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What is the point in a first date being 3 hours?!?! After the first half hour you know if you would like to see the person again. And if it is a bomb of a date – why should you have to go through the pain???
i cannot agree more!!!! it’s torture to sit through 3+ hours of a date when you just know it’s not for you
A First date should definitely be longer that 1/2 hour. What could you possibly get to know in that time? You have a young couple who is just getting over saying Hi to each other. There are also awkward moments to overcome. You have to give a person a chance to defrost and enjoy the date. What is the rush?
Hair…makeup…getting dressed…for HALF AN HOUR?? No way!
I agree with dunno. It is ridiculous to spend half an hour getting dressed.
dunno
Right there with you sista!
(Bad enough 9 times out of 10 you dont even get a meal… 😉
Not sure if you should be dating if you are unwilling to give the person a chance. Yes, sometimes you are quite sure that you will be saying no. In those cases, I think 2-3 hours is enough but after a half-hour, even if the person is hideous and is certainly not your “type”, it is just common decency not to signal to a person that you can’t be bothered with them for more than a half hour. This is especially true if the other person (more likely) is a girl. She spent a lot more than a half hour dressing up for the date and getting ready. Have some decency. And who knows? maybe when your guard is down and you are so “sure” that you aren’t interested, the person may say something funny or intriguing that may pique your interest and get you to say “You know, I think it would be worth it to try a second date” or at least “This wasn’t a waste of time since I learned something”
Bochur24, I liked that perspective.
It’s a common courtesy for a guy not to end the first date at least not before 2 hours. Like “Dunno” said, she worked harder then the guy to get ready.
so lets change it to 2 hours maybe 2 1/2 .. 1 hour is usally traveling(getting lost, looking for parking) and one hour to shmooze with a total stranger is more than enuf…
1.no yawning
2.no looking at your watch
3.no looking at the date’s watch
4.no claiming to be off to grandma’s funeral
5.Chayav–or to BE GRANDMA
Do look at the date!!
i don’t hink it should be a half hour date but i hate when the boy prolongs it when its obvious it doesnt click! and i happen to be a very tolerant person and i like to give people chances….
Eclipse- your points are SPOT ON and make me smile on how true they are!
A first date is usually capped at 2 hours total including travel time. If both parities have time, patience and interest, thats a different story. When people are older, things can be different. Or, if one person traveled from out-of-town
cofeefan
Reminds me of one of my dates. It was obvious (at least to me) that it just wasn’t gonna be a shidduch. By the time we got to the place I wanted to leave. He didn’t have a watch so about 2.5 hours in he asked me the time. I told him…he thinks for a second…and then asks, “So you wanna walk around a little?” I’m thinking “no way” but of course responded with “sure!”
coffeefan,thanks!
3 hours doesnt seem like much if you consider the fact that many get engaged after a short dating period. 3 hours seems like a rather small investment, when investigating your future mate. Plus even if there is no connection it is a good lesson on how to commuincate and even learn a bit about yourself…maybe there is such a shidduck crisis becase people arent giving others enough time to make an impression. no wonder there is a crisis going on….
Bochur 24 – I salute you. Aizehu chacham, halomeid mekall adam. If nothing else, you learn what you do not like, every time you go out with someone.
It is an important lesson in life to be able to spend somewhat large amounts of time with someone EVEN WHEN THERE IS NO TACHLIS, because you will encounter many people in your lifetime on job interviews, classes, you workday, etc. with whom you will not especially enjoy being. You still have to be able to carry on a conversation with many of them, and simply act civilly. Three hour dates are a good start for familiarizing you with one on one relationships that might possibly be uncomfortable. On the plus side, if you like the girl or boy, it is a nice amount of time getting to know them.
coffefan – “i cannot agree more!!!! it’s torture to sit through 3+ hours of a date when you just know it’s not for you”
What happens when you get married and you get into your first fight, which happens to almost everyone? Are you going to run home to mommy, call mommy on the phone, run into the bedroom and slam & lock the door? Sitting through a date with someone you can’t stand -for three hours -teaches the person Savlonus. This middah is key to having a relationship with anyone. People should learn from employers who give interviews. Lots of times, they know right away they have no interest in you, but they give you the same time and treat you the same way as everyone else!
Sac – If 9 times out of 10 you want a meal, offer to pay for it.
I don’t mean going Dutch, offer to pay for his too!
health- “they know right away they have no interest in you, but they give you the same time and treat you the same way as everyone else!” … who says i dont???? just beacuse i said i agree that i hate that dates sometimes seem so long does not mean i have no patience for people and act like i am having a good time on a very long date (because i happen to be a VERY patient person and always try my best to be positive in a situation something i pride myself for) or that i cant work out a fight? i fail to see the connection between the two.
and i never said anything about “someone i cant stand” i was talking about someone who is just not for me plain and simple could be the nicest guy in the universe if he is not for me it wont click and it will seem like the longest night of my life nothing to do with who he is. sometimes personalities dont click
I always felt that I should call for at least 10 minutes – up to 30 – before actually meeting. If you got nothing to talk about for 10 minutes, then 2 hours will be painful. If there was some chemistry on the phone, then it was worthwhile to go out.
I always liked longer first dates as the facade wears off. It’s really hard fake it for 3+ hours, and the real person comes out. I also liked to go out to eat on a first date, as I prefer good table manners.
CF -Noone says you don’t, but you called it torture. It’s kedai to have a little torture to break a Midah and acquire Savlonus. I never implied that you said “you can’t stand”. But being with a person that you can’t stand as opposed to someone who just is not for me, the former will help you work on your midos a lot more.
the way to get thru it is tell yourself:
I may have no interest in MARRYING this person,but:
1.it’s good manners,and a chesed to listen politely
2.MAYBE I CAN LEARN SOMETHING FROM THIS PERSON
It should be as long as it lasts.
Whatever that might be.
Part of the problem is that the dating world is so standardized; just let what happens happen & enjoy yourself!
Health- i guess i am not understanding you and you are not understanding me but i respect your opinion and i hope you respect mine too because i’m sure if i would be able to really tell you what i mean you would understand. so lets just agree to disagree?
eclpise- i know what you are saying and i am very into that as well (being able top learn something from every yid…) i work very hard on that and after each date i sit with my mother and go through the date and point out one good thing (at least) that i saw about him. it really helps me to be positive. just because i say i dont like long dates doesnt mean i am a bad dater =)
I’ve been on my first date for nearly twenty-three years…
The Wolf
coffeefan,you have the CUTEST way of disagreeing!:)
“Sitting through a date with someone you can’t stand -for three hours -teaches the person Savlonus.”
Very good point.
i try eclipse;) i dont wanna make it seem like it’s “my way or the highway” because everyone is entitled tp their own feelings! thanks!
CF – “so lets just agree to disagree?”
I’m not sure I have a disagreement with you. I think you thought since I posted to you originally, I was talking to you & only you.
I was making a point in Mussar to everyone, not just you. So- no reason to be on the defensive!
ok health fair enough =) thank you!
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