Would You Marry A Divorcee? (If you were never previously married.)

Home Forums Shidduchim Would You Marry A Divorcee? (If you were never previously married.)

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  • #605390

    sushee
    Member

    Why yes or why not?

    (And specify gender.)

    #900494

    YehudahTzvi
    Participant

    No.

    Kohain. 🙂

    #900495

    there is no black and white answer. i would definitely speak to my rav about it, but i wouldn’t say a flat-out no b/c he’s divorced.

    it would depend on so many things…

    it would make a difference to me how long he was previously married, whether he has kids, why he divorced, etc.

    #900496

    Curiosity
    Participant

    If she doesn’t have kids, and if it’s a scenario wherein which it’s clear the divorce wasn’t her fault, like if her ex was crazy/abusive… People often grow from these experiences, not get worse. I feel like a divorcee in these cases has a certain maturity and realistic expectations for a marriage that newly single people don’t. On the other hand, it’s nice to know ur on an equal learning curve as ur never-married spouse – experiencing marriage for the first time together with no previous benchmarks to match. But I’m not talking from any experience, this is all conjecture.

    #900497

    Poster
    Member

    How old you?

    #900498

    oomis
    Participant

    Given the statistical probability that many young couples are getting divorced, unfortunately it seems to be that there will be many such marriages being made (not with a kohein obviously). I would first want to know exactly why the first marriage broke up.

    #900499

    WolfishMusings
    Participant

    If she was the right one for me, why not?

    The Wolf

    #900500

    besalel
    Participant

    a common response seems to be: i would want to know why the divorce. i am not so sure that is so important. in almost every divorce the one side thinks the other side was a vildeh chaya (or the shvigger was). in almost all cases that is not really true. i think the reason for divorce – unless its something crazy like “she was arrested for running a meth lab” or something like that – does not really speak about the person all that much.

    #900501

    sof davar
    Member

    “she was arrested for running a meth lab”

    Why are you giving out personal information about my ex on this website?

    #900502

    WIY
    Member

    I am a male and no I would not marry a divorcee as it seems from the many I have met that they are quite scarred…

    #900503

    funnybone
    Participant

    I would consider it a con on my list of pros and cons. Now… what are the pros? What are YOUR cons? You need someone who knows you personally to help you sort this one out.

    #900505

    WIY
    Member

    Sushee

    Even if we wouldn’t, that should not influence your decision. Personally my opinion is that guys handle divorce better than girls so I do think a divorced guy will have less baggage than a divorced girl and is more marketable. However at the end of the day whatever you do make sure you look into it with a fine toothed comb because divorce can often mean that one or both of the parties is just not capable of having a healthy relationship with the opposite gender.

    #900506

    Health
    Participant

    sushee – Obviously divorced people in our society are not on equal footing as non-divorced. At a certain age both genders should consider it. At younger ages there are cases of where people have done it, but they found out the person’s Maalos outweighed the Chesronos!

    #900507

    Curiosity
    Participant

    I think the reason ppl want to know the cause of the divorce is because many people come from a family where divorce is taboo, and it’s not really an option except in extenuating circumstances like abuse, underground meth labs, etc. Therefore if the potential shidduch divorced bc of less severe circumstances it’s a sign that they don’t view divorce with as much gravity, and that’s a big factor which can make or break the deal.

    #900508

    Chortkov
    Participant

    Yehuda zvi cannot be a kohein if he is from aminodov! (See subtitle)

    And don’t you think that this thread should be closed because it has potential to insult people here?

    #900509

    oomis
    Participant

    A person contemplating marrying a divorce(e) has every right to know what happened (and to find out from BOTH sides, if possible), just as one has the right to know why an engagement broke up. There could be “insignificant” issues, i.e. she is not the best cook, he doesn’t like to go out much (not really insignificant, but compared to really serious things it surely is not something we would think of as a deal-breaker)or it could be something along the lines of someone having a mental or physical health issue which was deliberately not disclosed prior to the wedding, or perhaps the in-laws are excessively interfering. These are things the person has every right to research.

    #900510

    anon1m0us
    Participant

    I would have to ask my wife first.

    #900511

    avhaben
    Participant

    Why is the Halacha that a Kohen cannot marry a gerusha (female divorcee)?

    Obviously, being a gerusha is considered a mum (defect). Therefore a Kohen (who are on an elevated level) cannot marry one. And the mum isn’t the simple fact that she was already married, as the Halacha allows a Kohen to marry an almana (widow). The mum is her being a divorcee.

    [The above issue does not apply to a man who divorced his wife. He has no inherent restrictions on whom he can later marry. And he has no special status in Halacha any different than a never-married man.]

    #900512

    If one marries a divorcee with kids, one will also be “married” to her ex who has visitation rights.

    #900513

    I would not marry a divorcee if I was single. Too risky. You’ll never get the whole story. (However there can be an exception to this in extraordinary circumstances).

    #900514

    YehudahTzvi
    Participant

    Yekke2: “Yehuda zvi cannot be a kohein if he is from aminodov! (See subtitle)

    And don’t you think that this thread should be closed because it has potential to insult people here?”

    As opposed to your insulting comment about me? I did not make the subtitle. It was erroneously given to me by one of the mods. My wife’s family is Ben Dovid – not mine. That is to whom the mod was referring when he gave me the subtitle.

    But thanks for the rude questioning of my yichus!

    #900515

    Imaofthree
    Participant

    oomis, but how do you find out the details of the divorce, each side has a different story, the guy thinks he is right and the girl thinks she is right! What questions can someone ask to find out the truth?

    #900516

    sof davar
    Member

    “Yehuda zvi cannot be a kohein if he is from aminodov!”

    Aharon Hakohen’s wife was Elisheva Bas Aminodov. Therefore, ALL Kohanim are descendants of Aminodov.

    #900517

    shmendrick
    Member

    It would be a great mitzvah for the ex-husband to remarry his ex-wife – if it is feasible (and he isn’t a kohen and she did not remarry in the interim).

    This was a CR thread: Mitzvah to Remarry Your Ex-Wife.

    The Jerusalem Talmud Ketubot 11:3 learns this from Isaiah 58:7, where the prophet exhorts the Jew not to “hide from your flesh,” i.e. to look out for our relatives. Rabbi Yaakov says in the name of Rabbi Eleazar that this applies even to one’s ex-wife.

    While the Talmud does not explicitly say that the way one takes care of his ex-wife is by remarrying her, many later halachic authorities understand the Talmud to be saying that it is a mitzvah to remarry one’s ex-wife.

    See Sha’alot U’teshuvot Tashbetz 3:9; Sha’alot U’teshuvot Avnei Sha’ish 1:42; and Sefer Hachinuch Mitzva 580.

    But don’t look for such mitzvos of divorcing your wife just to remarry her.

    #900518

    I’m 25 and single. At this age it makes little sense to marry a divorcee through the shidduch process. The shidduch process we have in place is a vetting process, it therefore works on a market level. As such, in the situation where I am now it would be foolish to take a chance with such an issue. However, if in the future I were to meet someone outside the shidduch process or if I was to reach an age where the market would lead me in that direction, I would take take it under consideration and not reject it out of hand. I apologize for trying to remove emotional issues so the question could be addressed seriously and honestly.

    #900519

    Health
    Participant

    chassidishY.U.type -“I would not marry a divorcee if I was single.”

    I can understand this.

    “Too risky. You’ll never get the whole story.”

    Yes, it’s risky, but so is going into any marriage.

    By even some regular people, you don’t always get the whole story. A lot of people, even non-previous married, don’t give out the whole truth and are deceptive.

    I, as a divorced guy would tell my date the whole truth, but not necessarily on the first few dates.

    #900520

    Yussel
    Participant

    I was single and married a divorced woman with children. I’m happy I did.

    #900521

    oomis
    Participant

    You know how people research shidduchim to death? Well when the shidduch is with someone who was previously married and divorced, that research actually makes more sense. Surely people in the community and family members on both sides can offer some insight. Former friends of the couple from his and her side can be approached. I am not saying it is easy, but asking the person directly (after a couple of dates) is not out of order.

    #900522

    🍫Syag Lchochma
    Participant

    I went out with a guy who had been married for three months. Supposedly his ex forgot to leave her parents behind when she got married. After an hour on the first date he asked me what my dad does for a living and if he would support us.

    Some people have issues separate from their being divorced.

    #900523

    Curiosity
    Participant

    Oomis – I would presume somebody who gets divorced over trivial reasons is far riskier to marry than someone who divorces over a reason that’s serious. There are never any guarantees, but it appears to me a sign of a lack of commitment or of immature expectations of marriage if someone divorces for silly reasons. Of course I mean when the “serious reason” was not effected by the person in question, but by the ex-spouse.

    #900524

    golfer
    Participant

    Thanks, Yussel.

    So nice to read a happy post from a happily married poster!

    I always liked happy endings!

    #900525

    oomis
    Participant

    would presume somebody who gets divorced over trivial reasons is far riskier to marry than someone who divorces over a reason that’s serious”

    I don’t necessarily disagree with you. it may be, however, ther easons are “trivial” because the couple is still too immature to get married, a phenomenon which we see more and more, as couples who are not independent are getting married too young, and really are only playing at marriage. They are for whatever reason not ready for the real challenges of married life. And my generation has done that to many of them, by fostering a co-dependency on the parents. Serious reasons do not often manifest themselves until the couple has really gotten to know each other. That often does not happen until after marriage nowadays.

    #900526

    notasheep
    Member

    this topic doesn’t really apply cause I am already married but I think it really depends on the situation and has to be considered

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