yes another shidduch question
Home › Forums › Shidduchim › yes another shidduch question
- This topic has 24 replies, 21 voices, and was last updated 11 years, 6 months ago by bpt.
October 4, 2011 1:42 am at 1:42 am #599739taking a breakMember
i’m not in a rush to get married. there. i said it. i turned 20 in the spring and i’m in my second year of college. i went to a BY for HS and a good sem here in America. and i don’t feel a rush to get married. is there something wrong with me? my parents wanted me to go to more shadchanim and push me places and i told them i don’t want to do that. my priority right now is to finish my degree (IY”H this year). but that doesn’t mean that if a name is suggested we will decline right away. is it “normal” not to want to rush? yes i want to get married and raise a BN”B but i don’t feel that at 20 it is necessary to panic. all of my other friends live and breathe shidduchim and i feel as though i haven’t “reached” that developmental milestone. or maybe i’m the norm. or maybe i’m not. HELP! i’m so foncused about what to feel. on one hand i feel guilty for not pushing and rushing but on the other side if feel like i don’t have that pressure yet. can anyone here help sort out these ambivalent feelings?October 4, 2011 2:36 am at 2:36 am #814647Sam2Participant
I’m a 22-year-old guy who feels the exact same way and was told that I am “weird” for that. So if you’re not normal at least you’re not alone in your abnormality. 🙂October 4, 2011 2:36 am at 2:36 am #814648yitayningwutParticipant
Good for you.October 4, 2011 2:40 am at 2:40 am #814649shlishiMember
I don’t think you ought to “panic”, but you should get married as soon as possible. And surely not push it off for college. You can get your “MRS” :). It’s better to get married younger for many reasons.October 4, 2011 2:51 am at 2:51 am #814650MiddlePathParticipant
taking a break, there is nothing wrong with that. It’s great that you have your priorities, and you shouldn’t let outside pressure cloud your judgement and force you into things. It is wonderful that you don’t feel rushed. Don’t let it bother you.October 4, 2011 2:57 am at 2:57 am #814651aries2756Participant
I am certainly very happy that you are not in panic mode, but I do believe that marriage and family should be your top priority.October 4, 2011 3:02 am at 3:02 am #814652yitayningwutParticipant
Sam2, I’m 23 and the same.October 4, 2011 3:16 am at 3:16 am #814653individualMember
Shidduchim can be a priority as a goal, but that doesn’t mean you have to go out before you feel ready. All this panic seems to be a lack of emunah that Hashem will work things out at the right time. Go out when you’re ready. It’s better for you, your husband, and your future family.October 4, 2011 3:17 am at 3:17 am #814654ImaofthreeParticipant
I think it is great you are in no rush to get married and you have other things in your life. that being said, perhaps you should still do your hishtadlus and go to shadchanim. Maybe if you meet someone you really like and he likes you then you would feel like you would like to get married. No harm in going out on a few shidduch dates. Hatzlocha rabba!October 4, 2011 6:46 am at 6:46 am #814655tahiniMember
Taking a break, you sound like a level headed together young woman!
As for shidduchim, the more relaxed the approach, the better, that way it can be easier to find one’s partner in life. Some people are in love with the idea of marriage and a wedding and get overly anxious when looking for shidduchim, this can apply to parents as well as kids, often when you least expect it a relaxed meeting can lead to much more.October 4, 2011 6:50 am at 6:50 am #814656mom12Participant
being a mom of married and shidduch aged children..
no one around here was ever under pressure to get married- I simply didnt put the pressure on.. and they got married in low 20’s and did not miss out on anything.
I dont call shadchanim- they call me ,and I listen,- if the shidduch is interesting I proceed to find out if not I dont.
You have GREAT attitude! when the right one will come along it should be pleasant and enjoyable! no need to push yourself around. People see you and know you!
Good luckOctober 4, 2011 1:27 pm at 1:27 pm #814658gezuntheitMember
The longer you are out of beis yaakov, the more negative influence from the secular world will affect you.October 4, 2011 2:55 pm at 2:55 pm #814659minyan galMember
You sound like a very level headed young lady. You cannot do too many things at once and do them all well. You say that presently your priority is to finish your degree. As you say that will be within the next year, then concentrate on doing that. After you graduate, you will then have the time to enter shidduchim and be able to concentrate on that. Trying to get the maximum out of a date while worrying about a term paper that is due decreases the chances of both being done well. You are one smart cookie and I predict a happy future for you.October 4, 2011 3:31 pm at 3:31 pm #814660adorableParticipant
I think I posted once that I felt the same way. and bpt said that by Feb he thinks ill be walking down to the chuppa. well he sure was right! LOL I was not in a rush but when the right one came around I just went with it and not looking back B”H anymore.October 4, 2011 3:56 pm at 3:56 pm #814661am yisrael chaiParticipant
“…bpt said that by Feb he thinks ill be walking down to the chuppa. well he sure was right! LOL”
Perhaps bpt should be giving out more brachos here…October 4, 2011 4:23 pm at 4:23 pm #814662adorableParticipant
thats true. I wonder if he even remembers saying that…… bpt are you here???
maybe I should send him shadchanus. or maybe just invite him to the wedding personally. (you are all invited!)October 4, 2011 8:37 pm at 8:37 pm #814663Emunas ItechaMember
taking a break- Kol Hakavod! There are so many girls who put their lives on hold because their top priority is to get married. But if it isnt the right time for them yet, they wait and wait, the pressure builds, and they haven’t done anything else because they say, “When I get married I’ll finish my degree, or find a job, etc”
You are still very young. I started dating when I was 19 and BH I didnt find the right one then because looking back now, I was NOT ready at all! Plus, with each guy I went out with, I was able to learn more about myself and what I really need. These are the years that you really grow as a person, in SO many ways! I am turning 23 in a few days iy”H, and I see many girls who felt that pressure to get married and are now in difficult marriages, unhappy, or divorced. There are many others who are very happy, BH, because it was really the right time for them. But, im so happy you dont feel that pressure because it will help you in the long run.
I think you should do some kind of hishtadlus, like listening and considering a potential shidduch if something comes along, and davning that Hashem should send you the right one at the right time whenever that may be. I Hashem opens a door for you, dont close it before you look through. Sometimes what we think we need, isnt necessarily what Hashem KNOWS that we need. So, just make sure that you keep doors open and put your trust in Hashem Yisbarech to know when the right time is for you to meet your zivug. It could be after you finish your degree, or you could be surprised and have it come sooner, but when it is the right time, Hashem will split the yam suf for you and it should be so clear in your eyes and easy!October 4, 2011 9:56 pm at 9:56 pm #814664bein_hasdorimParticipant
Nothing wrong w/ u. everybody has their own pace. Just focus on other important things like getting yourself ready for it, for when you will be ready. Those who worry too much, just end up waiting longer. Just focus on character refinement, work, keeping up with friends. Helping others is a good preparation for when you will be married.
I would also suggest you focus on who you are. (for real)
Being honest with oneself is crucial.
Think about what makes you thrive, what type of home you’d like to have, and in turn what type of guy you need and want, to acheive your goals.
This is advice for you and any other girls your age who are
in the parsha or about to enter the parsha, of shidduchim that is, not parshas Vayetzei, but parshas Toldos.
People are too busy with the “dating scene” as if it’s
some sort of black friday shopping rush, or dash,
focusing on getting a major Metziya, but in the end when they
take it home it has to fit “them.”
There is a very bad return policy, so unless you were aware of this policy before you ran out shopping and did some soul searching to understand what it is you need, and what would fit you,(not your parents or friends) and what would look good on you, and bring out the color in your eyes and heart,
you can really get yourself messed up investing a lot of money, time, and emotion into something that was doomed from the very beginning.
I hope this message resonates with my fellow sisters and brothers
in klal yisroel.
So everyone should be wise as to what they need and hence what they should look for, instead of what they want even if it doesn’t fit.
Oh! in closing “taking a break;” your very normal! Hatzlacha!October 4, 2011 10:20 pm at 10:20 pm #814665taking a breakMember
Sam2, yitayningwut, MP, induvidual, aries, tahini, mom12 and e/o else, thanx. right now my parents are really listening to names that come up and look into them to see if they are close to what i am looking for . my parents know that as soon as i feel ready (cuz i feel i can balance school and shidduchim) then we might go to some more shadchanim. but in my program, there have been a number of girls who have gotten engaged/married in the middle and have failed courses, setting them back a year. which tells you why i want to focus on school. if a name comes up that looks good, i would say yes to go out.
gezuntheit, i don’t really understand your post. can you explain?October 4, 2011 10:52 pm at 10:52 pm #814666yoyaMember
adorable: just curious – how old are you? cuz from your other posts you seem alot older and like you have alot of life experieneOctober 5, 2011 12:55 am at 12:55 am #814667trak443Participant
There is NO rush at this time, HOWEVER, if you get married at 25? 28? 30? are you going to feel it was because you didn’t give it the proper attention at this stage in life?
Do your hishtadlus! That means davening that you two meet at the right time, and keeping your eyes and ears (and mind) open so you don’t miss each other when it happens, not necesarily making yourself (and those around you) crazy because you haven’t spoken to a shadchan in 20 minutes.
As for what gezunheit meant in his (her?) post…..
Sometimes girls leave the “cocoon” of all frum environments (BY, seminary…) and when exposed to more secular environments (college, office…) can slowly see their level of frumkeit erode. Slowly. Almost imperceptive at times. Skirts/tops SLOWLY (over a few years) can get a little more trendy (tight/short); not C”V against halacha, but they can beat a slow retreat over time. Arm yourself with a weekly shiur (or similar).
You can often (no, not always) see the differences between a single 23 y/o girl who has spent the past few years in a non-frum environment, vs one who has (for example) been teaching in a BY. Boys ahve the advantage of either being in Bais HaMedrash p/t or f/t, or just having a nightly chavrusa, weekly shiur etc… It’s expected.October 5, 2011 5:54 pm at 5:54 pm #814668bptParticipant
“bpt said that by Feb he thinks ill be walking down to the chuppa. well he sure was right! “
From a prediction like that, I’m suddenly a baal moifes? That’s like predicting the sun will rise in the East.
If you are in the arena, and have your priorities well defined, finding your zivug is a sure thing. Its just a question of when.
Some find it in less time, others in a bit more. But as long as you are optimistic, you are still in the game.
If there is any thing I can take credit for, its being (as much as possible) always optimistic. And I try to have this attitude spill over to others.
Each of us (in some form or another) have something unique to offer, and that thing (whatever it may be) is what will make us the right fit for the right zivug. All we need to do is be ourselves.
Now, for my next prediction…October 5, 2011 8:06 pm at 8:06 pm #814669ToiParticipant
for a bochur, its time to get married when running around tzfas with a na nach yarmulka and a guitar is no longer totally euphoric. for a girl i dont know.October 5, 2011 8:48 pm at 8:48 pm #814670BaalHaboozeParticipant
Toi_ ha, you’re a panic! That’s so crazy but true!! After I was colorwar general in camp (and won!) I felt that I did all my craziness, boyishkeit, (and other forms of bocherish expressions of mishigassin,) I felt that I was finished with my single life, camps, dorm life etc.
I got married several monthes later, B”H.
never did the tzfas thing though 🙁October 5, 2011 9:39 pm at 9:39 pm #814671bptParticipant
Take heart. You did not miss the “tzfas” thing.
You now have the “out of body / out of mind” experience 24/7, right in the comfort of your own home!
- You must be logged in to reply to this topic.