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This Shabbos I read the article Yeshivish and With It in the Yated
About a mother calling a girl’s references for shidduch information. The article states the conversation with the references and it emphasizes that the girls friend gave over very vague and ambiguous information. This way the shidduch wont be knocked as an out right NO! I’ve spoken to my friends on this issue who say they too give very vague open ended questions leaving the mothers with very little substantial information to base their opinions and answers on.
The fact that shadchanim don’t give enough information is hard enough and getting no where from the friends answers…..
Is this a good idea? Should girls speak more directly and detailed? Mothers are left with very little information that they have to read between the lines….
What is the best way of going about it?
Memo
Don’t call the references. Call other people who know the girl/boy. Let’s face it, references arfe the people that are good friends and will make you sound great. You won’t get the whole truth from references. Call acquaintances.
The risk of Lashon Hora is great in this area. The consequences of mistakenly saying L”H in this area, can destroy someones life.
Very often people interpret life in different ways, therefore giving out hard fact blank statements is a bad idea. If one friend sees a girl as modern, unorganized, good looking, etc., that doesn’t mean that that is actually the case. After speaking to numerous sources, one should be able to get a good picture.
If things sound good, but one or 2 questions remain unanswered, have your son/daughter ask it straight out on a date. “I heard from people that you are ‘with it’, what does that mean?”. How would you describe yourself?
If you are embarrassed to ask a person a specific question to their face, its likely a stupid question and shouldnt be asked anyway.
References are a double edged sword. What does a mother expect to find out from another twenty something, the prospect’s very good friend. Would the young woman give a reference that didn’t think she was the cat’s meow? Of course her references would absolutely “die” for her. And any mother that checks her references by calling her friends deserves whatever she gets. The only reason someone should call those references IS to hear how wonderful the girl is. Other references are usually Teachers, Rabbonim, and other adults. When you decide to call young people it is only to confirm the good things you already heard.
The best pple to call for info is to find s/o that knows both of you. this way u can trust their info. I got a call and the lady asked me if the girl is aidel, frum, fine… I wanted to tell her u dont know me so how can u trust what i consider aidel, frum, with it etc….
I’m probably disagreeing with shlomozalman on nothing but semantics, but the current “system” makes political doublespeak sound open and honest. The “research” is almost as trashy.
References are pointless and opverrated, and do not give an accurate account of anything with school admissions, shidduchim, jobs, etc. Why would a person list as a reference someone who is going to say nothing but great things about them? They serve no logical purpose whatsoever. A person is only going to give as a reference someone who they know is going to praise them and make them out to be the godol hador, the tzaddik nistar, or the best in their field.
As long as the refernces do not indicate a problem, I would allow my son to date someone based on a report like that. I would if at all possible like to have my wife be able to see her at a neutral venue (a chasseneh, in shul, ect) just to get a visual. Not a formal intro; just a visual. It ties the tech data together so you have a credible idea of who she is.
Nothing takes the place of a date though. But if my son is serious about getting married, he should be willing to invest his time and energy, just like she is.
After all, she checked him out, no doubt. (and hopefully, poppa has eyeballed my son as well)
If she thinks he is worth her time and kishes, he should be willing to do the same
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