Yated Shiduch Forum 1-11-13

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    In this past weeks Yated Shiduch Forum, the questioner mentioned a former teacher who bad mouthed a former student and refuses to stop even though this student changed and asked mechilah from the teacher. As the Yeted will probably not print too many letters, I’d like to hear what the CR chevra thinks about this.


    Without really knowing the details, and assuming that the student truly changed and sincerely asked for mechilah, I believe it is absolutely awful on the part of the teacher to do this. No matter WHAT the student did, the teacher at this point should not be speaking loshon hara about something that occurred in the past. Unless the teacher has reason to believe that the student has really NOT changed, there is no purpose served by bad-mouthing him or her.


    What’s there to say? The teacher has problems, and should see a therapist.

    You think the student has it bad? Try being that teacher’s husband for a day.


    I refer you to the response already meted out by Rabbi Boruch Ber Yoffe:- The teacher is a Rosho.

    Anyone whoever dealt with teenagers and then saw the same individual years later, knows that teenage-hood [or childhood for that matter] is a phase that we eventually grow out of as we mature, so if the teacher doesn’t know that, she doesn’t belong in a teaching [nor a babysitting] position. Period.

    Meanwhile stay away from individuals out to harm us. As for the individual wishing to harm, let haShem sort them out.

    Ctrl Alt Del

    I think my biggest issue this story is why does one teacher have so much pull regarding this student. I was an idiot in school and a pretty bad kid. And though I’m sure that my “report” was not good, I ignored it. As did my shidduch who is now wife. because as a grown-up I became a different person. How sad that we allow the system to entrust so much power in the hands of so few. IMHO if potential shidduch takes what a former teacher has to say so seriously that they would write you off a because of it, consider yourself lucky. You have dodged a bullet.


    the teacher probably told him ‘one day you will thank me for giving bad information’


    I didn’t understand why she didn’t just list two other people from that time of her life. Didn’t any of her other high school teachers like her?


    On the surface it seems like Rabbi Yoffe’s statement is the most accurate answer. That said, as this was written from the perspective of only one party, there’s more to the story than meets the eye.

    I read the full question and it sounded like the girl was a bully back in high school, so while the girl may have apologized to the teacher, what about her other victims? A good teacher would guide her/his student that while they can be mochel on their honor, they can’t be mochel on sonmeone else’s, and the girl must be mefayes her friends who were harmed by her. The bully refused to do this. From the teacher’s line of “I know, what I know” that she feels the baalas middos raos would be a disaster as a wife and a poor excuse for a mother.

    Let bullies who aren’t mefayes the ones they harmed hair turn white before they can get married.


    artchill, I agree with you and I cant believe no one else said this. WE ARE ONLY HEARING ONE SIDE OF THE STORY.

    It is so obvious that there is a second side.

    I wouldnt say the teacher is a tzadeikes, but I certainly wouldn’t call her …… before I hear her out.


    It is quite simple if she asked a shaila from a moreh horaah then i have no problem. If the teacher did not then whatever her personal reasons are she is a rasha end of story.


    popa bar abba: lol!! literally cant stop laughing!! i love that line!!

    Poster: Its true that there are 2 sides to every story. However, in this case, as is with all shidduchim, if you dont have something nice to say, a teacher can simply say they dont remember the student so well….as i am typing this, i am thinking along ‘the other side’. If there is something that the girl did back then that could possibly lead to a disastrous marriage, it might be good idea to warn the prospective boy; although i cant imagine what someone could have done while in school that could be so bad that would destroy a marriage…

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