Why do women get blamed for getting divorced?
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- This topic has 26 replies, 23 voices, and was last updated 9 years, 3 months ago by aaym.
November 17, 2013 8:00 am at 8:00 am #611306notlambMember
Why do most people assume it is the woman’s fault when they hear about a divorce?? It’s so unfair. People assume the wife didn’t act right during marriage or that she didn’t fulfill her obligations as a wife. Another frequent assumption is that many women are very quick to seek divorce for the most trivial of reasons.
And to make it even worse, divorced guys have a much easier time to get remarried, and do so much quicker, than divorced women.November 17, 2013 9:55 am at 9:55 am #994124notasheepMember
Mods, could you please change this person’s username. It’s far too similar to mine and I do not want to be mistaken for whatever comments this person may or may not make that others may think were written by me. Please.November 17, 2013 11:31 am at 11:31 am #994125147Participant
Because women have paradise whereas men have hell, during a divorce.
The entire system is stashed to do whatever the woman says & demands irrespective of the husband or children’s interests.
Woman gets almost automatic custody, child support, marital residence, whereas the husband is deprived of his children, marital residence, yet he must still pay child support & alimony whilst being out on the street.
Furthermore, courts always enforce child support, but never enforce visitation.
Hence, no man ever wishes a divorce whilst the woman knows she has everything to gain by demanding the divorce.November 17, 2013 1:41 pm at 1:41 pm #994126popa_bar_abbaParticipant
Because its always the women who insist on the divorce. The men are content to just separate and live apart and fight over the money and the kids. Its always the wife who insists on the get.November 17, 2013 1:42 pm at 1:42 pm #994127notasheepMember
thank youNovember 17, 2013 2:02 pm at 2:02 pm #994128oomisParticipant
I don’t know that some of what you expressed is necessarily true. Very often, people think, “He must have been abusive, or a momma’s boy.” Divorce is a two way street, and there are two sides to every divorce (and sometimes three). Whenever it occurs, it is a tragedy that the two people who got married were unable to live their lives out together in harmony.
Now, to be fair, many women DO seek to be divorced for “trivial” reasons. Perhaps those reasons are not so trivial to THEM. It’s not for us to judge. Unless you live in their home with their problems and issues, it is better not to make assumptions.
There are people who think that even the Gemarah lists a so-called “trivial” reason for divorce. i.e., the wife burnt her husband’s dinner. Without understanding what is behind that Gemarah, it would sound quite petty. After all, what wife has not once in a while burnt dinner, especially if her husband did not come home on time? Obviously there is a deeper ramification to the Gemarah, than the literal reading, and likewise, there are deeper meanings to what we might assume are trivial reasons for a woman wanting a divorce. We cannot judge unless we walk in her shoes (or his).
And it is VERY unfair, but men do seem to be able to remarry with greater ease, from my observation. But then again, if there are children involved, chances are the fathers do not have fulltime custody, so they seem to be freer birds than the ex-wives.November 17, 2013 2:26 pm at 2:26 pm #994129rebdonielMember
The gemara also says that a wife can demand a divorce when the husband is physically repulsive to her, due to a malodorous occupation, or due to a medical condition (such as boils or leprosy). I would feel bad for such a husband- his occupation and medical condition are things not necessarily within his reasonable control.November 17, 2013 3:40 pm at 3:40 pm #994130nfgo3Member
In divorce, as in war, truth is the first casualty.November 17, 2013 4:08 pm at 4:08 pm #994131Bookworm120Participant
147, +1!November 17, 2013 4:38 pm at 4:38 pm #994132OneVoiceParticipant
rebdoniel- does a smoker fall into the repulsive category?November 17, 2013 4:39 pm at 4:39 pm #994133🍫Syag LchochmaParticipant
whilst the woman knows she has everything to gain by demanding the divorce.
sure, that’s why the men are almost always remarried 18 months later and the women can spend the next 30 years looking for a husband.November 17, 2013 5:35 pm at 5:35 pm #994134akupermaParticipant
Why do most people assume it is the woman’s fault when they hear about a divorce??
Do you have any empirical evidence to suppport that assumption (or are you reflecting your own views)?November 17, 2013 8:27 pm at 8:27 pm #994135The little I knowParticipant
I’m not sure the assumption of many is that women are the fault behind divorces. However, I have heard people say that, and I have also heard people say that it is the men’s fault. Both statements are ridiculous. The factors that are responsible for divorce are many, and any pronouncing of a single issue or a particular direction is baseless and unprovable.
It is a fundamental human frailty to generalize. It makes life so much simpler to understand. But making these statements has never impacted the reality on the ground.
It also deserves to be added that anyone on the outside of the marital conflict cannot possibly know all the issues that are the dividers in a relationship. So even if you know of a particular couple who are getting divorced or already did, it is worse than presumptuous to believe you know anything about what really happened.November 17, 2013 8:40 pm at 8:40 pm #994136funnyboneParticipant
I agree with akuperma; when I hear about divorce I assume that it’s mainly one person’s fault, with the other one being unable to deal with the issues of the main partner’s faults.
Why do men remarry quicker? I would give many reasons. Main one is that the wife gets the children, and most men prefer not to have children from a previous marriage in their house (not all, from what I know of).November 18, 2013 3:42 am at 3:42 am #994137SanityIsOverratedParticipant
Marriages don’t crumble in a day. Most times, it’s a slow descent into personal routines that keep getting in each other’s way. Eventually, with the loss of that initial spark (a nice gift from Hashem, but it won’t last)Both sides begin to make demands, feel unheard, and not try to repair things until it’s too late. Both sides contribute to the problem. Even in some cases of abuse (you can hate me for writing this, but as much as I don’t like it either, it’s the truth) it could have been prevented had the abused stood up for him/herself in the beginning. Obviously, each case is separate, and should be treated as such. In general, I view divorce as a tragedy on society’s part. And I cry for their children.November 18, 2013 4:10 am at 4:10 am #994138justsayinMember
The woman sets the tone in a house and has the koach to make it or break it. (Except for certain cases) Women aren’t always blamed for divorce but they’re usually the ones with more power to prevent it. This is just my opinion.November 18, 2013 1:23 pm at 1:23 pm #994139The little I knowParticipant
Sorry to tell you, but your comment was one of the more ridiculous ones here. There are plenty of people casting blame, usually without the detailed knowledge of the situation, nor the understanding how to assess it. As far as preventing divorce just as in the maintaining the conflict that brings the marriage to that brink, both parties are always responsible. Yes, it takes one party to refuse help or change, which dooms the marriage. But, having worked with hundreds of couples, neither women nor men are the more guilty party. It’s a tie score (as if statistics have any bearing on an individual case.
As someone famous once said, the chief cause for divorce is marriage. I guess it takes two.November 18, 2013 8:26 pm at 8:26 pm #994140dafbiyunParticipant
Objection:lack of foundation for the initial comment. Every case stands on its own.November 20, 2013 3:00 pm at 3:00 pm #994142mewhoParticipant
there is his story, her story and THE TRUTHNovember 20, 2013 3:16 pm at 3:16 pm #994143cherrybimParticipant
“Because its always the women who insist on the divorce.”
Because these women don’t want to be married to a jerk forever.December 15, 2013 5:10 am at 5:10 am #994144MurphysLawMember
100% of divorces start with marriage…December 16, 2013 1:41 am at 1:41 am #994145HealthParticipant
OOmis – While you make some points, you left out some.
A lot of times, it’s not the man’s or the woman’s
fault, but of other’s who mix in!December 16, 2013 2:53 am at 2:53 am #994146bein_hasdorimParticipant
notlamb; Although one should look at every case individually; however, I will state the following. Unless the husband is a terrible person, the general rule is that ultimately the wife is the key to the Shalom Bayis. The woman possesses the power to steer the relationship in a positive direction, get the husband into it as well. If she has the wisdom to do this is another matter.
Chachmos Nashim Bansoh Boiso etc… look up the end of the pasuk as well, scary but true.December 16, 2013 5:34 am at 5:34 am #994147a maminParticipant
I don’t quite get why you feel this way ? It takes two to tango … It really depends on each individual case. What I do find is an issue today is that , no one is willing to work on their marriage . They feel spouses are disposable like aluminum pans ….. Marriage takes a lot of hard work and compromise.
Health: welcome back !! Good to hear from you again.December 16, 2013 6:31 pm at 6:31 pm #994149OneVoiceParticipant
bein_hasdorim- does this apply also to couples who are not compatible? Any couple as long as the husband is not a monster should be able to have a happy marriage as long as the wife is committed… interesting.December 16, 2013 6:33 pm at 6:33 pm #994150bein_hasdorimParticipant
It’s true what you’re saying, “Marriage takes a lot of hard work and compromise.” Kids today are not taught this. Growing up in a world of disposable pans, tablecloths, fancy plastic dishes, lenses, etc..
I can see why today’s younger generation has a less serious approach to marriage. It doesn’t help that technology has gotten us used to expecting instant results at the press of a button.
I still restate, although not blaming women for divorce over the men, that women were instilled with an innate ability to draw out positive behavior and results from their spouses. It takes cleverness, not scolding or shouting, or complaining. It takes honest open communication, and giving their husbands respect, which can and usually will show positive results over time. Again, unless the guy is crazy, a really bad person, who cannot or is not willing to change.December 16, 2013 8:36 pm at 8:36 pm #994151aaymParticipant
This is pathetic. Every man unfortunately has the upperhand as they need to give a get to free their wife to marry. Unfortunately althoough the man under the chuppa has undertaken to immediately pay, they very ofte use it to as a weapon.
Now it doesnt say that women are innocent, As someone mentioned earlier, it takes two to tangle, and the marriage didn’t fall apart overnight. I believe both women and men need to grow up and that in many , but not all cases solve some of teh get issues.
A wise man once said, marriage is not a compromise, because tehn you always feel like you are giving in to the other party. Rather marriage is about seeking agreemnet. When both sides agree, you both end up on teh same side.
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