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So It comes before Rosh Hashona, and everyone is busy making calls and wishing everyone wonderful brochos. When you meet people in the street it’s w”Ksiva Vchasim Tova” and those type of brochos. It’s soo wonderful. It really is. Everyone is wishing the next brochos.
Among those out there are thousands of singles, girls and boys alike. They also are the recipients of these brochos. But by them it seems very different. I’ll elaborate.
Let’s say you have a friend who has been married for a few years and hasn’t had a kid yet. Most people realize that it becomes a very sensitive topic for that person. And when giving that person a brocha I don’t think that most people would explicitly state that they should be zocha to have a kid this year, or that “This year should be the year”. I think it’s very well understood that since it’s a sensitive topic you wouldn’t speak it out like that and you would just give a general brocha.
So now back to Shidduchim. Why when it comes to singles do people not realize that it’s a sensitive topic. and it’s a stab in the heart when one gives a brocha that “this should be the year”. Or that one should find “their zivug hagun bekorov”. Or….here’s a new one. So your standing next to a guy on Rosh Hashona…and he says “Next year you should come back with at talis” SHKOYACH. Here’s a VERY common one. You come to join in your friends simcha and enhance his chasuna. And you go wish him Mazel tov…and what does he reply? IYH by u! Yes we all know that everyone means well. But understand that when one comes to enhance your simcha he perhaps wants to forget about his own problems and join you in your simcha. And when he gets wished “IYH by you” he’s getting reminded of his own problems and getting stabbed in his heart.
This is just my personal opinion which I think represents the vast majority of singles. What does the CR have to say?
WB Hashem Is Everywhere! It’s been a long time since you’ve last commented.
There is a lot of free advice out there that can end up being very costly. If someone initiates the topic as to why someone is still single it seems as though they are just checking if the person is “normal” – otherwise they would be married, right? My suggestion is, do not bring up the topic unless you are prepared to actively help the person find a partner. That means you already have a possible shiduch . Moreover, don’t give unsolicited advice such as “go on such-a-such website”. You could end up making things ten times worse. Also, how do you think the person will feel when they go home alone after your little talk?
I know someone who told his chaver on Simchas Torah after chosson bereishis May you be zocheh to stand under another chupa this year, and that year the chaver’s daughter found her zivug and he takeh stood under another chupa that year. Just shows that a birkas hedyot given with the best of intentions can be mekuyem.
HIE: Do you think couples without children for a long time sould not be given the kovod and inherent bracha of being kvatter at a Bris?
When i was single the worst feeling was being forgotten and not feeling that it didnt bother anyone that i was still single. Being given brochos and stuff… felt good cause, I got a anf secondly it means i was in someones thought and not forgotten and given up on.
Everyone has nisyonos. A well meant Bracha is a beautiful thing. Most people with these struggles I know would appreciate the Bracha rather than feel badly because of it. They are aware of the Nisayon, and appreciate the thoughts of other people.
The opposite scenario- Not giving the Bracha to such a person- They may feel just as bad that you are not thinking about them! Imagine an older single going up to a Chosson/ Kallah to wish Mazal Tov and not getting anything back, just thanks etc. Wouln’t they feel bad they aren’t being thought of?
FINALLY!
…….do you ever read the shidduch roundtable-check out this weeks?
and just for the record-there’s iyH by you…..and then there’s IYH!!!!! BY!!!! YOU!!!!
and just to add to your list ever went to a Simcha or in shul and a guy stops you and tells you his ideas for you in front of everyone?Joseph- I’m just recalling the good old CR days, I think we used to fight alot back then(:
Hey, I’m more than happy to bring back the good ‘ole days. Say over a nice juicy shtickel of apikorsus and I’ll be down your back in a jiffy. 😂
I’m actually a single girl and I do relate quite a bit- I agree that the worst feeling is ‘feeling forgotten about,’ but I do find it comforting when people tell me that they’re davening for me…
What I really dislike is the fact that single girls (I’m not sure if it applies to boys as well) can be at work (I’m talking about a frum environment) and will always be 2nd class- no matter the age (think: opinion, wages, hours). As soon as one has a sheital on their head (and probably a Tallis too :-)), the Parsha seems to change completely!
My favorite line is always “Those hours are fine for you because you don’t have a family…”
Mount: it’s rude that people assume you have more flexibility with hoursbut lets face it-you do
What I believe is most important to address in relation to this matter is the maxim that “you should not embarrass your fellow in public” since bringing the blood to the face of your fellow is likened to spilling blood.
The modern saying “I could have died!” attests to this ancient maxim.
For example, on Simchah Torah as a fellow was departing the Bima, I overheard the Rabbi gently and quietly say to him “may you merit to have children by next year”.
He didn’t blurt it out for the whole congregation to hear so therefore it was relatively acceptable. Having said that I now know that this gentleman and his wife are probably experiencing fertility problems and since I am not amongst their circle of intimate friends I assume that they might have be uncomfortable having that information “out there”.
In relation to CG1994 comment, there is no information to support his or her assertion and so this illustrates the genesis of lashon hara. For example, a married couple born to wealthy families may well have nanny’s and all sorts of family support including subsidised income. The wife might not need to work and in fact they may have been well provided for from before the time that their marriage was arranged for them and everything handed to them on a silver platter.
The single woman who CG1994 addresses clearly has to work for herself and has not been given a head start. Do you think she does nothing in her spare time? Perhaps she looks after a sick parent, her siblings or friends children, or actively attends women’s groups and shiurim. What gives CG1994 the right to jump to the conclusion that this single lady can be expected to drop her commitments?CG1994: Says who? You know what’s going on in every single person’s life? I wasn’t talking about the facts, I was referring to the sensitivity behind the comment.
HIE: I agree 100%.
Bottom line to everyone out there (and I’m talking to myself in different situations too), to try and think before blurting, too often we are hurting people without even realizing. The situations are endless…David Y: That was articulated very well!
Mount-who can understand you more than me? Look-according to how you present your story I experience this all to many times myself. Is it rude? YES! Is it onas devarim-sure! However, I am learning that being overly sensitive about this makes it harder for you. I try and try and really try not to give two hoots about what rude people say because it’s painful and a waste of time. Sometimes it is easier to look at the facts and take it from there rather than analyze.
To all
It’s a bit ridiculous
Tell someone, have a great day!!
That’s insensitive! Maybe they are about to go for a chemo treatment and you don’t know about it
Wish them nachas from their children? They have one child off the derech, or a child who died, so now you caused them pain.Ask for a favor? They would need to ask their husband or wife who doesn’t like to do it, now you made שלום בית problem
Every action you do can potentially cause someone grief quite easily.
Turns out New Yorkers, who for so long have been on the receiving end of excoriation for ignoring everyone, are actually the most sensitive people around!!!!
Who knew!!
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