Why Won’t My Mother Let Me Get A Shidduch?

Expectancy, maturity and responsibility have changed greatly in the past few centuries. First, when you look at a recommendation to marry young, life expectancy before the 1700’s was 25-30. By 1900, it jumped to 40. By 2000, it was 68. So where you needed to have children by 18 to raise them, you can safely delay that to 30.

At one point, all men learned a trade by working it, all women learned housework and raising younger siblings from helping. Most people didn’t get a formal education. Even when they did, they were required to run the family business while studying. Now with the Industrial Age we have the ability to raise learners instead of workers. But instead of just learning your father’s trade, you are required general knowledge. A woman who previously learned to raise a household now takes on a career to support the family.

Needless to say, we don’t need Shidduchim at 18–19. Delaying marriage and children by just 2-3 years will allow men and women to learn and earn, which will help their family in the future.

“My 19 year old daughter just started shidduchim, most of the boy’s that are read are alproximately 20 years of age. We are a regular Chassidishe family listening to regular Chassidishe boys. My daughter has only 4 engaged girls out of her class of 30. She attended a very Chassidishe school.

Even Satmer boys who get engaged young are generally at least 18 years of age while there could be kallahs 17 years of age but they wait until they are 18 to get married and they are a minority. Most boys and girls in the very frum Chassidishe crowd are at least 18 when they start listening. I do know of a Rebbishe girl who got engaged at 16 and married at 17. But even for Rebbishe, it is very young. My friend has an 18 year old son in Satmer yeshiva and none of his classmates are engaged yet.

The trend is certainly not 17 years of age. In Israel 17 years of age is also not the norm. Maybe by the Meah Shaerim Chassidishe like Reb Aharon’s Chassidim, maybe they go at that age. I’m not familiar with that shidduchim scene.”

17-18 years old is good for shidduchim. You get married and you grow/mature together as a couple. The younger, the easier it is to form a relationship.

“R’ Yoely Roth (Breslov) has a song about marrying kids young to “fix” virtually all issues a boy/girl has. Not that I agree with him, but he does mean it lishmuh. And he has a pretty large following, that seems to be increasing. I don’t think he specifies an exact age in the song.”

Yes this is true. When people marry, they generally become better and are more likely to follow the right path. You have a direction in life, a purpose to take care of your family, and it is good.