August 20, 2012 11:55 am at 11:55 am #604624WIYMember
I just want to hear reasons why someone should get married or why they should want to. I know that when we reach a particular age in most frum circles one is expected to start dating and get married. Call me crazy or different but I never understood this whole excitement for dating and getting married that my friends had and frankly now that I know what I know and have seen many couples in action and very few happily married why would any single (if he or she isnt particularly bored or lonely) want to get married?August 20, 2012 1:42 pm at 1:42 pm #892239shlishiMember
Because G-d said to get married and to be fruitful and multiply.
Is G-d’s word not enough?August 20, 2012 1:58 pm at 1:58 pm #892241jewish sourceParticipant
Hashem said so, IYH you will have a lot of true nachas even though its hard.
If its hard you are carrying gold.
most people with this mind set really delay things to long and its impossible to make up for lost time. anhrei mi shemasi bonov ubnosov somuch lipirkon.August 20, 2012 2:09 pm at 2:09 pm #892243oyveykidsthesedaysMember
It’s a mitzva.August 20, 2012 2:39 pm at 2:39 pm #892244gavra_at_workParticipant
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Besides the mitzvah of “to be fruitful and multiply” it is also a chesed that hashem did with the person that he gave him a spouse so he can realize his faults and correct them. Hashem called it “lo tov heyos headam levado… eizer kenegdo”August 20, 2012 2:43 pm at 2:43 pm #892246EnglishmanMember
WIY: Don’t get the wrong impression. Most frum couples are very happily married.August 20, 2012 3:03 pm at 3:03 pm #892247TzaphnasPaneachMember
I was originally going to leave this alone. You can be as happily married as you and your spouse want to be. I have been married for a little while and will tell you that it can be so wonderful! I highly recommend it and suggest working on it. I remember asking the same questions that you were asking, and was annoyed that everyone was excited about marriage. But, if you really work at it, the dividends add up and it is supremely worth it!August 20, 2012 4:01 pm at 4:01 pm #892248MiddlePathParticipant
Getting married provides one with the amazing opportunity to love, respect, and give to another person, at the highest degree possible, while at the same time being given the tools to grow and become a better person.
True love in marriage is when you are thrilled, and have ultimate happiness, to give unconditionally to your spouse. That is why, in reference to G-d, the highest level of fulfilling His commandments and living to give happiness to Him is the level of “Ahavas Hashem”. When we truly love Him. The same is true in marriage, and in every relationship. A truly happy marriage, one that you desire and feel lucky to have, is one where you want to endlessly give to your spouse through your love. That alone can make you the happiest person.August 20, 2012 4:21 pm at 4:21 pm #8922492scentsParticipant
Because that is the way Hashem created his world.August 20, 2012 4:29 pm at 4:29 pm #892250HealthParticipant
MP -Yes, it’s possible to have that in marriage, but just because you do -doesn’t mean it will last forever. My didn’t. When others get involved in the marriage, even a great marriage can dissolve.
We pray everyday “Al Tovoh L’dey Nisayon”. And there is a reason for this -noone knows what tests we will pass and which ones we won’t.
The only question to ask the ones who destroy/ed people’s marriages is -“Mah Yisron L’baal Haloshon?”August 20, 2012 4:58 pm at 4:58 pm #892251cherrybimParticipant
Why be miserable by yourself; share it.August 20, 2012 5:55 pm at 5:55 pm #892252
Many times it happens to be keeping up with the jones’. A wedding is a big party where you get to shop till you drop, you get to be the center of attention where everyone showers love and gifts on you, you get to “play house” with someone you’re (hopefully) attracted to. Then real life sets in. You’re on your own with cooking every meal, shopping, cleaning, doing laundry, working, having to be financially self reliant very often, not to mention having to deal with disagreements about things that can seem or even be very major. That’s when emotional maturity becomes of utmost importance. That’s when the ikar of getting married comes into play.
Let’s start with having kids. We want to get married because we want to have kids and a family of our own. Our parents don’t live forever. You can share time with a roommate but you don’t build a life with one. Common goals worked on together become the future of your lives shared: Raising a family, helping each other and your children grow in Yiddishkeit. Part of the opportunity to grow in our emotional maturity presents itself best within the marital context. We learn about the areas we have to work on (if we recognize our part in our challenges). We’re chalkenged constantly to look beyond ourselves. We’re also created to want to have a close relationship with someone that we can’t have before marriage.
Yes, marriage can be hard, but so is remaining single. Fear of failure perpetuates itself. Getting married is about taking chances. You have to be willing to take the chance of failing if you want the chance to succeed.August 20, 2012 7:00 pm at 7:00 pm #892253WIYMember
If someone is happy and content being single why take the risk of getting married and risking their life turning to h*ll possibly?August 20, 2012 8:41 pm at 8:41 pm #892254gavra_at_workParticipant
If someone is happy and content being single why take the risk of getting married and risking their life turning to h*ll possibly?
Make sure that it won’t. If that means prenups, long term dating, etc. then go for it. It is reasonable to be concerned about a potential spouse, but there is a Mitzva to be done.
On the other hand, if you are on the level of Ben Azzai and getting married will affect your learning, and you control your yetzer, please disregard and continue learning.August 20, 2012 8:49 pm at 8:49 pm #892255HealthParticipant
WIY -“If someone is happy and content being single why take the risk of getting married and risking their life turning to h*ll possibly?”
Because it’s a Chiyuv; and Hashem comes before you.August 20, 2012 9:00 pm at 9:00 pm #892256smartcookieMember
Wiy- your only answer to that is that Hashem instructed man to marry.
You have an obligation.
And yes, marriages can turn out bad, but for most, marriage is beautiful.
Easy? Not always, but most people would never turn back the clock and be single again.August 20, 2012 9:04 pm at 9:04 pm #892257
Ask men and women in their forties and fifties who have not yet married how many of them are happy to be single. There may be those who married and wished they hadn’t, but most likely, they wish they either made a choice to marry someone different or at a different time, not to never marry. Even in the cases of divorce which I know of, the involved parties don’t wish to never have had their kids; only perhaps to have made a different choice of marriage partner or to have handled things differently. That’s not to say everyone feels that way. I speak of those I know and the many friends I know who are plotzing to get married. There might be a stage when being single is enticing, but it doesn’t last forever.August 20, 2012 9:14 pm at 9:14 pm #892258August 20, 2012 10:00 pm at 10:00 pm #892259yaakov doeParticipant
Getting married puts an end to the calls from shadchanim.August 20, 2012 10:05 pm at 10:05 pm #892260Sam2Participant
GAW: No. We don’t hold like Ben Azzai. The Chachamim censured him pretty strongly for it. (See, by the way, some of the explanations brought down for why he didn’t marry in Otzar Meforshim or Otzar Chachamim (I think that’s the name, it’s the giant Sefer that everyone uses but I’m blanking on the name right now) on Even Ha’ezer. Some of them are… interesting, to say the least.)August 20, 2012 10:16 pm at 10:16 pm #892261goldersgreenerParticipant
Since when can a frum website discuss whether or why to do a mitzvaAugust 20, 2012 11:19 pm at 11:19 pm #892262cinderellaMember
My problem with this topic is as follows. Why do we Jewish people rush to get married. What’s wrong with being single for a while after seminary, college… Why is it considered abnormal to want to wait? The average age to get married in the secular world is around 30. Why is it 20 in the Jewish world?
It’s okay if you want to get married young, but many people feel pressured to start dating right after they finish school.August 21, 2012 3:10 am at 3:10 am #892263yitzchokmParticipant
chazal told us when’s the best time to get married. Why would you consider what the goy does as a reference to what’s right? A lot of them don’t get married at all.
Any way you look at it, the earlier the better.August 21, 2012 3:16 am at 3:16 am #892264
I don’t think everybody is ready to get married in their early twenties. One reason people might rush, though, is because many men want young women. So, although theoretically, twenty five might be young, a woman of that age might be passed over much more often in lieu of women five to seven years younger. That puts real pressure on women to begin the search earlier than they might be ready.
We were also told by a rav of ours in seminary that it’s preferable for a woman to marry younger, closer to the time she’s in school, because she’ll more likely be influenced by her sviva and will be stronger in her yiddishkeit and will choose someone stronger in theirs (this was a bais yaakov sem, meaning, people who would still have the supports of their families outside of sem could still be pulled down by outside influences once they leave school).August 21, 2012 5:11 am at 5:11 am #892265MDGParticipant
“The average age to get married in the secular world is around 30. Why is it 20 in the Jewish world? “
Because they live immoral lives. When Goyim were more moral, they married younger on average.August 21, 2012 5:20 am at 5:20 am #892266interjectionParticipant
“Call me crazy or different but I never understood this whole excitement for dating and getting married that my friends had and frankly now that I know what I know and have seen many couples in action and very few happily married why would any single (if he or she isnt particularly bored or lonely) want to get married?”
I was like you. I loved my life and had no interest in confining myself to marriage. Especially since I’ve seen so many marriages turn awry.
I no longer share your mindset. It took incessant nagging from my bubby for me to even agree to talk to a shadchan but God made the first one be my bashert. People are frequently desperate to get married and they end up with someone they don’t deserve (for better or for worse). There is no comfort and happiness in the world as when two soulmates find each other. There’s a magnificent, deep connection two soulmates have. You know you’ve found your soulmate when you’ve found yourself in a better version. That I should find someone so unbelievably perfect for myself, was something I never could have dreamed of. Every day is beautiful because I know I can trust him to give him my life and future and I know he has done the same.
I didn’t believe in soulmates. I thought the whole concept of bashert was bogus. It took until this that I realized without any semblance of doubt that there has to be a God. God was screaming His existence throughout our entire dating and through the wedding and up until now.
Marriage is beautiful and God is wonderful for us the gift of marriage. Others may have bad experiences but it’s only because they either haven’t married their bashert or because they weren’t ready for their bashert when they got married.August 21, 2012 10:54 pm at 10:54 pm #892267cinderellaMember
Any way you look at it, the earlier the better.
Not for everyone.
Because they live immoral lives.
That is not necessarily true. What about someone who wants to focus on their career for a while? What about someone who doesn’t feel emotionally ready to get married?
I just feel that the pressure to get married straight from seminary or college isn’t healthy for everyone.August 22, 2012 3:11 am at 3:11 am #892268yytzParticipant
WIY, I recommend reading the Garden of Peace by Rav Shalom Arush. Within the first chapter or so he discusses how important it is for a man to get married (there’s a woman’s version of the book too — I haven’t read it since I’m not a woman). I’ve read many of Rav Arush’s books, and I think this is probably the most important one for people to read (although all the rest are great too), even before marriage.
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