Yahrzeit – Stressful Day?

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    The Frumguy

    I find that the days of my parents’ Yahrzeits to be highly stressful. Between making sure I can get to daven at the amud (sometimes I’m not successful), saying brochos and learning l’ilui nishmasam and sending out Tzedaka checks, it’s very anxiety-ridden.

    Anyone else out there feel the same? Any solutions as to how I can combat this?



    Go to a minyan regularly for several days before and tell the gabbai you have a yahrzeit coming up.

    Do research on where you would like to send tzedakah and just write and mail the check on the day of your liking.

    Sleep well for several days before so you can utilize each hour of the day properly.


    1. If you daven in a small shul, it is unlikely there will be more than two people with the same yertzeit (unless the parent was killed in a mass casulty incident, though except for 9-11 there really haven’t been any since World War II). The bigger the shul, the more likely there are multiple people with yerzeits. Presumably you are a “regular” in the shul. If you are able/expected to make kiddush the Shabbos before, and to bring food on the day of the yertziet, that smooths things over.

    2. There is no halacha you have to daven all tefilos in their entirely on a yertzeit. Sharing is customary. Obviously this is a problem if you follow the western European “yekke” minhag that only one person says kaddish at a time — due to many mass casulty incidents in the past, most Asheknazim adopted the minhag of everyone with a hi’yuv say kaddish together.

    3. If you regularly learn, why would learning on the yerzeit be a problem. If you don’t regularly learn Torah, that is a much bigger problem.


    Research your parents’ families, find out what made them the great people that they became. See how you can apply this in your life.


    There is no halacha you have to daven all tefilos in their entirely on a yertzeit.

    Indeed. I’m in the middle of aveilus now, but I make a policy that if anyone else wants to daven, I let them. I only go up to daven if no one else wants to. The last thing I want to happen is that there should be any fights or bad feelings on my mother’s account.

    The Wolf


    Very sorry for your loss The Wolf.


    Wolfie, You’re an example to us all. Folks, that’s the difference between a ba’al nefesh and a “ba’al nefesh”. May you mother’s neshama have an aliyah and may the Almighty dry the tears on every face.


    Thank you.

    The Wolf

    The Frumguy

    I did exactly that — someone else went over to daven and I didn’t say anything.


    Wolf, my condolences. I don’t know you personally (at least, I think not), but it seems that your mom raised a mensch.

    I also didn’t say anything when others davened during my aveilut. I think there were 2 or 3 others in aveilut at the same time I was, and we just naturally took turns. A yahrzeit always took precedence (plus, I was glad to have the day off).

    Regarding the OP, the yahrzeit days are a bit stressful, especially since I can’t visit the graves. However, I daven for the amud, bring some schnapps and nosh in the morning, and spend the day thinking about (and missing) the parent. I also sponsor the shiur I attend on the Shabbat before.


    Indeed. I’m in the middle of aveilus now, but I make a policy that if anyone else wants to daven, I let them. Bear in mind:

    1) A Yahrzeit has Kedimo over an Oveil during his 11 months

    2) Whereas one can go to great stride for 1 day, it is almost impossible to go to such strides for an entire 11 months, day in day out.

    3) Statistically, there are far more days spent as an Oveil, than as a Yahrzeit, because on average one goes thru 30 Yahrzeits per parent, assuming average age difference between parent & child to be 30 years, where the 11 months is approximately 324 days.

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