation came, when I said, “H-ashem this is up to ONLY you.October 25, 2012 9:31 pm at 9:31 pm #901710The little I knowParticipant
I think it has much more to do with the trivia that has taken center stage.October 25, 2012 11:55 pm at 11:55 pm #901711MediumThinkerMember
I once heard a nice pshat from Rabbi Belsky on the gemarah that shidduchim and parnassa is as hard as splitting the yam suf. He asked that nothing is hard for hashem. He answered using pesukim from beshalach that it was hard becuse Hashem made the splitting of the sea contigent on Nachsho ben aminanadav and Klal Yisroel entering entering the sea. he said that shidduchim and parnassa are the same way, we have to jump into the sea.October 26, 2012 12:18 am at 12:18 am #901712
@ morah reyna– i know im not in control thats what makes it so difficult
@ the little i know — what “trivia are u referring to ?October 26, 2012 3:22 am at 3:22 am #901713dhl144Member
I am in shidduchim also and I dont find it difficult or stressing or tiring I am actually njoying it…not I dont want to get married dont get me wrong I want to get married and I know that one day the right one will come so in the meantime I am just being patient and thanking Hashem for whenever something comes my way in regards to shidduchim…I want to know…Why do u feel that SHidduchim are so difficult and tiring exactly?October 26, 2012 12:21 pm at 12:21 pm #901714NechomahParticipant
I think it has more to do with opening yourself up, thinking through issues, revealing things you want in life, risking emotional investment, and trying to figure out if the person you’re with could be the person you want to spend the rest of your life with. I think that is a very difficult and possibly tiring activity. It is great that dhl144 has not found it either. A positive attitude about the whole business is the best and makes the time involved pass more easily, but not everyone is on a level that they can show such patience and gratitude.
Hatzlacha in finding your bashert!!October 26, 2012 12:25 pm at 12:25 pm #901715The little I knowParticipant
I have B”H married off most of my children, and have participated many times in the “shidduch” process as is common today. Yet, I remain completely appalled at the questions that become part of today’s typical investigations. Yes, there are the stereotypical stupidities that are often mocked (but are asked anyway), such as whether the parents use plastic tablecloths on Shabbos. But there is much, much more. For example, one member of my family received a call from a shadchante to inquire about her son, intending to propose a girl for him. In the first half hour of this phone interview, not a single question was asked about the boy’s character, career plans, learning, etc. The entire conversation was about his levush, as if this is the most important issue. When the mother finally challenged the shadchante on this, she became defensive, and insisted that she needed this info to get past the initial calls to prospective shidduchim. What a shame.
I have also watched shiddichim be nixed because members of the extended family have issues such as an OTD child, etc. If there is a divorce in the family, that’s a terrible flaw, and if anyone terminated a shidduch, that dooms the prospects. In reality, none of us can defend these things. If there was a broken shidduch or a divrce, I would want to know whether it was handled properly, with menchlichkeit. But things happen, and to consider someone with such a history unworthy of a shidduch is ludicrous.
I bet anyone can find plenty of other trivia that has become central to the shidduch process, and that adds unnecessary complication to a challenging process. And we who do this become our own worst enemies.October 26, 2012 1:07 pm at 1:07 pm #901716ShidduchimMember
I find that dating could be enjobale, yet at the same time tiring and stressful. Because you spend more time on getting ready for date then the actual date. Then ur on the date and having a good time (or u think ur having a good time) and you come home and can’t have a norm night sleep cuz until u hear back from the shadchan cud be another reazon to lose more grey hair. Then finally the shadchan calls in mid-afternoon after you didn’t eat breakfast cuz u were too nervous, and says ‘He had a very nice time, but it’s not for him’ so here we go again the cycle just repeats itself…boy after boy…wishing all that are in shidduchim that you find ur bashert b’karov!!!!!!!October 26, 2012 5:02 pm at 5:02 pm #901717locaMember
Cuza the cooties..October 27, 2012 7:43 pm at 7:43 pm #901718NechomahParticipant
Loca, if you’re worried about cooties, forget about getting married until you find your anti-cootie spray bottle.October 27, 2012 10:09 pm at 10:09 pm #901719lost in EuropeParticipant
I agree with The Little I know. Parents are digging and digging more into a prospective shidduch, asking ridiculous questions, saying NO for ridiculous reasons. You would think there would be LESS divorces, not more, with all the digging they do.October 28, 2012 3:45 am at 3:45 am #901720locaMember
oooo Nechama! I never heard of this cootie repellent spray. Do they sell it in Costco?October 28, 2012 4:13 pm at 4:13 pm #901722MediumThinkerMember
It’s a specialty item, you have to buy it in a healthfood store. Word of warning, though: It is not approved by the FDA. The studies showing it to be effective are sponsored by the makers of this item. In my opinion, you will be flushing your money down the drain.October 28, 2012 5:05 pm at 5:05 pm #901723Torah613TorahParticipant
Anyway, it’s not our job – remember, Hashem split the Yam Suf. That would have been very difficult and draining!October 31, 2012 4:25 am at 4:25 am #901724
@little i know : girls complain abt not getting enough dates.. yet their parents are asking such ridiculous questions that then dissuade the parents from allowing their daughters from going out with a guy b/c he may have a flaw in his family/extended family .. or b/c he davens in a certain shul ??
if parents could remember the little detail that its their daughter that is going to be living with this guy for the rest of her life .. NOT them and therefore should be looking at it for her interests not theirs.. ok yes they maybe supporting the new couple for a little while .. how does the material of tablecloth determine if the boy is mature or not ?October 31, 2012 5:07 am at 5:07 am #901725postsemgirlMember
It’s part of being in galusOctober 31, 2012 1:19 pm at 1:19 pm #901726RABBAIMParticipant
Like Krias Yam Suf…. gotta have big time bitachon and be ready to jump in………October 31, 2012 2:10 pm at 2:10 pm #901727JustHavingFunParticipant
The shidduch process looks at qualifications in the same manner as a college looks at a prospective student: GPA, SAT scores, extracurricular activities, legacy status, references. Colleges try to estimate which students are most likely graduate, but it’s not a precise process.
So “qualifications” like scraping vs. stacking, number of crazy uncles in the family, paper/plastic, tablecloth color, and mother’s seatbelt usage are being used as metrics to estimate likelihood of marital success. Sheesh! We may as well be looking at shape of teeth or pronounciation of chOlam vs. chOYlam as qualifiers for marriage!
@postsemgirl- Galus is right! Shidduchim have been relegated to the realm of the insane!!!
@dhl144- keep on having fun! But don’t forget: GET MARRIED!October 31, 2012 3:49 pm at 3:49 pm #901728
its very unfortunate that its the way things are in this day and ageDecember 22, 2020 12:40 pm at 12:40 pm #1930934cholimerParticipant
Only the girls’ parents are the problem?
I beg to differ….
Boys’ parents are equally culpable.
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