Why so many young people cant find a spouse.

Home Forums Shidduchim Why so many young people cant find a spouse.

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    This so called shidduch crisis has little if anything do with age gap.

    The premise that girls marry at 19 and boys 23 is very enchanting and sounds wonderful, however for the vast majority of frum couples, this is not the case. Shidduchim is a difficult experience and many boys an girls start at 25, an only a muniriy of girls marry under 21.

    The real problem boils down to stigma. I am not talkin from my own experience bug also fom the experience of many people i know.

    In many communities the shidduch process has become so complex and insanely judgemental that the vast majority of suggestions are rejected, even before the boy meets the girl. In some communities the following factors can be game changers as to not whether they will get married, but meet up in the first place;

    Job of parents, income of parents, siblings school reports, clothing style of boy, vague reports by some witness who claimed to have seen or know the boy, city of origin of the boy, some sin he committed which hashem forgave years ago, shoe style, glasses color, how long snd what place he learned torah in. House of fanily. Style of family. Asthma of 2nd cousin
    And the list goes on and on.

    Is it a wonder why so many young people are not getting married?
    Instead of approaching shidduchim with openness and tolerance(within the framework of halacha of course) positivity and hope, many people coming with artillery oc elimination, of judgement, misbelief and in many cases ,it is the parents themselves who are rejecting one shiduch after another without even consulting the person for who they are looking.

    The answer to this crisis is to stop thinking so much and to allow dates to happen.

    The problem is not lack of marriages, but lack of dates . It can typically take, in some kehillas, 20 even 50 suggestions until a boy meets a girl. Yes pre checks are often important ,however this whole culture of judgement is ridding boys and girls of hundreds of potential matches. Thd vast majority , although not all, concerns , questions and thoughts will be answered kn the dating itself. Genuine human interaction and emotion provides the answer to everything


    A majority of Chareidi girls are married before they’re 25.


    I once heard two older women talking about how one of them refused to let her son go out with a girl because her Bubby wears too much makeup.

    This is what we’ve come to. We dug ourselves into this hole. Only we can climb out.


    I understand your point, but allow me to interject. Many dates are dismissed solely because of looks (of you have a problem with pictures then that’s a completely different discussion, in which I disagree with you), others because of what the parents are like (I myself was redt to girls who if you Google their names you will find news articles about,), some because the siblings aren’t religious (which as someone with modern cousins who educated me ata young age, I understand the concern), some because the girl comes from a broken home (in which case the boy may want someone who observed a healthy home to emulate), and yes others because of the financial state of the girl’s family. You may view this as materialistic, but instead why not view it as responsible? I personally am not pro most guys going to kollel, but assuming that one is, or that one is currently enrolled in college (especially if one plans on becoming a professional), the boy needs to feel some sort of financial certainty inorder to responsibly get married. In our society we marry off our children at such young ages it’s practically impossible for them to get married with enough money to support themselves.

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