Why Won’t My Mother Let Me Get A Shidduch?

Home Forums Shidduchim Why Won’t My Mother Let Me Get A Shidduch?

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  • #1672044

    MTG
    Participant

    i’m 21 and almost 22, and my mother doesn’t want me too get married. what do I do?

    #1672105

    anon1m0us
    Participant

    go to the 5 towns a pick up a boy! That may change her mind 🙂

    #1672107

    👑RebYidd23
    Participant

    Just don’t tell her.

    #1672134

    Chabadshlucha
    Participant

    Why doesn’t she?

    #1672136

    funnybone
    Participant

    Two options,
    1. Ask some anonymous people in the CR.
    2. Find someone qualified to ask.

    #1672137

    613gersh
    Participant

    MTG

    U need to speak to rebbetzin/rebbe
    or a therapist don’t ask anonymous people

    #1672138

    Freddyfish
    Participant

    Something sounds fishy?!?!😉

    #1672147

    klugeryid
    Participant

    Troll

    #1672152

    👑RebYidd23
    Participant

    Anonymous people on the Internet think so little of anonymous people on the Internet.

    #1672276

    knaidlach
    Participant

    you should discuss this with a rav or a rebetsin.
    im sure the first question they will ask is WHY?

    #1672277

    Gadolhadorah
    Participant

    Perhaps your mother is sort of old-fashioned and prefers you not find a shidduch until you have a get from your current wife.

    #1672317

    Joseph
    Participant

    If your mother tells you to violate Shabbos, you must disregard her. If your mother tells you to violate your obligation to get married now, you must disregard her.

    #1672344

    bk613
    Participant

    Run away from home, cut off all contact with everyone you know, especially your parents. Reach out to the organization Libbi for support. This is your only option to build a true bayis neeman biyisroel.

    #1672329

    funnybone
    Participant

    Joseh: can you back your statement that she has an obligation to get married?

    #1672396

    ZionGate
    Participant

    Seriously, there are mothers who hold on to their sons and won’t let them marry. I know of 2 cases where the men married after mom passed away, and they were now in their 50s.

    #1672400

    Yserbius123
    Participant

    Professor Quirrell anything to add to this? Maybe something you want to shout in the Great Hall before fainting?

    #1672403

    Genya
    Participant

    She prefer you stay a spinster or bachelor and devote your entire life to taking care of her?

    #1672418

    Joseph
    Participant

    funnybone:: There’s no reason to think that he’s exempt from his obligation to get married.

    #1672445

    👑RebYidd23
    Participant

    Cutting off all contact is unnecessary. The mother just doesn’t have to know if MTG gets married. They can still have a relationship; but MTG’s mother will not know everything about her child’s life.

    #1672447

    funnybone
    Participant

    Maybe your mom is right? Is it possible that you arent mature enough to get married?

    #1672450

    Libbi
    Participant

    There is a certain Goyishkeit implanted in American people that a boy is not mature until he is 23. When Chazal say & Halacha Paskens that a Bachur should get married younger, it means that he is mature at a much younger age. He does not have to be a Ben Arboim Le`Binah to get married.
    Also now that surveys show, that by the time a 800 boys become 23, 1000 girls become 19, why would someone take part in causing girls to stay single. It borders on Achzorius to their own daughter, niece, cousin or other girls. The Gedoilim in EY Paskened there is a Lo SaAmod Al Dam RayEcho on boys delaying Shidduchim.

    #1672477

    Joseph
    Participant

    I’m not sure what religion some of the posters here are from, but in my religion we know Shemona Esrei L’Chuppa. And that’s when you should be married by, not when to start thinking about marriage.

    #1672481

    ☕ DaasYochid ☕
    Participant

    There is a certain Goyishkeit implanted in American people that a boy is not mature until he is 23.

    Why do you assume this is a boy?

    #1672482

    ☕ DaasYochid ☕
    Participant

    Furthermore, why do you assume that “he” is mature enough to get married?

    #1672495

    yaakov doe
    Participant

    Perhaps because posing such a question here shows a lack of maturity?

    #1672493

    👑RebYidd23
    Participant

    Age.

    #1672494

    👑RebYidd23
    Participant

    Oops.

    #1672507

    ☕ DaasYochid ☕
    Participant

    Libbi:

    There is a certain Goyishkeit implanted in American people that a boy is not mature until he is 23. When Chazal say & Halacha Paskens that a Bachur should get married younger, it means that he is mature at a much younger age.

    This is subject to change as the generations get weaker. See Rabbeinu Yonah quoted by Pischei Teshuvah at the beginning of Even Ho’ezer.

    Joseph:

    I’m not sure what religion some of the posters here are from, but in my religion we know Shemona Esrei L’Chuppa.

    The same religion as Rabbeinu Yonah. It’s called Judaism. What’s yours called?

    #1672514

    Joseph
    Participant

    DY: What’s the maare makom for delaying marriage, especially if one isn’t doing so for Limud Torah?

    #1672510

    Libbi
    Participant

    Daas Yochid
    How come all orthodox religious Jewish boys are in Shidduchim by 21. They don`t know of this Rabainu Yonah?
    Its the American Goyishkiet, that ignores: VeLoi SoSuru, Kedusha & etc.

    #1672527

    ☕ DaasYochid ☕
    Participant

    DY: What’s the maare makom for delaying marriage, especially if one isn’t doing so for Limud Torah?

    What do you mean? I just gave it to you.

    #1672528

    ☕ DaasYochid ☕
    Participant

    How come all orthodox religious Jewish boys are in Shidduchim by 21.

    Not all are.

    They don`t know of this Rabainu Yonah?

    Probably not. Maybe you should take out ads informing the tzibur.

    #1672532

    LOTR92
    Participant

    @daasYochid
    He is a boy

    #1672535

    knafaym
    Participant

    1. She’s right
    Or
    2. She only sees her own needs not yours.

    pick one

    #1672566

    ☕ DaasYochid ☕
    Participant

    @daasYochid
    He is a boy

    Could be. How do you know?

    #1672919

    LOTR92
    Participant

    I know him

    #1672930

    ☕ DaasYochid ☕
    Participant

    So you’d be in the perfect position to say if it’s him or his mother!

    I wouldn’t expect you to say it’s him since he probably knows who you are as well. 🙂

    #1672941

    LOTR92
    Participant

    Got it in one.
    my lips are sealed 😉

    #1673185

    Libbi
    Participant

    Public notice
    The Pischai Tchuvos in Even Ezer is only related to getting married before 18. Since the Mechaber says that its better from the Bar Mitzva, the Pischai Tchuve says that in our days people are weaker and they should not consider Shidduchim from the Bar Mitzve. But Chas Ve`Sholom to say that the Pischai Tchuve allows the Goyishkeit of delaying till 23.
    LeChu VeNoshuvo El hashem, & start younger.
    Lman Bnos Yisroel

    #1673192

    ☕ DaasYochid ☕
    Participant

    Nice that you finally looked it up.

    The point is that as the generations become weaker, the age could change, and it’s not against Chazal to say that.

    The Pischei Teshuvah (b’shem Rabbeinu Yonah) indeed didn’t specify that boys should delay past 18. He also didn’t live in our generation.

    The yesod laid out though, is that Chazal didn’t give an absolute number regardless of the maturity level of the boy.

    So, if in a particular generation, it is deemed by its gedolim that boys are often not mature enough to get married until 22-23, they’re not chas v’shalom going against Chazal.

    I think you actually agree with the yesod of Rabbeinu Yonah. I don’t see you pushing for boys to start going out at 17.

    #1673203

    Joseph
    Participant

    Chasidim go out at 17. So do Yidden in Eretz Yisroel. And they live in the same generation as we do.

    Where have the Gedolim today said not to get married at 18? I don’t know any consensus of Litvish Gedolim advocating anything like that.

    And, no, just because most Litvaks don’t get married at 18 doesn’t mean the Gedolim approve. They’re not protesting can simply mean they feel that, even though they should get married then, their protests will fall on deaf ears.

    #1673206

    ☕ DaasYochid ☕
    Participant

    17 is highly unusual, even in Eretz Yisroel and even among chassidim. Maybe 20 for chassidim. Are they defying Chazal?

    No litvish Rosh Yeshiva is telling his talmidim to go out at 17 maybe a few are going along with 21, but many aren’t. So you have a choice; either nobody is going against Chazal, or they’re all going against Chazal.

    According to Rabbeinu Yonah none are going against Chazal, but there maybe a difference of opinion as to when boys are typically ready to get married.

    According to Rabbeinu Joseph and Rabbeinu Libbi they’re all going against Chazal.

    #1673212

    bk613
    Participant

    There is not a single litvish gadol who advocates litvish boys getting married at 18. Not one, even LIBBI and NASI aren’t suggesting such asinine ideas. If you are correct that many do feel that 18 is the correct age but don’t express that because no one would listen to them , I submit that they are not gedolim. A gadol doesn’t with hold from a psak because he doesn’t think people will listen to him.

    #1673244

    philosopher
    Participant

    Joseph, that is not accurate. Most Chasidim do not go out at 17 years of age ( actually most Chassidim do not go out at all- we have beshows). We started listening to shidduchim for my son when he was 19 and he got married by 20. My 19 year old daughter just started shidduchim, most of the boy’s that are read are alproximately 20 years of age. We are a regular Chassidishe family listening to regular Chassidishe boys. My daughter has only 4 engaged girls out of her class of 30. She attended a very Chassidishe school.

    Even Satmer boys who get engaged young are generally at least 18 years of age while there could be kallahs 17 years of age but they wait until they are 18 to get married and they are a minority. Most boys and girls in the very frum Chassidishe crowd are at least 18 when they start listening. I do know of a Rebbishe girl who got engaged at 16 and married at 17. But even for Rebbishe, it is very young. My friend has an 18 year old son in Satmer yeshiva and none of his classmates are engaged yet.

    The trend is certainly not 17 years of age. In Israel 17 years of age is also not the norm. Maybe by the Meah Shaerim Chassidishe like Reb Aharon’s Chassidim, maybe they go at that age. I’m not familiar with that shidduchim scene.

    #1673268

    Mammele
    Participant

    R’ Yoely Roth (Breslov) has a song about marrying kids young to “fix” virtually all issues a boy/girl has. Not that I agree with him, but he does mean it lishmuh. And he has a pretty large following, that seems to be increasing. I don’t think he specifies an exact age in the song.

    Just thought it needed to be said…

    #1673274

    philosopher
    Participant

    .ammeleh, is the song a joke perhaps? Some issues that people think kids have are non-issues, today everything is exaggerated. But real issues become bigger after marriage. Marriage is not a fix for those who have major issues.

    #1673544

    Mammele
    Participant

    Philosopher: Not a joke. Issues like lack of sippuk or a teenager being rebellious towards parents. Sometimes marriage can reframe a person’s outlook, and the pressures on a young girl/Bochur are great if one doesn’t fit the mold, so I hear his point. However, even if likely true, it’s still a big risk to marry someone off without working on these issues first.

    I’d have to find the song and listen to the whole thing to better explain it, but he’s a “Mashpia”, not some prankster.

    #1673968

    👑RebYidd23
    Participant

    What is the song called?

    #1674105

    knaidlach
    Participant

    mammelle.
    sounds strange to me to let a boy or girl get married when they have issues, hoping it will clear up after marriage. issues should be dealt with before marriage and in a professional way. better chance for a good and lasting marriage.

    #1674141

    👑RebYidd23
    Participant

    Not all issues can be dealt with. People still need to get married even if they have problems they’ll always live with.

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